My Hope for Marilyn

Some people will die for others’ approval and love as a validation of their self-worth. They are looking in the wrong places for something very crucial. For no one knows a person better than the person himself.

This was what I told Marilyn, a friend of mine who’s yet so young she could just be my daughter. She is bitterly shy, always feeling like she is never as good as anyone. “Our house helper cooks very well; I couldn’t even start the stove,” she told me.

There’s a boy she likes, her classmate. They’ve been in the same school for two years now, but she has not even once said hello to him. She thinks he doesn’t like her. I think he just doesn’t notice her. In class, she always sits several seats away from him. She’s afraid to get closer.

Her mom, sensing the daughter’s insecurities, always makes it a point to praise Marilyn for anything. The mother thinks this might help give the girl some reassurance that she’s a worthy person. But it doesn’t seem to work; Marilyn thinks her mother only says nice things about her because she’s her daughter.

Well, I’m not Marilyn’s parent, yet I find her to be a fine girl. She’s pretty, and quite smart, except in terms of her self-concept. It’s crazy how a person so eager for others’ acceptance could be so mean to herself.

None of us on this planet was born or even meant to be perfect. We all have deficiencies, in one way or the other. If a flaw is not something we were born with, it is something we acquire along the way. But personal flaws, whatever they may be, are better to be hurdled than be made an excuse for easy surrender.

And there’s practically nothing that can’t be hurdled, with the right attitude. Even an actual physical defect. A one-legged man may never become a track-and-field star. But, with an open mind, he may redirect his passion for athletics to other exciting endeavors that are not as physically demanding.  

It’s not easy, of course, to confront personal deficiencies that are driving other people away, especially the ones that matter to us. Nor is it simple to consider that some of these may just be our imagination. But, if we want whole lives, we need to work on identifying and then resolving the inconvenient issues of our beings.

Personal discrepancies, whether real or imaginary, are points of discomfort. Hounded by these, either a person avoids the company of other people because he thinks he is not worthy to be with them or people avoid him because he’s uncomfortable to be with. Anyone who claims to be okay in such situation has a bigger problem.

Marilyn is not feeling okay. Proof to that, she seeks my opinion on how she may overcome her feelings of inferiority.

First of all, I think, Marilyn needs to conduct an objective, in-depth self-assessment. She must identify the things that she thinks can fill up her life and make her happy, and what’s keeping these out of her reach. Then, as soon as she has a clear idea of what to go for, to focus herself on it, set herself on a definite course of action.

I’m not saying that Marilyn shall be totally self-absorbed, totally ignore others and the social conventions. So long as she is fully in touch with her core values and she knows what’s truly important to her, she will likely conduct herself well, in a determined yet appropriate manner.

Efforts in mending personal defects can only come in small increments. Marilyn needs the patience to take it slowly. It will help to ask herself silently, “Is others’ approval too important to me in this particular case that I may contravene the leading of my conscience?” every time she is faced with a tricky situation. This is as much that can be dealt with at one time.

If the answer is “Yes,” she shall go for it, take the risk. If “No,” then she is to do nothing and just wait to see what happens. It doesn’t help to berate or criticize herself for the outcome of the decision made. It’s enough to take note of it. She will learn from what she observes.

Indeed, there’s a lot to learn.

Some degree of self-restraint is necessary. Total honesty or personal liberty can get our lives into snags. Let’s say, you don’t smile at anyone if you don’t feel like smiling. Or you spontaneously cry or sulk when you’re hurt, blow your top at once when you’re mad. Or you always tell your spouse your honest opinion about him or her. Your life will not be very quiet and peaceful, for sure.

But so much peace and quiet can be bewildering, too. Imagine what life would be like if there were no problems to solve, no challenges to face up to, no crises to overcome, no deadlines to meet, no conflicts to settle. The world can look so drab and life can be so boring. Perhaps only a saint can stand that.

Many people cannot stand boredom. They indulge in their adrenaline to beat the feeling of dullness; go adventurous, take risks, trying to gear up their lives to a high level of drama. But to allow oneself to be run purely by adrenaline is waiving his essential right to be in full control of his life. It’s a loser who is often in search of the adrenaline rush to enable him to feel alive and vital. The energy rush may only make him active, even restless, but not alive.

We need to be serious students of our own selves, of our own lives; to understand our innermost yearnings, to be smart and analytical about it. Taking risks or holding ourselves back may be necessary at times, but only if the move is in line with our defined goal or desired outcome. And for no reason whatsoever shall we ever feel less in our beings simply because we lack some talents, even limbs.

The persistent learner will eventually acquire the courage to stand up for what he believes in, to risk disapproval if need be. When he does, he has fully understood that he is a unique person, created to be different from the others. He finally feels comfortable with himself, because he has found the ultimate truth of his being—that he’s okay, no matter what the others say.

This is what I hope for Marilyn. I hope she takes heed. I hope I’m right.  (E-MAIL: [email protected])