Ride of my life

CEBU, Philippines - The world “amusement” in “Amusement Park” is an understatement. Purely and nothing more than an understatement if you ask me because places where you pay to have your entire digestive system thrown around are places that are not of the faint of heart and the weak of stomach. They should call it a “Torture Park” or something to that effect.

But kidding aside, in the 23 years that I've been running around crazy in this world, I will always remember August 5, 2011. It will be one of the few greatest milestones of my life. It's the day that marks my first time to set fool in a real amusement park. Emphasis on the 'real' because I'm not just talking about some run of the mill travelling theme park that rears its ugly head during town fiestas and for which fear is drawn from the fact that you just might leave the peryahan having acquired tetanus from the rusty octopus railings. I'm talking about the real deal, baby. One with a real rollercoaster to boot! And I'm never, ever setting my foot in one again.

August 5 was Mission EK: Mission Enchanted Kingdom and the quest was to feel the thrill of big time rides and make sure I don't end up at the Psychiatric Ward by the time I come back to good ol' Cebu. 

Here's a mishmash of rides that have made that day on supercalifragilisticexpialidocious ride of this chicken's life.

Space Shuttle

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                Ride Review: : If you had a crazy day at work, if your significant jerk just dumped you, or if life's just lacking a little bit of luster, my God, this ride will definitely make you embrace everything that's blah and ordinary with open arms. The Space Shuttle looks like your everyday average roller coaster except that it will hurl you in space and make you embrace religion if you don't have one. Be ready to be sent back to earth faster than you can scream “YEAHBAH!” It starts off quite innocently – it will zoom through the railings, hurling you up, up and away, all through the loops before it slows down as it climbs way up towards the summit before zooming back down in reverse, going through the same trail. Expect to be momentarily parted with your dear soul, your brain to end up in your throat, and your entire digestive system to do triple somersaults.

Flying Fiesta

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                Ride Review: Great for starters. This ride is neither wimpy nor extra wild. It's a great appetizer for the things to come. This is best if you have your best friend or your honey bunny around to hold hands with as your seat rises way up in to the air and you are whirled round and round and round for what will be one of the longest few minutes of your entire life. Definitely must-ride at night for an incredible view of the lights show in the theme park.

Log Jam

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                Ride Review: : The four stars go only to the two highlights of the ride: the parts when your log is taken high up into the air before you take the plunge head on into the rapids for an unexpected bath. The ride starts off just as any other water ride but don't ever let this fool you. This is not the kind of ride that will return your BP back to normal if you're planning to take this on right after the Space Shuttle. Expect another out-of-the-body experience with this one.

Anchors Away

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                Ride Review: A relatively simple ride-not. Ever wonder what it would be like to ride a galleon that's thrashed around amidst unforgiving waves in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? This might just be the closest to that minus the actual possibility of being thrown off the ship. Take the outermost seats if you want this ride to be extra memorable. What's going to happen? The ship will swing like a pendulum at increasing speeds in the next three minutes, leaving your knees shaking and your stomach flipping. 

EK Extreme

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                Ride Review: There is a reason why this ride has no people queuing up in line. This ride is sheer suicide. It's for those who want to jump off the building but aren't sure yet if they might just push through. Believe me, you will be too stunned to scream before you reach the ground. You'll be sitting in one of those comfy upholstered seats, fastened nicely in place as you are hoisted up very slowly at a height where you can probably see the rest of Laguna before you'll be dropped at a jillion kph in a matter of three seconds. They should call this the “Suicide Drop” instead.

Rio Grande Rapids

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                Ride Review: What the Rio lacks for in terms of fear factor, it makes up for in its fun factor. I give this ride two thumbs up for being loads of fun. Just imagine getting into a round river raft ready to take on a thrashing river. It's a wild ride that will leave you soaking right after. This ride will never run out of people so expect a long, long line as this is a certified crowd drawer.

Up, Up, and Away

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                Ride Review: Missed the Hot Air balloon festival at Clark? Okay, this may not be close enough but hey, give it a couple of stars for effort. It's one of those fun rides where you get in one of those hot air balloon carriages and you're spun round and round. Try this ride if you simply need to chill. Long line not guaranteed.

Carousel

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                Ride Review: Ah, the Merry Go Round. Nostalgic, classic, romantic. It's a kid's ride, an amusement park staple that will take you back to that time when the only thing that's ever so important in the world is a bag of candy. (THE FREEMAN)