Mommy Adela

CEBU, Philippines - It seems like only yesterday when my mom and I shared daily meriendas at 4pm, then visit my Pappy’s grave in  Cempark. Today is her first death anniversary and though we remember her passing with sadness, we take comfort in knowing she lived a full life surrounded by her family and dear friends.

On September 9, 2009, my mom Adela was diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer. Immediately upon being notified, I found myself drained of all emotion, moving as in a listless dream. I chose not to believe, because disbelief made my life bearable.

When we are presented with the reality that someone we love so dearly will soon leave us, we get overwhelmed by so much conflicting emotions.

This shock meant working through my anger, confusion and disbelief at the prospect of having someone so loved ripped from my life.

It meant going through the fear of being alone and abandoned.

It meant going through my guilt, my what-ifs, my should-haves and could-haves.Was I too busy with my work, my own family or perhaps my friends?

I began to feel so guilty for being angry at my mom for leaving us. We tend to impose guilt on ourselves for what we believe we should have done when our mothers were still with us. No matter what we do, how we express our love, it just does not seem enough.

We loved our mom beyond measure but love cannot accept death readily and quickly. It was difficult to deny the subconscious hope that mom would one day come back. Failing to accept a loved one’s passing is simply nature’s way of softening the loss. The actual pain lingers when the shock wears off.

As I slowly went through my fears and deep pain and sorrow, I slowly learned to live in the moment. Awakened, I saw that the other side of all my uncertainties was infinite love and that the happy memories we all shared with mom would forever sustain us.

We are deeply indebted to Msgr. Jonie Tupas for religiously saying Mass every Sunday at my mom’s house the whole time she was bedridden. It was not just his presence but also the messages he delivered which never failed to uplift our spirits.

To Dr. Noel Ponce, whose regular visits to mom always brought a smile and even laughter to her face, our sincere gratitude and to the nurses Emily Silva   and Ninette Serra, our heartfelt appreciation for their dedication in taking care of mom during her illness.

I now realize that it is within my private realm of power to go forward, taking with me the gifts that come from my relationship with my mom: the good things I learned from her, her values, her unconditional love, compassion and understanding and her quiet humor. I can go forward with the certainly that she is with me. I’m not as alone as I thought I was.