The fight…for living

Life is indeed beautiful but complexity is part of its wonders. We cannot expect straight ways in this journey because at any corner, we can always meet mazes and crossroads. Which way to go lies upon us. One important thing to bear is to be ready when life strikes the worst.

I thought life could not be any bitter when six years ago my parents separated. I tortured myself into believing that belonging to a broken family was the worst thing that could happen to me. It was the hardest, a most sudden transition in my life. It seemed like in just a single click of a finger, the world fell on me. I faced life with anger. For a time, I packed my whole being with shame. It took me a long time to appreciate the brighter side of living. Yes, my parents have separated but I still got both of them and my two younger siblings as my family. I realized this as a great thing. Eventually, I moved on, hoping that life would no longer give me any bigger misery.

This hope left me unprepared of another blow. Again, life gave out very painful strike my way.

I embraced the month of March with grief as my father finally took his last breath. Things happened so fast that I did not know how to respond. I became so confused. I would not know how to treat the world with this cruel reality. Once again I felt so inferior, full of self-pity. For six years, I lost my Dad from our very home and it was not easy at all. Now, he is gone forever. I can only regret allowing all those years to pass by without telling him how much I cared and loved him. It feels so bad that now, when I have totally forgiven him and am starting to fulfill my dreams for all of us, it seems too late. I feel so frustrated that the time for me to bridge the gap between my Dad and me has ended even before I started. He was always part of my dreams. Now I can no longer see him. I feel like all my dreams shattered.

Up to this moment, I am still grieving and I know I would spend more nights crying over his death. I admit, there were times I prayed not to wake up the following day and just wished for me to suddenly disappear, to escape all these burdens. But I have been through a lot of life''s challenges. I could think of no reasons to back out. There is no room for giving up. This time, I cannot afford to be weak and pessimistic because, more than ever, my family needs me and Papa won''t totally rest in peace seeing me this way. I would like to believe that he chose to stop the fight against his illness because he realized that I am competent enough to take over his role. Yes, Pa, I will and I will never fail you.

I should face the world with much gladness and continue the quest for living. Acceptance is definitely not an overnight process. I just have to start believing that all these trials will mold me into a stronger and better person. I will take a step forward but this time, I should not assume that life has already given me its worst strike. Still, it has a lot to offer, tears and laughters alike. Whatever it may be, I am certain that I can bear it well for the good God is with me, plus my family who''s always backing me up. I can get through anything. It''s just that I must have faith and continue the fight!