DEAR EPPY,
I am 65 years old, happily married for 35 years to an only wife, and a father of three adults who have lives of their own now. Up to our late 40s, my wife and I made love at least once a week. We also did so during our birthdays and wedding anniversary. Our sex life was exciting and uninhibited. We agreed early on that we would be sexually active for as long as we could. That stopped when my wife suffered an aberration in her organ that made sex painful for her. Even oral sex was difficult for her.
With the cessation of our sexual activity, I resorted to jacking off to release my load. I feel very uncomfortable whenever my piece gets heavy. I could have engaged, but did not, in extramarital affairs although the opportunity presented itself many times. The company I work in is full of girls with bad habits, but I have managed to resist the temptation. I want to be faithful to my marital vows and not hurt my wife.
When she’s not home, I surf the Net for adult movies to arouse myself. I always end up jacking off. I feel good after that. I do not have any guilt feelings about what I am doing because I think I’m not hurting anybody and it’s just between me and my hand. Is there something wrong with me?
Faithful husband
DEAR FAITHFUL HUSBAND,
Thank you for reading The Philippine STAR and my column. Most importantly, I appreciate your letter and want to thank you for stepping up and showing the Filipino population, especially the female Filipino population, that a woman can depend on a man to love her without being betrayed. It is rare to find a man who can actually love a woman, respect her, and in the process respect himself. I’m sure this article will make the female population hopeful about relating with men. If there is one man, like you, who can be loyal, then for sure there are many more. Now, younger men will be able to model after men like you who know how to love while keeping their morals and integrity intact.
Now, in reference to your concern, psychologically and medically, there is nothing wrong with masturbating; therefore, there is nothing wrong with you. In an article entitled Sexual activity, health and well-being — the beneficial roles of coitus and masturbation by Roy J. Levin, published by Sexual and Relationship Therapy (2007), masturbation is considered healthy. In another article by Matt Bean, published by Men’s Health (2004), entitled Cancer-proof your prostate, a study with its results was presented and it shows that men who masturbated about five or more times in a week were less likely to develop prostate cancer by the age of 70 years.
Masturbation, in your case, is a form of mechanism that helps you cope with the situation in your married life. Yet, I have to say, that you must look at the bigger picture. As you said, “… I think I’m not hurting anybody and it’s just between me and my hand.†True it’s between you and your hands. But for me, that’s precisely the problem, it is ONLY between you and your hands and no one else. Where does that put your wife? Not anywhere between you and your hands. This means distance between you and your wife. You and your wife must have a relationship. Part of relating is communicating. Now, your partner is your hand, not your wife.
It was mentioned in an article about self-esteem and communication (global self-esteem and sexual self-esteem as predictors of sexual communication in intimate relationships, by Oates and Offman, published in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality) that the more couples relate, it is expected that communication becomes deeper between two people. This, in turn, leads the couple into talking about sexual matters, allowing them to talk about their sexual needs and preferences. This article also points out that greater general communication and sexual communication lead to greater relationship and sexual satisfaction.
What does this say about your situation? It is quite obvious to me that there is already a problem with your relationship. Without knowing it, the medical problem of your wife has caused the two of you to drift apart. In time, the two of you will notice that there is a relationship problem and the two of you might resent one another.
It is important that the two of you address this problem before it becomes worse. Although you have presented masturbation as a topic of concern, for me it is not “the topic of concern.†Rather, the topic of masturbation became a tool for me in identifying that you and your wife have a problem. Therefore, the “topic of concern†is your relationship with your wife.
I suggest that you and your wife talk. If this is difficult for the two of you, I suggest that you seek out the help of professionals. Go back to your wife’s doctor or get a second opinion about her condition. You did not mention what the problem is, therefore, I cannot say anything about it. Also seek the help of a psychotherapist or a sex therapist. There are many ways of indulging in sex without sexual intercourse. You need not wait for her to get out of the house for you to masturbate. Talk to her about how you derive pleasure in masturbation and searching for websites that have adult videos. In other words, by all means, include your wife in your sexual activities, which includes masturbation. You shouldn’t feel alone on this and neither should your wife feel that she is not part of your sexual life. She should also have a sexual life even if her condition prevents her from having sexual intercourse. The two of you will just drift apart and live empty lives if you don’t address this problem. I would like to remind you that earlier on in your relationship, you and your wife agreed to always have an active sexual life. Follow up on that agreement.
Note: For readers with certain religious and moral inclinations, I would like to specifically point out that my response comes from the perspective of psychological issues. Moral and religious issues are not part of my response.
EPPY
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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.