Listening is key to a better relationship

Most of us have the tendency to talk more than listen. We all like to be listened to. There are even times that we interrupt a discussion by pouring our thoughts, sometimes not even related to the matter at hand.

In the Philippines Reader’s Digest June 2016 issue, writer Liza Fields said that by learning listening skills, couples  can improve their relationship. "You can learn to listen more intently and make your partner feel appreciated; not overlooked," she said.

A friend confided that in her 40 years of union with her late husband, they never had the chance to communicate because whenever she would open a topic for conversation, her husband always had reasons to delay the discussion like, "I’m watching TV”, or “Later because I still want to read the newspaper”, and many other reasons. Their marriage was doomed to failure. But she had to keep the marriage for the sake of the children.

Fields points out some of the listening skills that could help couples to make their marriage go. Here they are:

Focus on the moment.  It’s natural for your mind to wander during conversation, but if you’re aware of this, it’s easier to combat the tendency. One important step that many people overlook; if you realize that you can’t listen when your partner approaches you, be honest and schedule time to speak later. Then turn off the TV, put down your smartphone and sit together. These simple actions show that you respect your partner and are devoted to hearing her.

Don’t interrupt. Have you ever finished your partner’s sentence? Whether or not you’ve predicted correctly, you’re tuning him out. Interrupting is not helpful; it stems from impatience, points out family therapist Michael Nichols. “The problem is, we’re not usually that interested in hearing them out. We’re waiting to say what we want to say. We interrupt and say, 'Oh yes, I understand.' We respond by telling our story. Those are mistakes. When your partner asks you to listen, be conscious of when you speak and what you say."

Just listen. When your partner shares something meaningful, listen. Don’t give advice, share your opinion, or recount anecdotes. “Most people listen with an intention to react, rather than understand," Nichols says. “The conversation starts to be like a ping-pong game. Instead of acknowledging or responding, they go back and forth, and neither one deeply feels understood.” Many people give advice, but refrain, unless your partner request feedback.

Show empathy. If you’re sharing exciting news or expressing disgust and you’re met with indifference, it can make you feel like you don’t matter. When the tables are turned, put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and listen fully so you can give an appropriate reaction. Your nonverbal reaction can be just as important as anything you say; A tear in your eye or hand on your partner’s shoulder express often more than words.