I have a friend who says she’s given-up on relationships because she becomes a jealous witch. Every minute she is away from her lover, all kinds of stories bloom in her head, each one more elaborate than the last. Truth has nothing to do with it. Once the pictures are there, the hell begins. Even blinding proof of her silliness blossoms into a conspiracy theory. Nothing any of her lovers did could appease her. She accepts that the jealousy had everything to do with her and nothing to do with her lovers’ trustworthiness or lack of it. Until she finds the courage to face the source of her insecurity, she knows she cannot be comfortable with anyone. And so she remains blessedly single.
This brand of jealousy presumes possession. You feel like you own someone and that ownership grants you exclusive access and right to a person’s life. You dictate the people and events in their space. If an unknown element presents itself, you feel it to be an unacceptable intrusion; a hideous encroachment on your territory. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are. Once you’re in that zone, no amount of cajoling or explaining can get you out.
It is also an indicator of strong feelings of inadequacy. Someone new is in the space of your beloved and it threatens you. You’re afraid you can’t compete (it doesn’t matter that there is no competition)and the very thing you don’t have – looks, talent, compassion, passion, intelligence, wit, whatever it is – will cause the complete transfer and bestowal of your lover’s affections on that Other.
An enlightened male friend gave me a different view. He once prided himself in being lenient and understanding with his girlfriend. He didn’t mind if she came home late and partied with other people, sometimes other men. He felt he didn’t own her and that she was old enough to do what she wanted with her life. In hindsight, he realized he didn't really care about her. It wasn’t that he was so cosmopolitan and adult in his relationship after all. It was that he didn’t treasure her as much.
Recently, another friend recounted how she was at a small gathering with the man she was in love with and he had flirted openly with a friend. He was teasing and did it to see if he could get a rise out of her. She responded with a casual remark that was meant to parry the thrust. It was a game and she recognized it, but she couldn’t deny the sudden twinge in her heart. She was jealous. But because they were both in a good place in that love, she processed it in a minute and felt immediately grateful he was in her life.
I think that’s the softer side of jealousy. When you really care about someone, you want to be the most special thing in his life and when you feel that someone else is taking that place or, worse, creating a space in him you could never create, it burns. Maturity and security are irrelevant. It just hits. But that kind of jealousy–momentary, fleeting–is part of every relationship. When things are right between two people, jealousy manifests as a mild tug or pull that simply reminds you of how much you treasure the person in your life. Jealousy that consumes and turns the normally peaceful, gentle person into a pathological stalker should be examined and healed.
I suspect that jealousy is more prevalent in new relationships, when things are hot, heavy and feelings are heightened because you’re still in that space of no boundaries. You're both basking in the delusion of oneness and utter connectedness, so the idea of losing that or having someone take your place in it, is too much to bear. But later, when you’ve found your place in each other’s lives, jealousy loses its edges. It becomes a little bell that reminds you of what you have and, to a certain extent, how you should value it. It leaves you more appreciative of your mate; not angry.
Jealousy that is consuming, unappeasable and cradled in rage is a symptom of bigger wounds either in the relationship, or in any of the people in it. It is blinding, dark and often leads to folly. It has everything to do with the person who carries it and very little to do with anyone else. It has nothing to do with love.