Reasonable Distance

Quarrels are a social reality. People quarrel. Even friends and family members quarrel. Oh yes, they do, even at Christmastime.

Some people think that a quarrel has some positive side to it. Not that they like to go out on a rampage looking for trouble. What they mean is that a quarrel can be a good test of a relationship.

There is, at least, some merit to such an opinion. When quarreling friends or relatives are eventually able to rise over their conflict, their relationship can come out stronger. But, at the same time, the bitterest quarrels are often those between close relations, either close friends or close family.

It is bad enough when we get into quarrels of our own. Yet what’s much worse is when we are either dragged or lured into partaking in other people’s squabbles. It’s a curious person who is excited about meddling in others’ quarrels, no matter if it’s out of sincere intention to help resolve the conflict or simply for the fun of it.

When a friend is in a quarrel with a stranger, it is easy to decide which side to take. But when the quarreling parties are both our friends – or worse, members of our own family – it is a crucial judgment call. In such a case, we may find ourselves between a rock and a hard surface.

There are, of course, various reasons why we need to get ourselves involved. Sometimes we have no escape from witnessing the heated exchange and cannot just remain on the sides and simply watch. Perhaps only a totally cold and callous person will stay impervious for long.

Yet no matter how sincere our efforts to help, we run the high risk of losing one or both of the conflicting parties in the process.

I’ve learned my lesson. Two brothers once bumped into each other over a family matter. They were both my friends. They were my neighbors and thus so close at hand for good conversations.

The brothers were suddenly not in talking terms anymore. But I was still talking to them both, albeit separately. I tried to ignore what was going on between them, so careful not to get myself involved in their trouble.

Now and then the issue of their quarrel would come up in my separate conversations with each brother. It was a hard struggle trying to remain in the middle and not be swayed to anyone’s side. I wanted to maintain my good relations with both of them.

By and by, however, my sympathy slowly swayed to the older brother who had more time for talk with me. The younger brother was always away on short business trips, so we had rare times together. And soon, without my knowing it, my bias was began to develop.

I was soon avoiding the younger brother. In effect, all the more I was not hearing his side of the story. He eventually noticed my elusiveness and avoided me in return. I was unwittingly getting myself into the brothers’ quarrel.

With sincere intention to be of help, I took moves to mediate for the brothers’ reconciliation. However, every time I talked to the younger brother about it, he showed disinterest in patching things up. Only later did I realize that it was because my sympathy for his brother was becoming apparent.

I was probably beginning to sound like the older brother’s defense attorney. No wonder the younger brother – an equally distressed party in the conflict – was getting more and more uncomfortable talking to me and soon avoided me altogether. I was practically already dipped into the brothers’ problem. I had jumped in, with good intention.

I was getting very uncomfortable myself. It wanted to boot myself out of the mess, and thought that it would be wise to minimize my contact with the older brother as well. As it turned out, the move only made matters worse for me.

In trying to avoid the fire I hopped right into the frying pan. When the older brother noticed that I was making myself scarce to him, he got hurt. He too began to avoid me.

In the end, I was the loneliest person of the three of us. The two brothers couldn’t be lonely; they were so busy hating and hitting each other. And they each only lost one friend — me, while I lost both of them.

The brothers soon saw the light of day and put their conflict behind them. But I was not part of the truce; I remained out.

It is certainly a good thing to try to help save others’ endangered relationship. But it is never easy and meddling is not always the best move to take. Especially in a conflict involving people who are both close to us.

When a friend in a quarrel with another friend asks us to hear his side, what he may be actually asking is for us to be on his side. He probably doesn’t want us to act as peacemaker but as his ally; after all, we’re friends. The problem is, we’re friends with the other guy, too.

I learned my lesson the hard way. I would have averted ending up in a losing situation with the brothers had I stayed out of their conflict. But I was their friend, and I couldn’t simply keep my distance.

If today someone involved in a quarrel offers to tell me his side of the conflict, I will listen. Then I will seek to hear the other side, too. And that’s about it; lending a listening ear is enough, unless both parties really want to patch up things between them and sincerely solicit my help.

I will refrain from taking sides, even it becomes clear to me who is at fault. Our good intentions are not enough. We need to exercise good judgment, too, or our well-meaning effort becomes useless just the same.

We can often be of better help by staying at some reasonable distance when other people quarrel, even – or especially – if they are our friends or family. Most of all, we shall try the best we can to not get into a quarrel of our own. Especially at this merry time of the year.

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