Countdowns for Christmas started coming out on the first of September. And although I think more than a hundred days is a little too long to begin the countdown, I couldn’t help feeling just a little excited. I suppose that’s the whole point of countdowns: they help drum up excitement for a coming event. I remember making my own countdowns in college. When exam week approached, I would make a countdown until my last exam and ultimately my trip back home. I felt great satisfaction ripping up the piece of paper with the number on it as the day I longed for approached.
Unfortunately, not everything in life can be counted down. Having a countdown implies that there is an end in sight, a tangible conclusion to the waiting. Except that for the most important things, we really have no idea how and when they will end. I’ve noticed that as I’ve grown older, my prayers can be put in two categories: those that have specific outcomes (like a project or a problem) and those that do not. It is very easy to be grateful for answered prayers of the short-term kind. If I pray for healing, whether for myself or someone else, there is a specific outcome. When I pray for the success of a particular project, there are results. Even when I don’t always like the outcome, I can proceed to praying for acceptance and trying to figure out how to move on.
But some things don’t have closure. There are prayers that I have prayed for so long that I wonder if they will ever be answered. Or there are prayers that I simply do not know the answers to. Some days, I take it all in stride. But other days, I complain to the Big Man himself. “All I need is a little hint,” I try to persuade Him. What I really, honestly want to know is: is it worthwhile saying the prayer if I might not like the answer in the far future? Or should I stop saying the prayer instead and leave it be? Until one day, while I was at prayer, inspiration struck.
No prayer is ever wasted. And no one who prays can remain unchanged. Even when our prayers do not begin with the best of intentions, we often find ourselves purified in the process. God in His infinite wisdom and mercy always answers us in His perfect time. Never too early. Never too late. And He is always faithful even if we are not. So what answer did I receive from God? The ability to persevere in prayer was itself the answer.
Without perseverance, virtues would not continue to be virtues. If we have faith only when it suits us, we would not become faithful. If we love in fits and starts, we are not really very loving. And if we hope only when it’s easy, we lose the point entirely. I had forgotten that perseverance was itself a grace. I had been proud to think that I merely persevered in prayer from my own merits. But if it had really and truly been only up to me, I would have left many of my “long term” prayers by the wayside. I would have given up asking them long ago. But my short-term answer to my long term prayer is the grace to continue to pray, to ask, to beg.
And as for the final answer to the long term prayer? I pray for patience and remind myself that I always did like surprises better than countdowns.