Of children and broken families

CEBU, Philippines - AJ comes from a broken family. A native of Anahawan, Southern Leyte, he became aware of his parents’ separation when he was in third grade. Now, at 17, he is still learning to let go of the pain and allow other people—relatives and friends—to help him cope.

AJ (real name withheld upon request) shared that her mother got pregnant on her senior year in college. A few months after giving birth to him, she left him at Lingap Center, an establishment that accepts abandoned children when their families are not able to raise them.

His aunt, the first cousin of his mother, was working in a government agency at the time.  When she learned that his mother went to Manila and left him at the Lingap Center when he was six months old, she decided to adopt him. AJ called her Mommy ever since.

Growing up, he learned that children are not the reason parents separate. Hence, they should not rebel against their parents; doing so will only worsen the situation and will result to more problems. They should learn from their parents’ mistakes and respect them even if they are separated.

In AJ’s case, the reason his parents separated was due to his father’s poor financial status. His mother was the first one to leave after being continuously told by her family that the couple would not be able to have a good future together.

As a child, he remembered not caring much about the situation since he was well taken care of by his aunt. The teenage years became somehow difficult, though, because he started to feel incomplete, empty, and unloved. AJ believes that poverty is not a hindrance to keep a family happily together.

“I’ve always wondered how it feels to have real parents with me. I really want that feeling, the feeling that I know I will never have,” AJ said.

He admitted that having a broken family is never easy. He was able to smile because his aunt was always there for him when he needed her, but there are occasions when he wished his parents were there with him, like when he was having personal problems. Sometimes, he is tempted to party always and to engage in vices to capture his parents’ attention.

His parents now have separate families. His only request is their moral support in his endeavors, their acceptance that he is their son, and for them to see how he has grown into a better person.

AJ said that having separated parents does not affect his studies but it makes him stronger. He always thinks of himself that he is important like other children and that he is not a mistake in this world.

“I am determined to finish my studies because I want to show to my parents that I’m not a failure,” he said.

He is sad to note how some teenagers nowadays complain about their parents’ being so protective of them, not knowing that other children, like him, desperately need and want a parent to protect them.

“If given a chance to talk to my father, I would tell him that I’m still blessed to have him as my father even though he was not around when I needed him. At least I know he exists. I wish I could spend at least a day with him so that he’ll appreciate my existence, too. I love you, Papa for bringing me into this amazing world. If it were not for you, I would not be here,” he expressed.

“To my mother, I wish God will renew your life, enlighten your mind, and change you, especially your attitude. I still love you, Mama. I know it was never easy for you to carry me for eight months. Thank you for not aborting me. I hope you will need me someday,” he added.

Catherine Ponce, a professional psychometrician, pointed out that coming from a broken family is a sad reality.

“It can greatly affect the lives of each member of the family but is not the be-all and end-all of it. It does not define an individual nor determine the course of his/her life,” she said.

She gave some tips for young people on how to cope up having a broken family:

• Learn to talk to your parents about the “what and how” after the change in the family structure.

• Do not shut down your communication with any of them.

• Remember that even though things will not be the same again, they are still parents; they still have the responsibility to guide and care for you.

• Seek out the help of others and support groups that will give you a different perspective and assist you in dealing with the brokenness in a positive way.

She believed that having an atmosphere of open communication can prevent a family from being broken. It allows family members to air out thoughts and ideas, discuss their differences and weaknesses as well as their love and admiration for one another. It helps resolve conflicts and issues. She said that communication comes in different forms and ways; it is a matter of practice and attitude.

Rev. Fr. Pluth S. Rodriguez, a priest from Hinundayan, Southern Leyte, said that one of the problems that the church is facing nowadays is the growing number of broken families. If there are broken families, there are broken relationships that are deeply rooted in broken vows. It is a result of immature decision in entering the marriage state and irresponsible and selfish action of the couple to part ways with or without undergoing a certain process.

Fr. Rodriguez recommended that a couple must start with a serious and responsible courtship and relationship before entering marriage.

“Both male and female should understand the real and deeper meaning of union in marriage,” he said.

He noted that children will be the sacrificial lambs in broken families, the situation will psychologically affect them as they grow up and move on to have their own families.

He advised children in broken families to: accept the situation; learn lessons from the experience; always think positive; be strong; move on; entrust your family into the hands and mercy of God; continue to love both your mother and father; instill in your mind the teachings of God; nourish and nurture your own family; and remember that God will restore and heal everything.