CEBU, Philippines - There’s no doubt that when the would-be husband and wife first met, there was that kind of spark that made both of them forget the rest of the world. It was only the two of them that mattered. It was very romantic for sure. Just talking, doing things for each other or just being together brought so much joy, for sure.
To be noticed by someone one admires is indeed a real thrill. And, yes, during that exciting and memorable time of courtship, one’s life seems to take on a certain new order. Everything just seems right; there suddenly seems to be meaning in everything, even in those little things that used to be insignificant.
At some point, the couple decides to get married. It’s both an emotional and practical decision. Being together with each other feels so good that the lovers both want to be sure it stays that way.
But then it is common knowledge that many marriages break down soon after the matrimonial knot is tied. Why is that? Why has that glow in the relationship died down?
One reason is that many other responsibilities soon compete for the couple’s attention, according to Thomas R. Lee, Ph.D., of the Department of Family and Human Development at Utah State University. Dr. Lee writes, at http://strongermarriage.org, that “stresses and worries can crowd out time for your spouse and your marriage.” And he ass, “It is possible to keep love and romance alive in your marriage with some planning and effort.”
Friendship is the key, according to Dr. Lee. “Keeping love and romance alive in your marriage doesn't have to depend on going on cruises or weekend getaways. Couples who still ‘feel the glow’ in their marriage are those who, on a daily basis, have nurtured the friendship that is the basis of all happy marriages.” Friendship has been found be mainly (70 percent) the bedrock of satisfaction in marital sex, romance and passion among both men and women.
Dr. Lee goes on to quote John Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” which offers practical tips for strengthening the marital friendship:
1. Stay in touch with each other. Be aware of each other's daily lives to keep up on how your spouse thinks and feels. Have a regular time to talk each day about the simple things of the day, whether its talking on the phone or spending 15 minutes each evening holding hands and talking.
2. Show appreciation. One of the greatest needs we have is the need to feel appreciated. Most of us do pretty well at saying thanks or giving compliments for the obvious things. To get really good, we need to improve at noticing the not-so-obvious things. Learn to say thanks for the invisible work (things that only get noticed when they don't get done) such as, "Thanks for a drawer full of clean clothes" or "Thanks for putting that back where I keep it." Also say thanks for the daily efforts of others such as "Thanks for bringing in the paper" or "Thanks for cleaning up the kitchen." Tell your spouse you're grateful for her or him. After a while you will develop the appreciation habit.
3. Show kindness. Doing little things for each other is so simple, yet it is often overlooked. It is especially hard to be kind when your spouse has been critical or unkind towards you. It's just human nature to be less kind in return. But kindness is catching. Your kind words and actions will bring out kindness in your spouse. Try doing simple, unselfish things for your spouse such as listening with patience, helping with a task when they are busy, avoiding an angry reply, or apologizing for something you said. Leave a short "love note" on your spouse's pillow or lunch sack, send your spouse a card in the mail or give some a small gift for no special occasion.
4. Give the gift of understanding. It's true that no one ever fully understands what his or her spouse is feeling. But when your spouse is feeling down or upset, you can listen and offer support rather than trivializing his or her feeling or offering advice about what he or she should do. As Stephen Covey puts it, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."
Try these steps: 1- Listen with full attention; 2- Give a simple acknowledgement of your spouse's feelings with an "Oh" or "I see" or "Mmmm..."; 3- Check out your understanding, "You're feeling upset because ...? Is that right?" 4- Say something to show understanding. "I didn't know that's how you felt..." or "That must have been awful."
5. Learn your spouse’s “love language.” One such language is telling your spouse you love him or her. Another is showing your beloved your love by doing some special thing for him or her. Or you may to want to hug and hold hands and be close. You probably like to be told and shown in different ways at different times. Think of the thing that means the most to your spouse. You may want to ask.
6. Make time for fun. Having fun together is essential to keep the glow going in your marriage. In your busy lives, that may take a little planning. Some things continue to be fun, but others may get to be boring. Add to the fun things you do in your marriage. Try and shake up the familiar patterns.
Howard Markman has suggested a simple way to add to your fun things-to-do list. You and your spouse can each make a list of fun activities you'd like to do. Trade lists with your spouse. Choose one thing from your spouse's list. Have him or her choose one from yours. Schedule the activities. Each spouse takes responsibility to plan the activity chosen from the partner's list. Make the scheduled activities a priority.
7. Balance being a parent with being a partner. Parenthood can bring some special demands and challenges to the marriage, including fatigue, increased time demands, increased financial pressures, differing ideas about how to parent, unequal involvement in parenting, and unequal division of household labor. For wives especially, this can result in feeling unappreciated and resentful, and most wives report a decline in their marital happiness after becoming mothers. But one recent study found that about 33 percent of women experienced an increase in marital satisfaction upon becoming a mother. This was not due to having an easy baby, working or not working, nursing or bottle-feeding – it all depended on whether the husband became a true partner in parenting.
A solid marital friendship is a buffer against the problems that arise in marriage. No marriage will ever be totally free of differences, and setting out to "fix" everything problematic is an impossible task. The more the couple is focused on problems, the more problems they’ll see. Couples are happier when they can focus on the good in their marriage and in their spouse. When the friendship is good, it's easier to do that. And when the friendship is solid and the spouses are happy in the marriage, differences and problems don't matter as much. (FREEMAN)