Help your partner grow without being a critic

CEBU, Philippines - The old adage, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is not true, especially when it comes to relationship.

The Wake Up Millionaire App website” has this to say: “ The truth is that our words can make or break our relationship and we need to commit to using our words wisely. You can communicate your message without being mean or sarcastic. If you approach your spouse in a supportive and encouraging way, your message is going to be received much better.”

I know of someone whose resentment toward her spouse is getting deeper and deeper every day because he verbally abused her. He would call her names and would remind her how dysfunctional her family is. Her father physically and verbally abuse her mother, especially that the latter has no work. She could not understand why her husband would always make uncalled for remarks on her parents, instead of discussing the issue at hand.

She asked me if it would be   wise to talk things over with her husband because she could not anymore take the verbal abuse that she received. I told her that good communication is the number one ingredient in a healthy and successful marriage. It is wise to discuss the issue at hand to make things clear.

There are many ways to make a marriage go.  Our source and the “DivorceNet.com” believe that for the health of one's marriage, the following practical tips  should be observed:

• Don’t say “You always…” or “You never…”  When we’re trying to make a point, we often make beautiful allegations about our spouse that exaggerate the truth. “Always” and “Never”  can be dangerous words. If you do say the words, “You always" or “You never”  make sure you say something positive. Like, “You always know how to make a smile,” instead of something negative, like, “You always make things complicated,” or “You never do anything to help me.”

• Don’t say anything mean, degrading or disrespectful. You need to always keep a positive tone in your words if you want to maintain a positive tone in your marriage. Once you say negative words, you can never take it back. So be very careful about each word you speak to each other. A marriage can’t have too much encouragement or too little criticism.

• Don’t say “divorce” or “separation.” The word shouldn’t be part of your vocabulary. Don’t use it as a threat or an option. There’s no intimacy in marriage without complete commitment and there can be no true commitment if you have this threat as an exit strategy.

• Think before you speak. Couples tend to develop hot button issues that cause frequent argument. You can reduce the bickering by waiting before responding to something that has made you angry. Count to ten. It may be better to discuss once emotions are not so high.

• Don’t give up. Any married person will tell you that marriage wax and wane. There are good times and bad times and so-so times. A marriage is viable if the good outweighs  the bad, even by a little bit. The more you appreciate the good and try to let the bad roll off, the easier it will get, and the more fondness and connection you will feel towards your spouse.

• Give your marriage much attention as you give your hobbies. This is a good investment if you want to make your marriage lasts  for a lifetime.

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