Caring for an Elderly Parent
Caring for an aging parent, presents difficult challenges – especially when a crisis hits and you are suddenly faced with the responsibilities of elder care. There are the many questions that have to be answered. What kind of help does your loved one need ... long term elder care? Or, help for only a short time to recover after a hospital stay? What challenges does your loved one’s condition pose? What nursing care plans are most appropriate? What kind of elder care do you arrange? What elder care living arrangements are available for your loved one? How will you manage it all – and still maintain a life of your own?
Whatever the circumstances, here are suggestions.
• The most important thing to keep in mind: All along the way, remember to pause from time to time and collect your thoughts. Take a deep breath and clear your mind and relax. It may be difficult, but it will help sustain your spirits and prevent you from sinking under the weight of care giving burdens.
• First, call a family meeting. Try to get as many people involved as possible from the beginning. Inputs from them will facilitate communication and decision-making down the line. Allow all family members a chance to express themselves and their feelings about what should be done. If possible, designate a person to be responsible for each task.
Make sure that everyone on the care giving team – whether family members, friends or professionals – has the information they need to perform their responsibilities. Make a list of emergency numbers, family contact numbers and other items and distribute it to all members of thee care giving team. Family members should know how to locate legal, financial and medical documents such as: durable powers of attorney, living wills, investment account statements and health insurance policies in case of emergency.
• Second, don’t forget to talk to the elders. It is best to allow them as much independence as circumstances permit. The more and longer independence they can maintain the more productive their lives will be. Remember that the caregiver’s role is to help them maintain as much control over their lives as feasible, not take it away; this includes allowing them to make their own decisions unless the decisions become harmful to them. The more you can consult with them, consider their desires, and truly respect them, the smoother the transition in your relationship will be.
• Third, talk to friends, neighbors, acquaintances – anyone with experience in caring for an elder. You will assemble a mosaic of information about how to proceed and what to expect down the line. You will learn how others found their way through – though sometimes with great difficulty and sadness.
• Fourth, in case of illness, have a complete health history. If possible, include major illness and medical conditions of your loved one’s parents, brothers and sisters.
Make a list of all medications (prescription drugs, over-the-counter drugs such as aspirin, antacids, herbal remedies, nutritional supplements – even daily multi-vitamins), dosage amounts and instructions for taking them (time of day, with food or between meals, etc.). Take this list with you to ALL of your loved one’s medical appointments to help avoid dangerous prescription drugs interactions. Learn as much as possible about the medical condition afflicting the senior. Conduct research on the internet. Study the symptoms and progression of the disease so you can anticipate what might come next. Ask questions of the attending medical personnel.
It is best to actively follow-up a commitment made to you by a professional or medical personnel who are helping you with your loved one to do what they promise. Ask Questions. Bottom line – the more you become involved with the care and other affairs of your loved one, the more satisfied you will be with your care giving experience.
Illness involves cost therefore it is important to investigate your loved one’s health insurance matters. What kind of coverage do they have? Are they eligible for Medicare benefits? If so, are they enrolled properly? Do they have a long term care insurance policy in place? If so, what exactly does it cover? Do they have any coverage through a private pension plan or retirement package?
Explore other available financial resources. What assets does he or she have? Do they own real estate? How much is their home worth, any ownership of stocks and bonds and other investments? What is his or her monthly income from Social Security, other government programs, private pension plans, CDs, other bank accounts, annuities and investments?
• Even if this is an acute crisis likely to pass, start gathering information about assisted living facilities and other long-term care options. You may consider hiring a care giver. When the time comes, you want to be able to offer the senior a range of options to choose from.
If the senior is able to live independently at home, make sure you and others in their inner circle have keys to the residence in case of emergency.
• Fifth, find out if the senior has the proper legal tools and documents in place. Has someone been appointed to take care of business and make health care decisions in case of temporary or permanent disability? Has the senior made clear their wishes for end-of-life care? If necessary, consult an attorney specializing in elder law.
• Sixth, keep notes. Whenever you talk to a doctor, lawyer, insurance company, service agency, government office or advocacy organization, write down the date and the name of the person you spoke with, contact information and the substance of the conversation. Maintain separate files for different areas of concern – financial topics, medical affairs and so on.
Remember to Ask Questions, the information you have the better you will be able to make informed decisions.
• Last but not the least; acknowledge your own feelings of loss, anger, shock and confusion. Perhaps you realized this moment was coming, perhaps not. In any event, you are likely to find unsettling emotions bubbling under the surface. Allow yourself time to experience them. Write them down in a journal. Take care of yourself, too.
• If you still find that there are unsettled issues you can contact “REAL TALK” Counseling and
Please note that “RealTalk” is presenting a free workshop on ‘Caring for Elderly Parents’ on 3, May at
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