In their dedication to me, Linny and Trixie wrote, "Thanks for being an example of being a graceful woman to us."
Of course, that dedication made me read the book (published in the Philippines by OMF Literature Inc.) faster than you could say "graceful!"
Heavy on Scriptures – this is no Oprah book, I must warn you – it nevertheless puts many things in perspective and makes you understand yourself and in the case of married women and women in relationships, it helps you understand men. (If you read advice columns in glossies, 99 percent of women’s problems have to do with their relationships with men – how to understand them, how to live with them, how to live without them.)
Elliot puts a Christian perspective to it. You may or may not agree with her, but she will make you ponder on many things.
And so it must be with an open mind and an open heart that you must read this book. Elliot, by the way is "a serious student of Scripture" and a professor at Gordon Conwell Seminary.
I say "open mind" because her book (written at the height of the strong feminist movement in the ’70s and ’80s) is unequivocally anchored on the belief, based on the Scriptures, that woman was created for man, to be a helpmate to man and to submit to him. She says the Bible is ambiguous on some things, but not on that. Still, submission for Elliot is not some form of slavery. It is just a limitation that defines women, just like bearing children is a unique edge women have over men. In other words, birds are birds, cats are cats, men are men, women are women. Some are meant to fly; others purr; others are meant to be providers; others, homemakers (although not necessarily 100 percent homemakers). This delineation of roles is what brings order into the world. "Woman can and ought to be judged by the criteria of femininity, for it is in their femininity that they participate in the human race. And femininity has its limitations. So has masculinity. To be a woman is not to be a man."
Elliot cites this female pilot who got ahead in life by looking at her male colleagues as fellow pilots. She was out to prove she was the better pilot; she was not out to prove she belonged to the better sex. "Betty had made up her mind that if she was going to make her way in a man’s world, she had to be a lady. She would have to compete with men in being a pilot, but she would not compete with men in being a man. She refused to try in any way to act like a man."
Come to think of it, men never really try to prove that they can do what women do, the way women make a big thing of proving that they can do what men can. Why bother, indeed? Life is not a thesis project that we have to defend.
Elliot believes in a strong, all-powerful, take-control God ("We are creatures of a great master Designer.") No question there. She believes nothing in the world happens by chance, and that if God can control the big things (like creation), he can control the "little things" (like twisting an ankle, perhaps?)
"The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived – not always looked forward to as though the "real" living were around the next corner, it is for today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow," she writes. These lines are a soothing balm to those who keep worrying about tomorrow, when all that is real is today, and tomorrow is still a gift from God waiting to be unwrapped.
You marry a sinner – there’s "no one else to marry." We are all sinners. But you forget he is a sinner because of your love and when he does something that reminds you that he is indeed a sinner, you ask yourself, "where did things go wrong?"
"The prize package we think we’ve found is likely to contain surprises, not all of them welcome," points out Elliot. So, learn to forgive.
You marry a man, not a woman, and he obviously won’t have the same bathroom habits as you do. "He is likely to be bigger and louder and tougher and hungrier and dirtier than a woman expects." She learns that what makes her cry may make him laugh. When a woman is fed up with this creature she can’t fathom, she’ll say, "Just like a man!" Elliot thinks it should be a reason to thank God that, "It is a man she married, after all, and she is lucky if he acts like a man."
You marry a husband, so let him "husband you." Husband, according to Elliot, connotes "conserving, caring for, managing or protecting" and a wife "needs to allow herself to be cherished."
Finally, you marry a person, so you must learn to accept the mystery of his personhood. He is fully known and completely understood only by God, not even his mother. "Ultimately he is God’s man. He is free and you must always reverence his freedom. There are questions you have no right to ask, matters into which you must not probe and secrets you must be content never to know."
But when she purrs instead of roars, it isn’t a downgrade. She probably will rule the world with a single purr.
(P.S. Helen Reddy is the voice behind the national anthem of the feminist movement, I Am Woman, some lines of which go, "I am woman hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore. If I have to, I can do anything. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman!")