‘Is my wife telling me to have an affair so she can have hers, too?’

DEAR EPPY,

I first met my wife when the firm she worked for did business with the firm I was with.   We married after a year and a half.  Shortly after we got married, the relationship between her and the firm I was with turned sour, prompting me to resign from my senior position in the firm.  I went on my own, struggling in the first two years.  During those hard times, my wife often said — half seriously — that she had brought bad luck upon my otherwise promising career. 

Just when my consulting practice was picking up, bad luck befell me again.  About this time, a certain executive was getting much exposure in media because he had just been promoted to executive vice president of one of the top 10 corporations in the country.  He was featured in your paper (Philippine STAR).  He was featured on TV, to which my wife remarked, “He has come a long way.”  When I asked if she knew him personally, she said, “He courted me when he was only a new hire in that company, two years before I met you.  I was beginning to like him when he just dropped out of sight.  I learned from mutual friends that he decided to discontinue his courtship because his personal circumstances then were too humble to be worthy of me.  Now he is No. 2 in one of the biggest corporations in the country.  I wonder if he regrets ceasing his courtship of me.” 

Lately, my wife has been telling me that because of the bad luck she has brought upon me, she would not take it against me if I looked for someone else to replace her.  One night, when we were about to make love, she suggested that we think of someone else, saying, “To add spice to the engagement, as a magazine article advised.”  The suggestion came as a shock, it was like her telling me adultery is okay if it is only mental.  But to me, mental adultery opens the door to real adultery.  Anyway, I went along with her suggestion — to gauge how intense she was making love with someone else in her mind.  She was more intense that night. 

 My wife telling me to have an affair so frequently these past days prompted me to ask, “Why do you keep on telling me to have an affair? So you can have yours?  Why?  Has your ex been nagging you to get together now that his status in society has risen?  But you want me to do it first so that when you do it and you are caught, you can say you were just hitting back at me.”  Her face turned cherry red and she looked unsettled after that.  Did I guess right?  

  BETRAYED HUSBAND

DEAR BETRAYED HUSBAND,

The problem with the human mind is that you can never really tell what goes on inside one’s skull.  Your story about your wife gives me a sense of her disappointment at herself than a sense of betrayal.  She seems to be blaming herself for your misfortune.  She may be blaming herself for not being the person to facilitate your success.  Instead, because of her, you have sacrificed your profession and career.  Her face may have turned cherry red because you have hit the most painful issue.  You may also be right that she thought of what you were thinking.  However, this is not consistent with her other responses.

Don’t take it against her.  She may be feeling really bad about your life and wants to compensate for it.  Her responses resemble the responses of those with depression.  Right now, she might just be sacrificing her own happiness just so you can be happy. 

If I were you, continue loving your wife.  She may need you emotionally now more than ever.  Don’t entertain your “suspicions” against your wife as this will only destroy your relationship with her.  In your letter to me, the conclusion seems to say that your wife is or will be betraying you.  Yet, your letter tells me and my readers about your history of few successes and your overwhelming failures.  This shouldn’t be part of your story if you wanted to prove your wife’s betrayal.  Stories of betrayal are different.  Your story is about what you have failed to become.  Your story is about your guilt of failure. 

Now, you think your wife is thinking about your failures when it is you making your failures bigger than what they really are.  Consequently, you have justified accusing your wife of betrayal when it is you who think that your wife should betray you because you are no longer that guy who is the EVP of a big corporation.  Therefore, you feel guilty that she may want someone else because “you think” that “she thinks” you are not man enough to be her husband.

You should take more credit than that, Mr. Betrayed Husband.  You have done a good job being a husband.  You have sacrificed a top position in your younger years just to be with the woman you truly love.  You are not a person to be betrayed, you are a person to be loved and admired.  You have stayed on faithfully with your wife (I assume).  This may be the reason why your wife said she was bad luck to you.  She feels she might have caused your downfall and it’s all her fault.  Any woman will be a sucker for a man who will leave his dream just to be with his beloved partner.  I’m sure any woman reading this will be in tears at this moment,  wishing they had a husband like you.

Enjoy the sex with your wife.  She is doing her very best to make you happy.  She is just finding ways to make sex interesting for the two of you.  Women will benefit fantasizing about other partners while having sex with their husbands, but men won’t benefit the same way because women are wired differently from men. 

My article entitled “Is it normal for a married woman to fantasize having sex with another man?” (STAR, March 25, 2014) points out that married women will have sexual fantasies with other men while indulging in sex with their husbands.  This is normal and it helps married women be more interested in sexual encounters with their husbands. 

Take care of your self-esteem as this will cause the break-up of your relationship, not the betrayal of your wife.  You might actually be killing her emotionally because of your self-esteem issues, resulting in your suspiciousness.  She is already feeling bad about herself, don’t add to it.     EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.

(Author’s note: Those interested in joining the support group for addiction and the support group for battered women may call 09476574487 or e-mail surrogathelfen@gmail.com.)