Dear Maimai, China and Tingting,
My friend has a tendency to choose the wrong boyfriend. When we were in high school, she had a boyfriend who was a freeloader. Because she was financially better off than the guy, she would pay for their dates. She and this boyfriend were together until college. They broke up after a fight about (what else?) money. She took it hard and when she finally decided to date again, she started dating this handsome guy who had a reputation as a womanizer. She was warned but she stayed on with him anyway until close to a year after when she caught him with another girl. Now she’s in her late 20s and with a guy who has a temper. I see her with him. He’s possessive and paranoid. I am so afraid for her but she denies she is ever at the receiving end of his rage. What should we (her friends) do? Her parents don’t know anything about this since they live abroad. We don’t believe she’s safe with him.
Princess Leila
I don’t know why you assume you know more about their relationship than they do. As her friend, you have not fallen short. She has been warned and she knows where you stand. Your friend’s an adult, being in her late 20s. She should be able to make her own decisions. However, if you feel strongly about it, maybe you should ask someone else to get through to her. Maybe talk to an older brother, a close aunt or a godparent — someone she respects and listens to. She may open up to someone else who has no preconceived notions about her boyfriend. Let them stay neutral. What is important is that when she needs help and is ready to reach out, there is someone close by to answer her call. - China
If you’re seeing signs that alarm you and your friend has denied any wrongdoing has been done, I think the best thing to do is just keep a closer watch on her. You know what they say about those in love — they are blind. It’s always too late when they realize that they got the wrong guy. As her friend, just continue to assure her of your presence. Although she has not turned to you for help, make sure she understands that you will be at the sidelines, waiting (but not hoping) if and when she needs help. Keep in touch. Avoid talking about her boyfriend unless she opens up about it. Go to social gatherings together or create shared activities. I hope your suspicion about the guy is justifiable. You don’t want to destroy a relationship because of baseless rumors. - Maimai
If the guy has past anger-management issues, I am guessing that it’s still there unless he has had therapy. Anger is brought about by deep-seated emotional problems. Unless these problems are resolved, the temper will flare at the slightest provocation. I wouldn’t want to be at the receiving end of that anger. Neither should your friend. If she has been, or thinks he will change, then she is sorely mistaken. He needs professional help. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. You and your friends should work for an intervention. Sit your friend down. If the pain hasn’t happened yet, chances are it will. Possessiveness, paranoia and temper are a lethal combination. I’ve heard stories of friends who’ve been battered either as wives or as girlfriends. The guy will hurt them, ask for forgiveness and promise he’ll never do it again. But that doesn’t happen. Before she knows it, she’s afraid to leave and is emotionally and mentally battered. Explain why you think she is in danger. Get your friends around to let her know she is loved and cared for. Listen to her, too. For all you know, the boy has changed or your friend brings out something good in the boy. No one really knows what happens inside a relationship except those involved. As a friend, you just have to be around, just in case. Tingting