Should you forgive and forget?

How do you know it is Easter? Not by the empty tomb alone. Not by angels sitting where Jesus had lain. Not even by reported sightings of the Lord. 

Jesus came and stood in their midst and said to them, “Peace be with you” (John 20:19).

Jesus’ first words to his disciples were not “Why did you abandon me?” Not “Where were you when I needed you?” Not even “I told you I would rise – I told you so!” Jesus’ first word was “Peace.” This word is a second chance. It is a renewed invitation to life with the Lord. It is a resurrection. It is Easter!

When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side (John 20:20).

Why did Jesus show his wounded hands and side to his disciples? Why, after giving them his peace, did Jesus show the nail marks that marred his body, reminders of what he had gone through on the cross? You have heard of the expression rubbing salt on someone’s wounds. Was Jesus now rubbing his wounds in his disciples’ faces for a similar effect? But Jesus was not shaming his disciples. Again, his first word was peace. And right after he showed them his hands and his side, he said a second time, “Peace be with you” (John 20:21).

You have heard of the expression “Forgive and forget.” Should we? Jesus would say no. Forgive, yes. But forget? No. If you just forget, then you would have learned nothing from the whole experience. If you just forget, then you are just resetting things to zero. If you do not forget, then there is the opportunity to raise the relationship to the next level. When Jesus showed his wounds to his disciples, I think he was saying, “You hurt me. That cannot be undone. The wounds may heal, but there will always be scars. You hurt me. But I forgive you. There is pain, but my love for you is stronger than the pain. Peace.”

Forgive, but do not forget. Forgive, and remember — in the radical sense of that word. Re-member: Make the person who hurt you a member of your circle again. Let him or her into your life anew.

Last Holy Week, in Iran, a public execution was scheduled for a murderer named Balal. In 2007, at the age of 19, Balal got into a fight with 17-year-old Abdollah Hosseinzadeh. Balal got a kitchen knife, stabbed Abdollah, and killed him. For this, Balal was to be hanged.

As the noose was placed around Balal’s neck, the parents of Abdollah came up to him. Abdollah’s mother asked for a chair to stand on so she could reach Balal’s face. Then she slapped him.

But then she said, “Forgiven.” And she walked away. The execution was halted. In Iranian law, this was enough to spare the life of a murderer.

Forgiveness is not easy. Abdollah’s mother was torn by it. She was still angry. Abdollah was dead, and nothing Balal could do would ever bring her son back. That was why she slapped Balal. Without this slap, this story would just be a fairy tale. But also, because nothing Balal could ever do would bring Abdollah back, the mother forgave her son’s killer. Forgiving someone can feel like dying. However, it can also give life, not just to the forgiven but also to the forgiver.

Forgiveness is a new creation. But it is not a creatio ex nihilo, a creation out of nothing. It is more like the creation narrated in Genesis. It is a creation out of darkness and chaos, out of despair and confusion. It is a creation out of dirt, out of the garbage we feel life has thrown at us. It is a creation from a broken rib, from a part of us that is lost and can never be returned.

How do you know it is Easter? When forgiveness happens, it is Easter.

Is there someone you need to forgive? I am not going to ask you to forgive him or her right now. Forgiveness is not easy. It takes time – more than just three days. Instead, I ask you to just imagine this person in front of you right now. You might want to slap him or her. Whether you resist the temptation or not, look at this person straight in the eye and just say, “Happy Easter.”