Dear Mai Mai, China and Tingting
My classmate likes me; he said so through his friends. The thing is, he’s gay and I’m a guy. I don’t have anything against gays. They’re loyal, funny to be with and reliable. But I’m not into relationships with them. I talked to him about this but he was obviously hurt, and has been ignoring me. I really like him as a friend and I can’t stand it if someone is angry at me. How can I appease him without raising his hopes and not compromising my stand? - Straight Guy
You refused his advances, so of course he’s hurt. But he will get over this. After all, you’re not the only fish in the pond — that’s what we say to ourselves in this time of embarrassment. I don’t know how you can win him back, even as a friend. What I know is that you can’t control his emotions and can’t force him to be cordial with you unless he’s ready. You’re right. The last thing you want is to flatter him by persuading him to be friends with you because it might be misinterpreted. As long as you didn’t come off as homophobic and insulting when you talked to him, you should have nothing to worry about. China
You’re obviously one of those nice guys who try to please everybody. You can’t stand someone angry with you? You’re a rare breed and this is why people (probably all genders) like you. Well, news flash — it isn’t possible. You’re bound to hurt someone in the process, like you have now. Don’t worry. This gay guy’s hurt will pass. It’s probably an initial reaction to what you said and how you said it. If he knows that you sincerely still want him as a friend, he will get over it and warm up to you. Don’t do anything special like wooing him or, as you said, it might raise his hopes again. Just wait. Time will solve your worries. Mai Mai
Hell hath no fury like a woman (gay) scorned, huh? Ask yourself, though: if you were courting a girl and she rejected you, wouldn’t you be hurt? Wouldn’t you try to avoid seeing her? Or ignore her when you met in the hallway? I am sure you would. We all handle rejection the same way — men, women, gays. We have the same feelings of hurt and sadness and even shame. While some might be more passionate and intense than others, the basic emotions are there. His pride was hurt with your rejection. You can understand this, so give him time. Maybe you can tell him through his friends (since he’s not talking to you) that the rejection isn’t about him (the gay guy) personally, or what he is or stands for, but it’s about you and your personal preference. Besides, you did the decent thing by talking to him instead of letting him hang around like a crazed fan. So don’t worry about it. - Tingting