Nelson Dy started as a chemical engineer and now pursues a career in industrial sales and marketing. He loves to read science fiction, mystery and religious books. He writes inspirational articles, some of which are compiled in his book, Finding Comfort, available at National Book Store. He is happily married to the former Lucy Cheng.
I have a confession to make.
I make it my life mission to encourage people to trust in God. Yet I harbor secret doubts about His goodness. My faith was shaken during those times when I pleaded with God for something, only to receive nothing. These were dire necessities, not vain prayers such as for riches or popularity. For instance, there was a time when I was unemployed for two depressing years. When I was summoned for an interview with a blue-chip company, and I thought God was finally answering my prayers, I begged Him to give me this job. I banished every shred of unbelief and claimed this job with 100-percent faith. I even had two pastors praying for me before heading off to the interview.
I didn’t get the job.
Severe disappointment rocked my faith. I found myself asking: Does prayer really work? Or is it really a cosmic lottery: Sometimes you win, oftentimes you lose? If God didn’t listen to the prayers of these two pastors, how would He answer mine? Therefore, what use is prayer and, by extension, what use is God? If God does whatever and whenever He pleases, how can I count on Him when I need Him badly? How can I love and serve a capricious God? Wouldn’t it be the height of disservice when I teach people to depend on God, knowing that He will let them down sooner or later? Does agnosticism make more sense, after all?
I would have abandoned the faith were it not for Philip Yancey. His books are food for thought during those seismic shocks of disappointment. In fact, the one that made the most impact on me is entitled just that: Disappointment with God. Since this book takes us on a panoramic tour of the Bible, with a lingering look at Job, space does not permit me to discuss what Yancey discovered. But I can tell you three ways his writing has yanked me, again and again, from the chasm of apostasy.
The first is emotional honesty. I was dreadfully afraid that my doubts were displeasing God and, if possible, wished to hide them from Him. But Yancey paints a picture of a God who welcomes His children barging into His presence with bitter but sincere questions. In fact, Disappointment with God tackles three of those questions no one asks aloud: Is God unfair? Is God silent? Is God hidden?
Reading this book, especially the chapters on Job, was liberating for me. I was able to pour out to God, in no uncertain terms and even with raging bitterness, how I felt He had failed me when I needed Him most. (Later, Yancey revisits Job in The Bible Jesus Read where he wrote, "Quite obviously, God prefers honest disagreement to dishonest submission.")
The second is stubborn faith. Yancey does not deny that sometimes life gives us ample reasons not to believe in God. Yet he insists that such is the faith God wants to develop in us. Saints of great faith "responded to God’s hiddenness not by demanding that He show Himself, but by going ahead and believing Him though He stayed hidden." Yancey even admitted that he sticks to God because the alternative of disappointment with God seems to be disappointment without God.
After being rejected by the company, I was sorely tempted to turn my back on God and walk away forever. But then I found myself staring at utter darkness and despair. This jolted me to go back to Him. Like the Apostle Peter, I prayed, "Lord, to whom shall I go [but to You alone]?" (John 6:68)
The third is shared suffering. The previous two points may have painted Christianity as being as fun as a grin-and-bear-it marriage. ("So God didn’t deliver again? Tough! But what other options do you have?") But Yancey balances it with an assurance that I am not alone in my pain. "Someone is there," he writes. "Someone is watching life as it unfolds on this planet. More, Someone is there who loves me." To which I add, someone who loves me with a passion.
In a previous work, Where is God When It Hurts?, Yancey answers the titular question in that God is not like a detached doctor handing us a bottle of painkillers. Rather, "He has been there in the beginning. He transforms pain, using it to teach and strengthen us, if we allow it to turn us towards Him. He has joined us. He has hurt and bled and cried and suffered. He has dignified for all time those who suffer by sharing their pain." Elsewhere, Yancey wrote, "Jesus gives God a face, and that face is streaked with tears."
I learned that this shared suffering is not only with a caring God, but also with caring people. In Finding God in Unexpected Places, Yancey would modify the question to "Where is the church when it hurts?" On the belief that the church is God’s people, God uses us as His lips, hands and feet to help the needy and comfort the grief-stricken. But what happens when you have been burnt by those who call themselves Christians? Yancey covers that in Church: Why Bother? and more broadly in What’s So Amazing About Grace?
I had the pleasure of meeting Philip Yancey not once, but twice when he was in Manila to launch his latest two books (Reaching Out for the Invisible God and Rumors from Another World). I have the autographed copies, a photo with him and his e-mail address as prized possessions.
But most important of all, Yancey’s greatest contribution to my personal faith is to make room for God’s mysteries. We need to accept that we will live through bewildering situations that seem to contradict His love and power. The tsumani disaster last December alone raised questions and there are only inadequate answers or perhaps none at all. We demand closure, only to find closure eluding us this side of heaven. Closer to home, we are staggered when hit by financial uncertainty, political instability, terminal illness, or marital discord. These are the times when we might find God maddeningly frustrating.
I am not as arrogantly dogmatic as I used to be. Like Yancey, I do not pretend to have all the answers. I cannot resolve every iota of doubt once and for all. In fact, the problem of pain continues to hound and haunt us. Because of this, I do not peddle formulas: If you do this or that, God will surely bless you and all your troubles will melt away. Rather, I believe that we love God for Who He is, not for what He can do for us.
Yancey also reads broadly. His bibliographies range from Augustine to Dostoyevsky to Covey. (One can only imagine his personal library!) He talks with a wide variety of people, watches movies and travels extensively. Then he ruminates on what he has observed and pens the Christian response. This teaches me to listen first to what people are saying and write according to their needs, rather than answer questions no one is asking.
While I do not copy Yancey’s style, I share his basic message: Yes, life is hard. But God is not life. God is still good. He will make everything right in the end. I didn’t get that job but God gave me a better one down the road. And He gave me a wonderful wife. I am truly blessed.
So keep the faith. It is not over. The best is yet to come.