The Middle Child Syndrome

CEBU, Philippines - Have you felt being a wallflower in a party, when you are just there standing in one corner wishing to blend with the background? Many do, and it doesn't feel good.

Even now, when supposed equality and egalitarianism is the call of the times, society still subjects all to criticism and stereotyping, when there are the privileged and the elite ruling over us mere mortals.

Even at home, children, especially those born in the middle, could become victims of emotional or psychological detachment from their parents.

Various studies have affirmed that there is a connection between birth order and a child's personality. For decades, middle children - those born in between older and younger siblings -suffer from "middle child syndrome."

According to studies, children born at this spot in the order of children could not get enough attention from their parents and siblings. While a new born baby gets special attention and benefits from parents, middle children often get left out. They would become like the air - they could be felt but are not seen.

Middle children tend to have a hard time growing up. They have no drive to excel. They feel empty and inadequate to do things. While the older or younger siblings get the "firsts," whether toys, shoes, clothes, etcetera, the middle kids are always the second or last best in the family. They often feel that they have nothing special in them.

At home, eldest children are treated differently. It may be because they are the first child-rearing experience of the parents. All the attention and time are poured on them.

The middle child, though, feels all his accomplishments are for himself only. Even such things as learning to play the piano or washing the dishes are not anymore celebrated by parents, at least not in the same way as those of the eldest or the spoiled youngest.

Children seek attention, which is why they sometimes "act up" to get noticed. When a new baby comes, misbehavior is much more likely to emerged in the other children. The other kids resort to doing things that will retain the attention of the family on them, such as pinching the baby's skin or even dancing in the middle of a gathering.

When children feel they don't get enough positive attention from their parents, they would act out, doing attention-seeking behaviors like whining, screaming, and clinging. When a child misbehaves, parents often stop what they are doing (cooking, watching TV or reading) to attend to the child, often by warning him to stop, which in the eyes of the child, is enough to conclude that his misbehavior has been amply rewarded.

He often envies the love, care, and support showered on his siblings, develop low self-esteem and become withdrawn and resentful.

Though many researches cite the negative impacts of the middle child syndrome, there are others who said that middle children actually benefit in the long run. They often turn out to be independent, strong-willed, creative, artistic, articulate, great thinkers, patient, goal-driven, and initiators of principles and concepts. In fact, many of the biggest names in Hollywood, politics, and business, in the U.S., are middle children.

The "Pretty Woman" lead star Julia Roberts, the Microsoft genius Bill Gates, American civil rights leader Martin Luther King, and the Polish campaigner against Soviet tyranny, Lech Walesa, are all middle children.

And also consider this: no fewer than 52 percent of the US presidents were middle children. Presidential middles include political giants such as Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and John F. Kennedy. In his brilliant but brief political stint, Kennedy even displayed qualities associated with the said high-achieving and competitive first-born children: a powerful sense of justice, leadership, and communication skills.

Take for example the hero and philanthropist Nelson Mandela who had the desire to fight for fairness and freedom. The great writer Ernest Hemingway and trailblazers like Charles Darwin belong to this endless list of middle kids.

As mentioned, middle children tend to have high level of patience in their lifetime. Perhaps, this is because they have spent much of their time, especially in childhood, waiting for their turn to be praised or supported. They learn to think outside the box, become team players, and skill manipulators in this modern world. Many have come out to be more successful than their older or younger siblings.

The Ramon Aboitiz Foundation Inc.-Dolores Aboitiz Children's Fund (RAFI-DACF) believes that though parents have different parenting styles, the way they treat their children is a very crucial factor in their child-rearing. It is important to keep in mind that a child is no different whether he is born first or middle or last. The secret in bringing up peace-loving and successful children is to provide them a home where love is fostered.

Each child needs to be parented a little bit differently, because each child is different, not because of the birth order.

Parents could adopt certain practices at home:

Have a "Me" time.  Have one day of the week for each child. On the designated day, let the child decide what he wants to do or eat. Give him special attention; make him feel really special.

You could do a trip to the library or to the park. You can eat ice cream at the nearby baywalk. It doesn't matter what are you eating or doing; what's important is to actually spend quality time with each of your children.

Know your kid's strengths and weaknesses.  Every child is blessed with his own special traits. Build on your child's areas of expertise. Is she a good singer? Why not take an extra effort to cultivate this talent? If there are family gatherings or school activities, boost her confidence to volunteer to perform.

Remember also that human "weaknesses" are at the flip side of personal strengths. For instance, the positive trait of persistence. A child might be persistent on you reading her favorite bedtime story. Sometimes, the stubbornness is hard to deal with. But the trait will serve the child well if she grows up to be a writer or a lawyer.

Let go of 'what ifs'.  Parents can sometimes be unfair of their treatment to their children. Maybe the father wanted a boy but got a girl. Maybe you wanted a child who paints landscapes like you. Maybe you wanted a quiet child but you got an exuberant livewire. Maybe your child has special challenges that make parenting extra tough.

Children are also humans who can feel people's emotions. They can sense if something is wrong with them, especially when you directly let them feel it. You many not say it to them, but in some intuitive ways they get the message that they are not good enough for you.

Consider your "what ifs." Think of how your life will be without this or that particular child. Most likely, the thought will make you feel sad.  Then, let it go. From there, you can now embrace your child for what he or she actually is, and not some idea of who he or she should be.

Remember: never compare each child's accomplishments with the other's. Children have their own sets of unique qualities. Celebrate the children you have. At every chance, throw hugs and kisses to all your children!

(Source: www.psychologytoday.com / www.dailymail.co.uk) (FREEMAN)