DEAR EPPY,
I’m in a relationship right now with a guy who was a classmate in college. We’ve been lovers for one year now. I didn’t expect that we would be intimate. Our sexual interaction is limited to manual stimulation. We don’t engage in intercourse. I never thought we would click as partners because we are extremely different from each other. He’s timid and I’m outspoken.
I am ashamed to say this, but I am the more aggressive one in this relationship. I was the one finding ways for us to be close. I love him and I think that he loves me more.
But my question is, are we committing a sin? Should I feel sorry and shameful for myself because I’m the one who made sure that we would be close? I am even the one who initiated the sexual interaction. The fact that I’m the girl in this relationship makes me feel so ashamed of myself.
Then I have this other problem. I am attracted to other men when this partner of mine is not around. You see, I don’t get to see my partner often in a week because he works far from my office. I sometimes feel guilty because I believe that when you feel attracted to other men, it’s as good as cheating on your partner. Is that the right way of being in a relationship?
How I wish I could receive answers from you, Eppy! If you answer my questions, I would like to thank you in advance because it is so important to me! God bless you and may you continue to help others understand themselves. Like me, I know there are others who don’t understand themselves. I appreciate your column a lot because the people who write you seem to have the same dilemma as mine. You understand them without judging them. I already feel as though someone understands me without judging me. This is what makes me feel brave to write you.
JELLY
DEAR JELLY,
Let me summarize your concerns: 1) You are in a situation where you have a relationship with someone and you are asking if I think it is sinful for you to have sexual interactions with him; 2) You want to know if you should be ashamed of yourself because you are more sexually aggressive than your partner, especially so because you are a girl; and 3) You feel guilty that you are attracted to other men and it is considered cheating because you are in a relationship.
I have mentioned the word “guilt” in the past. When I use the word “guilt,” I do not refer to the concept of guilt in legal parlance. When I say “guilt” I refer to the psychological concept. It is an experience that makes a person feel that he/she should have done something, but did not do so (or has not done yet); feel that she or he should not have done something, but did so; feel that he or she should be a certain way, but is not; and feel that she or he should not be a certain way, but is.
Wikipedia defines guilt as, “a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes — accurately or not — that he/she has compromised his/her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.” Adam Frank from the University of British Columbia, in his article “Some Affective Bases for Guilt: Tomkins, Freud, Object Relations,” explains that, “…guilt names several distinct feelings that have tended to be collapsed together: the core effect of shame when interpreted in a specifically moral field, a punitive contempt directed toward the self, and a feeling often following on anger and violence that accompanies an intention to atone or repair that which has been damaged.”
I elaborated on the word “guilt” because I noticed that all your concerns relate to the experience describing the psychological concept of “guilt.” Your first concern refers to guilt because you have done something that you feel you should not have done, but did. To take away your guilt, you needed someone to tell you that you did no wrong. By asking me if it were a sin for you to sexually interact with your partner, it is implied that you were aware that your belief (religious) judges such act as sinful. Thus, you have judged yourself but want someone to judge you as not “sinning” with the intention of taking away the experience of guilt.
I cannot be your judge, so I cannot give an answer to this concern. However, I can give you feedback on how you think. There is an internal battle. One side is your basic instinct of deriving pleasure. On the other side, your morals wanting to overpower your desire for pleasure. Apparently, your morality is not strong enough to overpower your innate need to derive pleasure.
There’s a possibility that significant people in your life during your growing years were ambivalent in instilling their morals in you. You may be either of the following: the favorite of one of your parents, an only girl or child, the oldest or the youngest. One of these may be the reason that made your caregivers become lax in imposing morals on you. Consequently, the intensity of your morals is not strong enough to stop you from acting on your sexual impulse.
The second concern is also about guilt, but it is a different form of guilt. It is guilt experienced as shame. This guilt is about feeling that you should be in a certain way, but are not. You think that “being a girl” means having to be the prey and not the predator. Therefore, actively pursuing a man is not the way to be.
Consider that there are different kinds of men and different kinds of women. Amelia Earhart did not live out “a conventional female life.” She was an American female pilot during the early 1900s. She was the first female pilot to fly solo across the Atlantic. She was a bold woman who does not recognize limitations. In the Philippines, Gabriela Silang, during the 1700s, was a brave Filipina who did not recognize her limitations. You may have the same spirit as these two women, but at the moment are focusing on sexual and romantic pursuits. Your actions defy the differences of sexes.
There is nothing wrong with being assertive, even for a woman. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and knowing how to get what you want. The trick is knowing how to use this to your advantage instead of using it to your disadvantage.
Your partner is a man seemingly willing to be equal to a woman. There are men preferring to aggressively seek out women. That is the norm. But there are also men preferring to wait till a woman comes around to get them. They are more passive than active. There is nothing wrong with this. Your partner, being the way he is, affirms the way you are as a woman and as a person. The two of you complement each other. There is nothing to be ashamed about how you are as a woman. I hope that one day the energy you put in your sexual and romantic pursuits be distributed to other productive pursuits, such as business or the arts.
Your third concern is about being attracted to other men. Your attraction to other men is a natural thing for every woman. Other women will not admit that they actually get attracted to other men aside from their partner, but believe me, they do. The way you “act on” this attraction is what is important. Acting on your feelings of attraction by connecting with these men is different from just feeling the attraction. If you find another man attractive, acknowledge it, but think of your partner and appreciate the person that he is. Doing this will diminish the experience of attraction to other men.
Choose the kind of person you’d like to be. Would it be acceptable to you that you are a woman who hurts her partner? Would it be acceptable to you that you are a woman who treats men like an object? Would it be acceptable to you that you are a woman unworthy of trust? Would it be acceptable to you that you are a woman who likes to feel free to do whatever she wants no matter who she hurts? The answers to these questions will help you decide on how to act on your feelings. It is unnecessary to question your feelings or your internal experiences because these experiences are valid. It is more important to think about what to do next after you become aware of those feelings. EPPY
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E-mail: eppygochangco@gmail.com.