Scribblings of my Heart

CEBU, Philippines – I am not a poet, and I don’t think I will become one. The last time I wrote something I called a poem was when I was 10 years old. I tried making another one in college but to no avail; I felt it lacked emotion. There was no drama; there was no heart in it. Therefore, I never finished it.

That is why I won’t consider my latest creations as poems. I love to call them scribblings of my heart. I made them last January when I underwent a three-day retreat for the first time after nine years. Actually, I don’t remember anymore when was the last time I underwent a confession—was it in high school? I don’t know. All I know now is that my mind was actively calling God, but my soul was dying because of my many sins that have piled up over the years. 

My first ever retreat happened in 1999 when I was graduating from college, but it was never intimate because there were so many of us and we just viewed it as a requirement for graduation. My latest retreat though was my personal decision; I just felt that in the last nine years I have not totally surrendered to God. I attended Mass every Sunday, I had some devotion, but I really felt something was lacking. I hungered for something, I longed for a deeper spiritual relationship with God.

Thus, when I arrived at the Verbom Dei Missionaries retreat house in Banawa with entertainment editor Nathalie Tomada third week of January, I was uncomfortable. I was having cold sweat. I was excited but at the same time hesitant to open up. But along the process, I was feeling better and on the second day, after undergoing confession, I felt so light, serene and happy. I really felt my heart smiling since then.

But the biggest surprise was during every reflection where we were expected to concentrate and come up with a reaction, words just flowed naturally on my mind, I could write spontaneously. Call it outpouring of the Holy Spirit – but my emotion was overflowing, so I just scribbled everything in my notebook.

My first week after the retreat was a struggle for I could not tolerate noise anymore. I did not want to watch TV and I did not like to use my cellular phone. I wanted silence, serenity, peace. But how can I enjoy that when I am in a big city— modern and highly-urbanized? Thus, since then, I have been using earphones, listening to religious songs.

Until when can I sustain my new found faith? I have found the light, but until when will it glow on my path? I really do not know. All I know now is that I do not want to be lost again. I know that to seek God’s kingdom is never that easy and simple. There will be temptations along the way. I will be tried, I will be humiliated. But I am confident He will never forsake me.

If the inner peace that I’m enjoying is just a dream, then I want to remain asleep. Definitely, my retreat transformed me into a new person—calm, happy, secure, contented.

Read on and know the scribblings of my heart—candid, spontaneous and real.