Drug and Alcohol Addiction has also been described as a relationship problem. At the beginning, we turned to drug and alcohol abuse as an escape from uncomfortable, or unhealthy, relationships. As the months and years go by, eventually the person who abused drugs and/or alcohol ends up having a very dysfunctional, sick and unhealthy relationship with drugs and alcohol itself. Once a chemically dependent person (addict/alcoholic) uses a drug or alcohol, then immediate next thought is How, When, & Where the next fix is coming from. They have come to develop an obsessive (constant thoughts on the use of drugs and/or alcohol), and once the using is started, the compulsion to use drugs and/or alcohol again, and again, and again, comes into play. So we can safely say that Chemical Dependency is an obsessive and compulsive relationship with Drugs and/or Alcohol.
Because of this obsessive/compulsive relationship with drugs, addicts end up lying, stealing and cheating to be able to have drugs. Then do even more lying, stealing and cheating to have even more drugs and and/or alcohol. As the addict’s dysfunctional relationship with drugs and gets worse over months and years of abuse, the family and significant others of the addict get affected too by these behaviors. As the pain of being in a relationship with an addict gets worse, the family starts to develop controlling, enabling, and denial patterns of behaviors and thinking that are as dysfunctional as that of the chemically dependent. As they start to follow these dysfunctional patterns of behaving and thinking in months and eventually years. The dysfunctional patterns eventually become their normal way of relating to themselves and others. The sad thing is that when the drug and/or alcohol use stops, the dysfunctional patterns of behaviors of both the dependent and co-dependents, continue. This in turn will be the trigger that will spark the relapse of both the co-dependent and dependent.
Therefore, for there to be true and lasting recovery from chemical dependency and co-dependency, we have to look into the dysfunctional relationships and try to turn them functional or healthy relationships. Healthy relationships are dependent on our determination to recognize and confront what constitutes sick relationships. Let us first look at some of the characteristics. That creates unhealthy relationships:
Closed, narrow, bigoted, controlling
A relationship cannot develop and grow if it excludes the possibility of change. The fear of confronting the new and unfamiliar makes some people want to “control” the adventure of a relationship.
Silent, moody, selfish, resentful
It is emotionally painful to live with someone you do not know and who does not want to be known. People can use silence as a weapon to abuse their partners; it becomes a passive form of violence.
Aggressive, violent, angry, jealous
The root of so much aggression and violence is fear. The fear may be the result of childhood issues, or drug related characteristics. Here we have an example of fear creating fear that eventually destroys the possibility of a relationship.
Low self-esteem, lies, manipulation, people-pleasing
You cannot please all the people all of the time. If one or both partners in a relationship are so lacking in positive self-worth, then they might create the illusion of success and happiness with lies and manipulation. The relationship becomes another facet of this dysfunctional illusion. Honesty is the basis for any healthy relationship.
Rigid, uncompromising, proud, arrogant
Any relationship requires willingness to bend. We are not God and to refuse to compromise in life is to destroy any possibility of dialogue. The tragedy is that the proud person usually is in emotional pain but refuses to express his/her needs of others. Such rigidity bleeds feelings from any relationships.
Selfish, egotistical, thoughtless, spoiled
Many children who are spoiled by their parents, given everything they ever wanted at their slightest whim, grow up to be dysfunctionally selfish. They become lost and hurt in a world that refuses to respond to their wants and needs like their doting parent. Such people are unable to create a relationship because they are thoughtless. Their obsessive infatuation with their needs eventually destroys them.
Emotionally cold, unaffectionate, detached, unresponsive
Many adults, who were hurt in their childhood, having been emotionally and/or sexually abused, often are unable to create a physical contact in relationships. The past abuse haunts them into adulthood, making them prisoners of an unresponsiveness that keeps other people locked out.
Isolated, uncommunicative, lonely, boring
All relationships are based on people wanting to come together – to know and be known. To isolate or restrict communication eventually destroys a relationship. Self-induced isolation also creates a boring loneliness that keeps people away because there is nothing adventuresome, exciting or attractive about isolation.
Health problems (hungry, angry, lonely, tired)
A healthy person has the possibility of being an exciting person. To neglect health through poor diet, repression of feelings, self-induced isolation and an abuse of work or sleeps are an escape from reality; it also is spiritually irresponsible. God does not make junk. Our physical, emotional and mental well-being is our responsibility as creative creatures; to neglect important health issues is to hinder the possibility of healthy relationships.
Negative, destructive, cynical, and pessimistic
Any healthy relationship is a positive statement about life. To develop and sustain negative and pessimistic attitudes and behavior patterns is to destroy the creative momentum of a relationship. Relationships are part of our spiritual “yes to life.”
Spirituality is about being willing to reach out into new areas, engage in new and different relationships, and enjoy the richness of the Creators world. As I grow in sobriety, I develop the capacity to react differently to painful situations and overcome them. I learn that mistakes can make for new conquests. That lasting joys and achievements are born in the risk.
We now have clearly seen the characteristics that create and sustain dysfunctional relationships. All these characteristics would destroy any relationship with A) ourselves, B) other people and C) God.
How can we claim to love God if by our attitude and behavior we are destroying any meaningful relationship with other people? Did God not say “Love your neighbor as you love Me!” How can we grow and develop spiritually as human beings if we have isolated ourselves from any creative relationships with others? I know I just went through a very rough period with a very close and special friendship. But I had to stop closing myself to change and improvement in my life by concentrating on the fact that I was badly hurt by the other person. I had to open my eyes and see my part in the conflict, and then do what I could to change my behaviors and attitudes so that I will be able to live a more peaceful life with myself and my other friends in my life. Today I am learning that God can be apprehended and discovered in my relationship with others and myself.
In confronting the characteristics of a dysfunctional relationship, I was able to identify the goals for developing and sustaining healthy relationships. I learned that I can only turn it over to Him, when I see what it is that needs to be changed. In confronting the dysfunction, I was brought into the joy of a spiritual recovery. Today, to me, Spirituality is being Positive and Creative in my day to day life to the best of my ability. Here are a few suggestions for a healthy relationship with ourselves, other people and God:
• Accept criticism gratefully, being appreciative of the opportunity to improve.
• Do not indulge in self-pity.
• Do not expect special consideration from anyone.
• Seek to express your feelings responsibly.
• Realize that no person or situation is wholly good or bad.
• Seek to endure defeat and disappointment without whining or complaining.
• Do not worry unduly about things that are not your responsibility.
• Do not boast or “show off” in a socially unacceptable manner.
• Enjoy the success and good fortune of others.
• Remain open-minded and listen thoughtfully to the opinion of others.
• Do not harbor resentments.
• Remember that nobody is perfect, we are not God.
Today I strive to follow these suggestions on a daily basis. I still cannot apply them all perfectly, and I believe I never will. But today I just strive for progress for the better in my relationships with myself, others, and God, on a daily basis. Doing things this way I can surely and clearly say that my life and my relationships with myself, others and the God of my understanding, and my recovery fro Addiction, is getting better. I am ok with myself and the world around me and have no excuse to go back to active drug abuse. Today I’ve finally been able to tell myself that I do not have to suffer unhealthy/dysfunctional relationships anymore. I just try to improve myself and leave the dysfunctional relationships behind as lessons to remind me how easily I can get hurt if I allow myself to get hurt. For more information, or should you have any questions about Drug and /or Alcohol Addiction. Please feel free to contact us anytime at tel. nos.: 63-32-2315229 or 63-32-2331881 or 63-918-9379851.