We all go through life looking for the thing we’ll love most, something to be passionate about, maybe not something to live for, but to live toward: something that will make us more fully ourselves. Something to complete us. Those with more romantic notions might say that we are all in search of love.
I found my love in music. I found it in writing. In writing, I found the means to create my own little universe, an escape from the occasionally harsh reality of life. In music, I found a way to find myself again when I felt like I was slipping too far away from everything around me. I used it to reach out, to relate, to feel less alone. Music was – and still is – my link to a world that I used to think would never understand me.
There is more understanding out there than we realize. We associate so many things with the music we listen to: our heartbreaks, our happiness, our hopes, our dreams, our memories. Others have felt what we feel, and others will feel what we have felt. There are songs that have meant worlds to us; we will never be alone.
So as a 20th birthday present of sorts for the publication that has been a part of my life for the last 19 years, I give you 20 songs that have meant the world to me. Most have been mentioned here before, but here they are again, for good measure. I don’t have particularly interesting or eclectic taste, but I found love in this music, and perhaps you will, too.
1) Akap – Imago
The last time I heard Akap performed live, Aia stepped back from the mic, smiled, and let the crowd take over. Everyone sang their hearts out. A beautiful song, a beautiful moment, both unforgettable.
2) Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl – Broken Social Scene
It captures growing up from an awkward adolescent into an awkward teenager: the changes, occasionally losing yourself, and the things you wish you could bring back, knowing in your heart that some things will never be the same again.
3) Ever (Foreign Flag) – Team Sleep
A song for rainy days, like most of what this list is made up of. Escapism. "Light up the stage, so we can all take off anywhere, we’ll never come back, ever."
4) Kwarto – Sugarfree
A song for letting go. But we never truly, totally let go, do we? We just say goodbye.
5) This Love – Craig Armstrong featuring Elizabeth Fraser
"This love is a strange love." It shouldn’t be any other way.
6) Pictures of You – The Cure
Yes, sometimes, we just can’t let go.
7) Tulad Ng Dati – The Dawn
There are some things that might never be changed, only accepted, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t give up hope.
8) DOTFB – Dicta License
My favorite Dicta License song of all time, one of my favorite bands ever. Finally, people who are unafraid to step up and encourage awareness of what’s going on in the country! Hallelujah! Buy their album!
9) The Killing Moon – Echo and the Bunnymen
"Fate, up against your will."
10) Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division
No, I’m not intentionally listing the Donnie Darko soundtrack; love really will tear us apart again. And again. And again.
11) At Seventeen – Janis Ian
This one’s for every insecure teenage girl out there; you’re not alone.
12) There Is A Light That Never Goes Out – The Smiths
"Take me out tonight, take me anywhere, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care."
13) Secretly – Skunk Anansie
For anyone who’s been a Meantime Girl/Boy, this one’s for you.
14) Tonight, Tonight – Smashing Pumpkins
"Believe in me as I believe in you tonight."
15) Without You I’m Nothing – Placebo
It was hard, very hard, to pick just one Placebo song for this list. But it had to be this one. "You never see the lonely me at all."
16) World Upon Your Shoulders – Silverchair
I gave up my love for Daniel Johns a long, long time ago, but their music? Still in my heart.
17) Dito Tayo Sa Dilim – Pedicab
I know I have very depressing taste in music, but this band is absolute sunshine, and such a joy to see live, which I do as often as humanly possible. International Pogi Rock, represent!
18) Luna – The Happymeals
It would be a travesty if these guys don’t take the Philippines by storm.
19) Jóga – Björk
"You don’t have to speak, I feel."
20) 3 Libras – A Perfect Circle
What’s an Ashtray Girl Favorite Songs Of All Time list without 3 Libras?