Tuesday morning. I am at the office staring out the window at the rain. There is a storm so rain falls in sheets. Everything is covered with haze bringing with it much dimmer light. The sun must be asleep, I think, snoring under a comforter through this weather. Our people straggle into the office carrying umbrellas that drip heavily over our linoleum floor, nevertheless everybody is present. Out on the sixth floor ledge two wet brown birds nestle looking out dolefully. I love this weather. Once upon a time when I was young I found rain so romantic. Now it is just something to stare at, something that makes me feel somewhat cozy and nostalgic.
There is a mood the rain brings me. Everything is wet outdoors but indoors I feel dry and peaceful. My neighbor in the next building looks out of his window at the rain. I am tempted to gesture and ask if they might fix their office. It has a floor-to-ceiling glass wall against which they have set their filing cabinets and tons and tons of extra files piled haphazardly on top of each other, making them an unpleasant sight from my desk. See I don’t believe in curtains or blinds because we make jewelry. Natural light is best for our craft so we clearly see all their clutter. But he doesn’t know that.
I look away from the mess to the view from the other window in front of me, at treetops of big lush trees that grow in the residential area across the way. They look wonderful in the haze. The sun has awakened enough now to show me different shades of green, fresh shoots on an old tree with dark green leaves. I imagine the sun wearing pajamas and staring out his window drinking a steaming cup of coffee. I must be going crazy or getting childish. Or maybe I’m starting my mother’s Alzheimer’s disease. I feel lackadaisical today. It’s the stormy weather that does these strange things.
Wednesday I take the day off. I have taken three days off to give me time to get myself ready for my first jewelry exhibit, very important to me. I have been working on this after hours with my own hands so I am particularly tense. It is still raining. The streets are wet. What am I supposed to do? I wish I had a friend to laugh with through all these little details I still have to do — earrings, computations, wrapping. That would be great, someone I could be silly with. I could use some laughter in my life. That would make me much less tense.
I decide to take a break and shop. I need to look for something to wear on Friday, to the Victoria Court fashion show where I have a role. I will introduce my jewelry and I have nothing to wear. As we pull up in front of a department store a huge car parked there bumps my car lightly. I think the fool driver was texting someone. I get upset so I walk away leaving my driver to settle this inconvenience. I walk around looking for a simple longish black top preferably with an uneven hem.
I see one item with potential but it costs P20,000. Why does it cost so much? Why should I spend that much on clothes? Please! I walk out and around the mall until my bad temper passes. Then I venture back to my car. I cannot even see the bump so I decide to forget it. It’s raining hard. I’m going home. I will wear something old to the event and just trim it with the last fabulous piece of jewelry I did for my class.
These days I am tired of making jewelry. By the time you read this it will be Saturday, the day after the show. I will probably be half-dead from exhaustion. I have made 18 sets of jewelry with my own hands, which now hurt from so much cutting of wires and twisting and turning but right now I’m between everything. I flutter between being tense and then being lazy, having sudden bursts of energy then wanting to curl up in bed and watch TV. My mind, my body, my mood are in three different places, swirling around in the wind and the rain.
At 8:30 tonight I realize I will miss my deadline if I don’t write. But what will I write about when all week it’s been about stones, beads, silver, boxes, ribbons and even feathers? Please remember on Friday night is when I make my debut as a jewelry designer at the 25th anniversary of the Victoria Court and these days I feel that I might just have a nervous breakdown. So, be kind and patient when you read this, please.
It is raining. It is storming. And I am in the same state.
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