You then turn your attention to your companions for a minute or two, laughing and trying to look like you couldn’t care less about the crowd, then casually glance back at you-know-who. The cutie’s still looking, but you’re much too chicken to manage more than an awkward smile that makes you look like you just passed gas. You retreat to your former position behind some balding white guy. The tsope monster strikes again, and you end the evening slinking away without having made a single new connection that could have perhaps led to true love and eternal bliss. Shit.
Flirting is an art, but most of us can’t even draw a straight line, much less open a conversation with a good one. Consummate flirts make it look so easy, which probably explains why the rest of us resort to sour-graping and calling them names behind their back. But at the end of the day, we all wish we had even half their talent and a quarter of their gumption. How indeed to effortlessly play out the subtle nuances of this fine art, to draw the line between being overly forward and showing the slightest hint of interest? How do you give out that little bit of yourself without making yourself look like a slut, gigolo, or a 24-hour convenience store (i.e.: "bukas sa lahat ng oras"...something always gets lost in the translation).
Flirt Coach by Peta Heskell (Thorsons, 2001) promises to answer all these questions and more, since it claims to be all "about how to flirt first with yourself, and then with life, in such a way that people are drawn to you  irresistibly!" Intriguing prospect, hmm? But what appears to be a quick-fix Idiot’s Guide to Flirting (for Friendship, Love, and Professional Success, as the subtitle reads) is in fact a 30-day program (not counting the eternity it takes to get through the book, and the practical exercises after each chapter) on "Success Flirting," much like one of those new age self-renewal experiential guides. In this day and age of microsecond attention spans, this isn’t an easy read, the bubblegum pink cover notwithstanding. But for the desperate, er, hopelessly frustrated, here’s a rundown of Ms. Heskellí’s "invaluable" flirting tips, i.e., "Thirty Ways to a More Flirtatious You!":
1. Positively great surroundings. "Seek out sunshiners and stay away from black-clouders. Surround yourself with things that make you feel good, like quotes and pictures that motivate you and generate good feelings." A screensaver of Orlando Bloom/Penelope Cruz whispering, "I want you (insert your name)," may probably fit the bill.
2. Laughter, the best medicine. "Are you laughing enough? Find things that make you laugh." Keep a spliced tape of Erap’s stupendously stupefying Jose Velarde admission in your VCR; it’s guaranteed to keep you in stitches for many days to come.
3. Mirror, mirror. "Whenever you stand in front of the mirror ask yourself: ‘What’s true of me when I am at my best, absolutely?’" Umm, okay. Just make sure you’ve washed the "morning glory" out of your eyes and brushed your teeth before you do this.
4. Awaken in Paradise. "When you wake up in the morning, find time to answer the Wake-Up in Paradise questions." For example: "What am I happy/excited/proud/grateful about in my life now? Who do I love? Who loves me?" Who the heck has time to act this freaky in the morning?
5. A bountiful day. "Each day as you wake up, ask: ‘What wonders await me today?’ If life gets tough at any point during the day, ask: ‘What’s happening here?’ What have I got to learn? What next?’"
We’ll tell you what wonders await you today: the usual traffic jams, obnoxious drivers, bureaucratic red tape, idiotic political squabbles that affect us more than we know. What’s happening here? The rape of democracy, that’s what. What have you got to learn? It seems that after 16 years and two-and-a-half revolutions, no one’s learned anything yet. What next? Don’t even dare to ask. Now go back to no. 1 and start all over again.
6. Five-dimensional sensing. "As you go about your business, take in the world through each individual sense." Hang on...is this a flirting manual or the Celestine Prophecy?
7. The animal knows. "If you found an animal symbol or totem (to reflect your personality), spend time getting to know what your animal is like and discovering which of its qualities you need." So if you think you’re a cat, stretch out and purr when someone metaphorically rubs your tummy. If you’re a horse, gallop confidently through the day. And if you’re a lawyer, take heart in the fact that scum-sucking bottom-dwellers are animals, too (according to some scientific schools of thought).
8. Spicy variety. "Decide that each day you will do something in a different way. Take another route to work, change the order of your routine. Turn off the TV for a night and read." Be nice to traffic enforcers, incompetent sales ladies, and Argee Guevarra. On second thought, you can skip this section.
9. Diarize it. "Keep a journal. Spend five minutes or so just before you go to bed reviewing the day and writing down whatever comes to mind." But of course you already learned that from Oprah.
10. It is a great day. "And the end of each day, ask yourself: ‘What great things happened today?’" Wait just one goshdarned minute. This woman has gone from awaking in paradise straight through to quitting time...when the heck is she going to get down to the nitty-gritty of her so-called flirting basics?
