Dear Mai Mai, China and Tingting,
My husband and I have been married for two years and it has been a rocky marriage since day one. The issue has always been his mother. He was their breadwinner before we married and there’s the perception that he married me only because I was pregnant so his mother has always been in the middle of our relationship. He can’t say no to her. He gives her part of his salary, yet she is still very demanding. Already he doesn’t have enough time with us and yet on his days off, he invites his mother to sleep over, instead of spending time with us. I even heard his mother is urging him to leave me. He’s such a mama’s boy. I don’t feel we are building a new life for ourselves because his mother is always a factor in our decision-making process. Will he ever change? What should I do? If not for our daughter, I would want to give up!
Coffee Drinker
Obviously you’re not alone. It’s the classic mother-in-law/daughter-in-law feud, each vying for one man’s time, resources and attention. Take it easy. Pulling and tugging won’t do you good. As of now, I am sure the points are stacked against you. His mother has been taking care of him for a longer time and not only has he been the breadwinner, but mothers and sons have a strange connection. That said, I understand your grievance that he should also realize that he’s married and that it’s time for a change. Talk to him about this but avoid being combative about it. Discuss a plan that will permit him to divide his time and resources fairly. Lay out the problems carefully. Let him know what you expect of him and ask what he expects of you. Talk it out. - China
His mother is within the realms of his comfort zone. It would not be right for you to expect him to abandon her just like that. Instead you might want to nurture your own comfort zone — a private environment that’s welcoming to come home to. I also suggest you talk and both work out a plan that will allow a smooth shift in his priorities. Be more empathetic. Maybe it would be easier if you stop refusing to accept the mother-in-law and instead begin recognizing that she is part of the family. Instead of thinking of her as an enemy, maybe you should cultivate an environment where she can be an ally. It might be difficult now, but try working it out. Believe me, life will be easier that way. - Maimai
If there’s one big mistake couples make, it’s the assumption that they can change their spouses after marriage. You can’t. The best thing you should do is work on yourself. You have to make some critical adjustments and be more understanding. Start accepting his mother into your life and offer less resistance. Make it easy on yourselves. Mothers are integral parts of their children’s (son’s or daughter’s) lives. I understand how difficult it is for him to turn his back on his mom especially because he was the breadwinner. He’s been caring for her over the past years and a responsible son shouldn’t just drop the ball the next day. The transition may be slow and difficult. You must hold on. The other thing you can do is talk to your husband. Calmly talk to him about your misgivings but be open to his suggestions on resolving the issue. You’re in the adjustment phase. Be patient! - Tingting