I Had An Addict In My Life

CEBU, Philippines - It is an honor to share with you my experiences as a wife, mother, woman whose life has been affected by the use of drugs — you see, a family member became a drug and alcohol dependent.

Someone once defined life as a series of events one did not plan for. I never planned to have a drug dependent in my family nor the consequences it brought to my life. The effects of drug addiction seeped into my life slowly, stealthily and at first without much fanfare. I became aware of the changes but I always said, “Oh, it’s just a phase young people go through. It’s going to pass and then things will get better.” Addiction is a disease that brings chaos into the home. It can be a non-threatening nonviolent sort of chaos; it might be a sneaky quiet sort of chaos or it might be a dramatic sort of chaos.

In whatever form, families get affected. When I first realized that a member of my family was a dependent, I was filled with guilt feelings. What did I do wrong? What could have been avoided? Why did I choose that school? Should I have followed up more closely? And so on, and so on – I tormented myself. Guilt feelings were followed by blame. It’s the friends – peer pressure at school. Family is not important anymore. He does not love me. It’s this or it’s that. Never did I see drugs as the cause of the problem.

Living with a drug dependent is a series of crises – big ones and little ones that may occur regularly or sporadically. I was in a constant emotional turmoil. Another dominant feeling was worry and anxiety. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he alright? What if he’s laying somewhere and no one can help him? I spent many sleepless nights waiting for my dependent. All sorts of thoughts kept me awake. What if he has been hit by a car? Mugged? Stabbed? I dreaded the ring of the telephone (no cell phones yet at that time). I kept imagining all sorts of trouble. Only when I would hear him come in would my wild thoughts cease. And, of course, it was almost morning – time for me to get up and do the day’s work.

Another feeling that was a constant companion was anger. Anger at my dependent, at society for its permissiveness, at other family members, at the world in general and angry with myself. Whenever he came with some story or excuse, I would fall for it. Afterwards, I would realize that I had been duped; so, I got angry with myself. Often I would hear apologies – a promise that it would not happen again. And, even though deep in my heart I knew it would happen again, I clung to the belief that maybe, just maybe this would be the last time…

Hand in hand with anger came self-pity. Why me? Why is life so unfair?

Days, months, and years passed. My life became a series of ups and downs. My psychological development was put on hold. I could not see the beauty around me. My other children were put aside. My life was consumed by my obsession with my drug dependent. If I took a vacation, I dreaded what awaited me on my return. So, I did not go on vacations. I was afraid to enjoy; to have fun. I looked at things always from the negative and gloomy side. Oh! How I envied others! I looked at other families – saw the love and care they shared and compared it with my miserable family life and became disgusted, frustrated and discouraged.

My spiritual life slowly faded away. I began to doubt my faith because of so many unanswered prayers. A feeling of hopelessness swept over me leaving me confused, distressed and depressed. I prayed that God would take my dependent. Then I switched – I asked God to take me! Especially if more suffering lay in wait for me – it would be best if I died. Thank God that he does not answer foolish prayers. I now realize that God’s ways are not my ways.

My social needs were often compromised. I avoided certain people out of embarrassment and shame. What will I tell them if they asked certain questions? Relationships with other members of the family became strained. Even though I knew he was doing bad things, I covered up – made excuse – even lied. Happy occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years, our town Fiesta, became dreaded events. A wrong answer, a wrong action or even not the expected intonation of voice on my part would trigger heated discussion and disagreements.

All these trials, troubles and suffering took their toll on my health. Though I tried to project myself as a strong person, one day my world collapsed. And I found myself groping and stumbling to find a way out. I stopped pretending that everything was okay. I broke the denial I was in. I reached out for help and found it. I stepped off the treadmill because I found that I was getting nowhere. I talked about my problems with the right persons – persons who led me out of the dark and despair.

Yes, my dear friends there is a way out – support group meetings, fellowship, sessions, rehabilitation and family therapy – that are my eye openers – that opened my eyes to face reality and do something positive to help myself and indirectly helped my dependent, to get out of the quagmire. Today, together, hand in hand, with my dependent, we are on our way to recovery. For more information please call us at 032-2389143 or 032-2315229 or 0922-8901063.