11. Dream up the answers. "Before you go to sleep, ask yourself a question for which you sense you need an answer. It can be about anything in your life. Should I call that person? What’s my next career move?" Did I just waste P475 on this useless book?
12. The natural way to go. Sounds too much like a laxative commercial for comfort (pun unintended). But Ms. Heskell means that you should "stand somewhere in nature... and let your body relax slowly as you breathe and just sense the earth renewing you. Let all the problems and cares of the day sink out into the earth." It still sounds like a laxative commercial to me.
13. The gift of your smile. Finally, some constructive advice. "Start smiling at strangers. As you see people coming towards you, focus on them and think of how good you feel, and as they get closer, smile and say ‘Hi’ if you wish." But this culture, no matter how good you feel about yourself, smiling and saying "hi" to a complete stranger will either a) freak them out and send them running; b) freak their boyfriend/girlfriend out and send you running; or c) send you to the nearest mental institution.
14. The freedom of dancing. "Learn to dance a wild dance. It can be hula or ceroq or merengue, salsa, tango  anything, as long as it gets you to move and sway in a sexy way." Anything perhaps but the itik-itik, maglalatik or big-poppa-pump-hip-hop-whatever-you-call-it.
15. Check your voice. "If your voice needs work, do voice work exercises, and start to look for voice therapists." If all else fails, you can always fall back on body language, wink, wink... too bad the book doesn’t teach you how to do that.
16. Feed your passion. "Join a group that feeds your passion. If there isn’t one, start one. I just hope your passion doesn’t involve collecting toenail clippings, streaking through the streets at high noon, or genocide.
17. You are a sexual being. "Spend time enjoying your sexuality." The GP rating of this section of the paper prevents us from going any further.
18. Get connected. "Spend time connecting. Go to exhibitions and conferences and groups and learn and have fun. Approach strangers wantonly. In some of these places, you are all there with a common bond  it’s a chance to connect." Again with the strangers, and with wantons this time! This woman is even weirder than I thought.
19. Daydream your future. "Sit down quietly and as you relax, think of the life you want. This gets it into your body more and makes it a reality to your brain." And sometimes turns you into a total schizo.
20. The world is your playpen. "When you are in groups of people, take a few minutes to become an observer. Begin to notice the words the people use, their phrases, their rhythm, the movements. This sharpens up your senses and gives you material to work with." If you get really good at this, you could pursue a career in psychology...or become a gossip columnist.
21. Secret agent of signals. "When you are in social arenas, become an observer, a secret agent of signals. Watch what people do and the interactions between them." Supra.
22. It’s elemental  movement, that is. "To hone your flexibility, spend time moving in different elements. Try walking around in a fiery way, or in an airy way, or a slinky flowing way or a solid-rooted way. You will be surprised how much this helps you when you are approaching strangers." And since you’ve gotten so good at observing people, you’ll be surprised when you observe strangers slowly backing away from you with frightened looks in their eyes.
23. Learn, learn, learn. "Each day, promise yourself that you will do something towards learning something new and useful. What have you always wanted to learn?" For example, I’ve always wanted to learn how to be more discriminate in picking what books to read. Obviously, I haven’t learned much.
24. Ready to connect. "Have personal cards printed. Make them representative of you. Find a quote that represents you and print it underneath your name." Bet you guys already know what’s written on Argee’s cards...
25. Am I doing me? Sounds way too kinky. "Take some time to examine the work you do. Is it really you? If it is, great! If not, ask yourself: ‘What do I really, really want?’ and ‘What do I need to do to move?’ Start working on realizing your true working dream." I really, really want to be a gourmet chef working at a Michelin-awarded restaurant in the middle of the Amazon while being happily married to Hugh Jackman. Now tell me, Miss Smart-Ass Flirt Coach, how do I work towards realizing that?
26. Finding your style. "Does your external appearance reflect your true style? Do the colors you wear suit your skin tone?" Should Argee get rid of all the pink and orange shirts in his wardrobe?
27. Complimentingly great. "Spend time observing people and noting what you like about them. Give out at least one or two compliments a day." For example, "I really love that pink and orange shirt, Argee!"
28. Banish black clouds. "Be alert for black-clouders. Avoid negative energy. There are plenty of sunshiners out there." Amen, Pollyanna.
29. Love is all around. "If you are looking for love, start researching different avenues." Quezon Avenue, Makati Avenue, Ermita...
30. Exercise those muscles. You have a dirty mind. Exercise those flirting muscles, is what she means... if you built up any, that is, after all those tiresome nuggets of useless advice.