MANILA, Philippines - World War Z is out this week, and let’s face it: If the zombie apocalypse should descend upon us, not all of us are lucky enough to have Brad Pitt with a shotgun staving off the undead in the name of love. (Because really, if you do have that, you can totally just quit now, put this article to rest, and know that I kind of hate you.) But for the rest of us common folk, the following tips may be helpful in preparing for the moment the zombies bend their knees, pick up their feet, and lunge toward their next meal (that’s you, by the way):
1. Stock up on necessities.
The obvious choices are along the disaster relief vein: drinking water, food that’ll last (like canned tuna or possibly massive amounts of adobo), medicines, toiletries, batteries, flashlights, and the like. But there are also certain things that will no longer be available to you as the world collapses, so you may want to consider hoarding. Because while the end of the world may be nigh, the ladies know that there are few excuses for unruly brows. So go on with your bad selves, girls, hoard those brow pencils. And if The Walking Dead has taught us anything, it may do some good to throw in some SPF while you’re at it.
2. Do the ‘Hunger Games’ training regimen.
The Hunger Games bears some similarities to a real-life zombie apocalypse, in that you’re trying to keep everyone else from hitting the target on your back. (It’s just that the actual pulse of the one coming after you is highly negotiable.) Re-watch the movie and tell me that the following things are not useful in the face of a zombie attack: throwing knives with accuracy, using a bow and arrow, tossing boulders, learning how to sleep in trees, and using found objects in forests to camouflage your very human body. Also, this is the time for the starvation diet-inclined to shine, as limited supplies mean those who can function on the least fuel are most likely to survive. Learn from the best, kids.
3. Get on the treadmill.
Whether we gauge it on Outbreak Manila or World War Z, we’ll never really know how fast these zombies go or how strong they can be. I mean, what if they were Crossfit enthusiasts before they got all zombified? The best thing you can do to avoid being that walking/running dead’s lunchmeat is to learn how to outrun them. Also, the endorphins may help you forget that life as you know it is now over. (Oh, I’m sorry, is this not useful information?)
4. Assess all available weaponry.
According to the Green Light Anti-Zombie Squad or GLAZS, a group dedicated to educating the world on the impending zombie apocalypse, the machete is the most reliable weapon during these times. (And no, I don’t mean Gardo Versoza.) The machete is sharp and light, which means you don’t waste any time bearing down bulky weapons that take so much out of you and require a brief recoup period before you can smash another zombie head. But also, consider your girlfriend’s shoe collection and spot how many of those stilettos and heelless shoes look like they could kill a man. They probably could, and will most likely do in a pinch.
5. Begin the process of elimination.
This is the time that brings out the worst in people, and you are no exception. You have your friends, your loved ones, and that annoying co-worker who eavesdrops on all your personal calls. Make alliances with friends regarding your possible demise (don’t shoot me in the head,unless I try to bite you, but a nice cozy hole in the ground with lilies and my favorite shoes are acceptable), and begin considering which of the ones you know, if infected, you would actively try to save. If the machine hog from the gym is not one of them, I promise none of us will judge you. I mean, it’s all coming to an end anyway, y’alls. #keepitrill.
6. Hide the horse.
It’s one thing to have attachment issues to your pony, but also let’s re-watch The Walking Dead episode 1. If that’s not enough to scar you, consider that, as GLAZS brings up quite sensibly, if there is a zombie virus, what’s to say it can’t infect animals too? In which case, would you rather take on zombified humans or zombified house pets? Or even worse, zombified creatures of the wild, like lions or elephants? For this particular section, I ask you to reference the New Zealand horror movie classic Black Sheep. Werewolves, zombies, it’s all kind of potato potato. They all still have sharp teeth and aren’t afraid to use them, no matter how camp it all may appear.
7. YOLO like you’ve never YOLO’d before.
So this is really it, this is the last chance before that guy you like is trying to eat your brains or before Machu Picchu is crawling with half-dead entities. Break open the scotch, tell your horrible boss just what you think of him, get all the postponed I love yous to the necessary recipients, and have a dance party to last the ages. As a zombie, it may take several tries to die, but you only really live once. So pause all judgments, take full advantage, and face the inevitable, knowing you have what you need: all the basic necessities and absolutely no regrets.
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