How to make kids listen and obey

CEBU, Philippines - Your child refuses to clean up his toys after playing. He runs around the mall or the church, resulting in disturbance to other mall- or churchgoers. You've been calling his name for the nth time already, but he continues to have the time of his life. You, the frustrated parent, take care of the situation by spanking the child until he behaves.

For parents, and even older siblings or relatives who are tasked to babysit naughty kids, it is tempting to raise your voice or resort to threats when the child neglects your orders, even simple requests. It is tiring to argue with the kids and dealing with their tantrums, so you put your foot down and resort to the traditional hand-on-butt or the dreaded pinch, which have been tested and proven to produce immediate results.

We oftentimes overlook the fact that stubbornness among kids is a completely normal behavior. They are not little adults. They do not come into this world equipped with the knowledge of what's right and wrong. Much of their misbehaviors, power struggles, whining, and tantrums are simply normal for their age. We need to remember that we too had our own mischief and outbursts during our early years, no matter how behaved and mature  we may be now.

Good that there are some strategies that can help to maintain our control over our kids without resorting to corporal punishment. We may use the kids' mindset to win them over. Surely, the next time we call them they will listen and comply in no time.

Here are a few tips that the Ramon Aboitiz Foundation, Inc. (RAFI) Dolores Aboitiz Children's Fund recommends to advance Early Child Care and Development (ECCD):

1. Seize the moment

If you want your child to clean up his mess after his art activity at home, ask him as soon as he stands up from the table. It is easier for him to listen when he is still open rather than waiting until he is busy with other things, such as watching TV.

Any kid will try to get their way out of the task. A smart child will use delaying tactics by playing sweet or cute, while others will turn to Ate, Kuya, or Yaya to do the job for them. When faced with this scenario, be calm but firmly explain that he needs to be responsible. Tell him that he has to learn to clean up his mess because no one is going to do it for him. Make it brief, clear and to the point.

2. Connect before you direct

If you ask the child for something and have called him ten times already but you still don't get an answer, stop asking. You are only training him to ignore you.  Instead, get up, go over to him. Put your hands gently on his shoulders, make eye contact and say, "Sam, mom needs your help. Can you please do it?" Stand there calmly and confidently until he reacts. Do not just shout out your request, because the tendency is that he will ignore it. Do not be directive or high-handed, like saying, "This is my house! You should follow my rules!" You may be upset, yes, but it is not the right manner to set as example for your child.

Also, do not overload your child with too many instructions all at once. You may have to repeat a request, especially with toddlers as their mental processes are yet rather slow. Be specific, like "Pick up those scattered legos. You might step on them, and it's going to really hurt," rather than telling them to "clean up your mess!"

3.Use when-then statements

"When you have taken your bath, then you can play." This type of when-then statement shows to the child that he has some sort of control on his actions. It gives him a sense of choice on his own, even if you actually don't mean to give him one.

Just like in taming wild animals, kids need to see the benefit of complying with a request. Offer a reason for your request that is to the child's advantage. He is very likely to obey. It is very helpful  to make him realize the consequence of his action. Tell him that he can watch cartoons only after he has finished eating.

Don't give in to his tantrums; insist the he gets to watch his favorite cartoon show only after eating. Never take a position with your child that you will not sustain, or else the kid won't take your orders seriously next time.

4.Establish routines

It's easier for kids to comply when there's an established schedule or manner of doing things. Describe to them how things work and the expected output. Tell them that everyone is to help in washing the dishes after eating, that socks belong in the upper drawer of the closet, or that 9 p.m. means bedtime stories. Of course, it is easier to make children cooperate if everyone at home follows the rules, too, so you need to coordinate with the rest of the family members.

5.Make it fun and creative

Kids love fun! You don't have to be a comedian to give them that. Simply do something unexpected that can make them laugh. The family may practice a song that signals sleeping or cleaning time. You may use a sock or an oven mitt to pretend that a puppet is giving the instructions. Make it look like play; make your requests into games. This is sure to work better than raising your voice.

6.Say the magic words

Harsh orders only lead to more resistance. Make your request polite, and in a pleasant voice. Be a model of good manners. It is more likely that your child will speak back politely to you and comply with your requests.

Mention the child's name; say, "Roxanne, will you please get my book?" And do not forget to say "thank you," and have a sweet smile to go with the words. Children are hungry for appreciation. It's their affirmation that they did a great job, and a motivation for them to do it again next time.

Making your kids listen to you is something that is to be done in a nice way. Teaching them proper behavior is not simply ordering them around to do what you know to be right. More importantly, it's about helping them to realize the possible consequences of their behavior. It takes a lot of patience, understanding, and self-control, but the efforts are worth it once you see your little one develop in a holistic way. (FREEMAN)