Many people lead miserable lives because they are stuck in relationships that make them feel used, abused, unloved, and unhappy. As days pass by, they become more drowned in sadness, bitterness, and loneliness. They wallow in self-pity, become further withdrawn, and their self-esteem plummets to piteous depths. A lot of people don’t know how to tell when it is time to say goodbye. They don’t call it quits even though the relationship is going nowhere, and sticking to it does them more harm than good. They cling on to memories of the past ("Oh, we had great moments together!") and can’t face the feeling of being separated or, to put it more bluntly, rejected ("What would my friends and family say?"). Many are scared to leave a bad relationship because they’re afraid of being alone and don’t have enough confidence in their ability to survive and find another love. Ending a relationship is never easy; it always hurts especially for the one being abused, dumped or rejected. But when staying in it causes more pain than joy, it is time to take a decisive stance. Make your mind up when enough is enough. The exhilarating freedom will be well worth it once you are released from the excruciating prison of an unhealthy relationship.
| Evaluate The Relationship |
To analyze and fairly evaluate a relationship is difficult especially when your judgment is greatly muddled by your emotions. To be able to determine whether the relationship is beneficial or detrimental to you, try to detach yourself from your ego with all its biases and prejudices. Make a list of two columns with the headings: positive aspects of the relationship, and negative aspects of the relationship. Also include the characteristics and attributes you like about your partner (under positive aspects), and qualities and attributes you don’t like about him/her (under negative aspects). Compare which list is longer and see if you benefit more or lose from the relationship. Seeing a written list makes it easier for you to say goodbye in case the negative aspects outweigh the positive. Answer the following important questions as objectively as possible:
• Is this relationship worth the work and pain I suffer to maintain it?
• Does he/she make me feel good about myself when we are together? Do I like who I am when I’m with him/her?
• Is this relationship affecting my health and well-being? Is it decreasing my effectiveness at work and disintegrating my self-worth?
• Am I receiving as much as I give? Am I getting my fair share of love and material benefits?
• Can I deeply trust him/her or am I constantly suspicious and doubtful?
• Am I holding on to the relationship out of habit and emotion-blinded memories of the past?
• Do we still properly communicate or have we drifted too far apart that the distance is hard to bridge?
• Do I still feel love in this relationship?
• Is this relationship causing me pain, heartache, and insecurity?
• Should I stay or shall I go?
After evaluating your relationship, look for these signs which indicate that sooner or later you will have to end it:
• You are being physically, verbally, and/or emotionally abused to a point that you can no longer tolerate.
• He/she says things like, "I need some space; I need more time to think," "It’s not you, it’s me," or avoids you completely.
• You are giving more and feel that you are being shortchanged; your physical and emotional needs are not being met.
• You have given him/her many chances, yet the situation and how he/she is remain the same.
• Talking to him/her is like talking to a wall. It’s useless because he/she just won’t listen.
• You’ve changed many of your core values to adjust to his/hers, hoping he/she would change but hasn’t.
• You have a growing feeling of frustration, inadequacy, and emptiness.
• You can feel your health and well-being declining.
• You have become withdrawn and have distanced yourself from close friends and members of your family.
• You feel despair and self-pity, and see no hope in the relationship.
| Three Golden Grains Of Advice |
Finally, here are three golden grains of advice to always keep in mind: When someone makes you feel ugly and unneeded, say goodbye to him/her immediately; learn to say goodbye to someone or something that has said goodbye to you; and, close the chapter and open a new one!
To inquire about the author’s summer seminars, "Make Your Impossible Dreams Come True!" and "You Can Be More Beautiful and Photogenic!," e-mail deroseminar@yahoo.com or text 0905-3130990.