What’s the best way to tell your friend her shortcomings? I have a long-time friend who’s been a classmate and barkada since elementary. We’re now graduating from high school and we’re still in the same barkada. We’re very good friends, and we know each other’s secrets. But I can’t seem to tell her some things that I don’t like about her. For example, she’s always late. When our group goes out somewhere, we always end up waiting for her. She also smokes, sometimes in front of us even if we don’t like it. She acquired this habit about a year ago from another group. And, when we go out on group dates, she has the habit of dressing provocatively and tries to get the attention of the boys. When she acts likes this, we try not to make a big fuss out of it, but it’s really annoying. We tried to talk to her, but we don’t know if she really listens. What should we do before the friendship turns sour?
A4
If you’ve already tried talking to her, maybe you should write her a strongly worded letter, not to give her an ultimatum, but to ask her to respect the feelings of the other members of your barkada. Let her know that you’re writing the letter precisely because you are her friend and want to remain so. But there’s a limit to everything, especially with relationships and before you reach that limit, you are giving her a chance to mend her ways. There is a real danger that the friendship might turn sour if she doesn’t realize that her actions offend you and the others. Sometimes, sacrificing in silence and letting it pass too many times would make the problem worse. When it becomes too upsetting, you yourself might just decide to give up without even giving her the chance to change. If you’re acting on your own, meaning without the group’s consent, make sure that when you write to her, you don’t involve anyone else. Write only about your specific misgivings and you can even mention specific situations where you were involved. If your group shares your feelings be sure that your letter doesn’t sound as if you’re ganging up on her. Be sympathetic but straightforward.
China
Pick the right time and the right place for you to talk. Encourage her to change if she wants the friendship to flourish. I’ve never been a fan of bull sessions since it usually ends up breaking friendships. Unfortunately, this tough-love style also does work wonders for those who are able to understand what the other person is saying. This is why I suggest that you should condition your mind to be careful about what you say before you have the discussion. Make a script if you have to, or prepare some talking points. Predict how she will react and have some prepared answers that are helpful – not agitating. Be caring, not confrontational. Creating an atmosphere where everyone is calm will be difficult, but this is the only way for you to talk to her where you will end up keeping the friendship.
Mai-Mai
If you’ve been friends since elementary and have been able to share secrets, I don’t see why you can’t talk to her about what’s making you uncomfortable. Putting myself in her shoes, I think I’d much prefer that one person talk to me than be challenged by the whole barkada. That would be too intimidating and I would take a defensive stance. Why don’t you plan a sleepover and then pop in a heart-to-heart talk? Who knows, she might be harboring some ill feelings towards you that she also needs to vent. There is no substitute to a genuine, heartfelt conversation between friends. While friends should accept each other’s faults and weaknesses, they also respect and help each other grow. Being late all the time is not respect. Neither is smoking in front of you especially if you’re not smokers yourselves. And getting the attention of the boys could either be a conscious or unconscious move on her part. She should however know you’re slighted when she does this. Letting her know your discomfort means you are giving her the opportunity to grow to change for the better. And taking the courage to corner and talk to her means you are really a friend.
Tingting
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