CEBU, Philippines - The family is where one's life experience and concept of the world begin. As the newborn sees the other members of his own family - whether his parents or siblings - he gets an idea that he is not the only one of his kind. It is, first and foremost, a reassuring sight; especially as everybody tends to respond positively to his every need.
But, as we all know, family members also fight among themselves. It is said that the ugliest quarrels are those among family members, the reason being that both sides are supposed to be there for each other - not against each other. Sadly, some family squabbles tear the family apart completely.
But while family wars are always bound to happen, they need not last long. The fact that families are made up of several individuals, each with his or her own self-interests and particular view of things, makes internal clashes not entirely avoidable. But it is the common challenge for every family member to try to resolve their disputes quickly and harmoniously.
Conflicts are easier to resolve when the ones involved are little kids. But when the kids have all grown up and already have full-blown egos, rifts within the family can really be hard to handle. Clashes now need to be approached much more carefully.
The team at www.wikihow.com offers the following guidelines in handling and resolving family disputes:
1.Calm down.
Very little is accomplished when angry. Emotions can interfere with logic, and anger prevents empathy. Even though it's hard to contain yourself when you're angry, just try your best to calm down. Staying calm is a must if you want to solve anything. Take a walk, take a shower, take a break. Just get some air between you and the anger.
2.Rejoin.
Agree to meet. Find a time and place to work where you will not be likely to re-engage in the battle. Perhaps a public setting, meeting with a counselor or a trusted family authority, or having a conversation with a priest or minister will keep you from blowing up.
3.Think.
Try to get yourself to be as objective as possible. Don't just turn in circles, getting yourself worked up again. Instead, use the time before meeting up to plan your approach, develop your points, consider all options, and think up a possible settlement. List down both sides of the conflict, and look for both the positive and the negative to each. Prepare.
4.Be positive.
This is your opportunity to lead the process and show the other side how serious you are about settling the dispute. Go into the meeting head up, smiling, positive, leaning toward a good solution.
5.Follow the leader.
If you use a mediator - say, a respected friend or elder - he or she will most likely have guidelines for everyone's demeanor. If you handle the mediation by yourself, prepare yourself accordingly; for example, look up professional mediation procedures and follow those. The more formalized the process, the better the chance of its being taken seriously.
Important guidelines include: a) Take turns in talking (don't interrupt); b) repeat what was just said to show you're listening; c) list, list, list every suggestion; d) quit if anyone gets angry - take a break to breathe; e) write down any agreement reached.
6.Document.
Whatever the outcome of the meeting, write it down and have both sides sign it, and both sides shall keep a copy. You might think it is not necessary since you're a family, but this, again, formalizes the process, adds weight to whatever agreement reached, and helps both sides remember what they had agreed to.
7.Review if necessary.
If soon the agreement begins to fall apart, the parties shall meet again to re-commit themselves to it. Or, if amendments to the original agreement are necessary, then go through the process again.
Maintaining peace and harmony in the family relationship shall be a consistent initiative of every member. Any discord shall be avoided as much as possible. Everyone shall understand that a crack in the relationship is difficult to patch up - because as the atmosphere in the family is characteristically warm, it can also heat up so easily. (FREEMAN)