I have decided to run a reprint of this article because of numerous readers who’ve requested for copies. Hope you’ll enjoy it ...
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.– Proverbs 12:18
I have decided to do a series on the power of the tongue because I feel that it is important for people, most especially parents, to consider what comes out of our mouths. The tongue, as small as it is, can cause death and other times if used with much thought and compassion can bring life to wounded soul. I was also inspired to write this after being crushed upon getting a negative response from a caregiver when I asked about one of her wards. I was excited to find out how the sister of her ward was doing. She (whom I will call Nancy to protect her identity) was my son’s classmate at a playclass and seeing her sister play with my youngest daughter Hanna made me imagine how big Nancy must be now. To my sadness, the yaya’s response was, "Ay, maldita yon." I couldn’t help but react. I wanted to ignore that kind of comment but I felt hurt for Nancy, someone I also grew fond of and whom I know may have tantrums but am aware that they are due to her needing extra love and attention. I realized this when I advised her mom to buy her stuff for painting after we both saw how fascinated Nancy was when she created a beautiful work with her hands. To my amazement, the mother seemed puzzled, instead of glad, that her daughter was artistically inclined. "Isn’t that great that she loves to paint!" I said. "Yeah, but she’ll dirty the walls," was all she could say. I told the yaya that she shouldn’t lightly let off words like that because it is not helpful. She responded by saying, "Pero pati Daddy niya, yan ang tawag sa kanya." I told her it was wrong to do so and she even agreed with me that Nancy needed extra love and attention.
Even the yaya herself knew love and attention but still, she manages to let off a careless comment because the constant reminder has programmed her to believe the same thing. That branding may be believed by the child and when constantly told to her may cause her to live up to the grown-up’s expectation of her. How could something good come out from her if she is constantly bombarded by the fact that she is no good?
I know that I myself am also guilty of uttering careless words. I know, for sure, especially when something I constantly let out becomes an expression of my children. That’s why this article is also a good reminder for me. The word reckless means "careless, heedless, not regarding consequences; headlong and irresponsible; rash." I remember having been a victim of a reckless comment which drove me really mad. Once (when I was two years into my marriage), I was approached by a man who held my tummy and said, "Ay, hindi ka pa nabubuntis? Siguro, baog ka!" What harsh words. I got really mad and dismissed him by saying that his comment was not true at all. I guess my anger didn’t help either because I remember having been blessed with a child only after my Ninang Coney Reyes inquired if I had any unforgiveness in my heart regarding not having been able to conceive. I remembered that incident and surrendered my hurt to God and asked for forgiveness for keeping a grudge against that man. A few weeks after that, I was pregnant with child! You see how it works? You get a deadly comment, then it strikes you or drives you to anger then it gets a grip on you and then it cripples you until you let go and allow life-words to change the scenario. Nowadays, people still make unkindly remarks about my being pregnant every year. I still get offended sometimes but in my heart, since I know that they are coming from concerned hearts because it is not a joke to raise a family these days, I find refuge in knowing that children are a blessing from the Lord and that there is no need to be defensive or mad about such comments.
Another source of irresponsible speech is when we say exaggerated comments (Ouch! my husband always reminds me of this.) In his book Tongue in Check, Joseph Stowell writes: "Exaggeration is nothing more than lying about detail to make information more sensational, interesting or manipulative." "Exaggeration erodes trust and credibility, to building blocks of successful relationships." I often get into this trap when I tell stories and get into it with much gusto that I end up making people laugh or convincing people about something but realizing later that I twisted the truth a little bit (and have allowed my pagka-showbiz to get the best of me) to get such a positive and well-received response from my audience. It’s a hard habit to break but the more I am reminded about it, the more aware I am not to get into it over and over again. It also helps for me (even if it is super embarrassing to go back to the people I’ve made the exaggerated story to and acknowledge my "sin."
Flattery is often used to elevate persons whom we feel are indebted to us in order to make them feel good about themselves. I know that I only flatter my maids when I find something nice about their attitude or their work after I have been hard on them (and get guilty afterwards especially when I lose my temper) on something. I know that even if they receive such flattering remarks, it doesn’t really warm their hearts because flattery does not come from a genuine motive but actually to put one’s self in a situation in which the favor of the one being flattered is transferred to the person giving it. It is used for personal gain and manipulation.
Usually, when people come across someone who has gone through a death in the family, we are caught by surprise as to what to say. Then careless comments come out from our lips. Such as: "Oh, it will all be okay. Anyway, she’s going to heaven," or things like "Just deal with the pain, sige, ilabas mo. Huwag kang matakot umiyak," etc. I was told that the best way to deal with the situation is to keep quiet but let the grieving person know that we are available if she/he needs a friend to listen. They don’t need to be lectured on how to best deal with the death of a loved one. They just need to know that they can turn to someone when they are ready to pour out their hearts. This usually happens a few days after the funeral when all have left and the emptiness all of a sudden becomes real.
So how, you ask, are we suppose to manage our small but powerful tongue? Well, if habits are formed by constant practice, then we must do the same for the right things. We can change our thought process by allowing others to speak to us and change us. In my case, oftentimes, I would rather get feisty when my husband reminds me of a careless uttering but I allow him to remind me I’m wrong. I know that they are life-words, when taken in a good light they may benefit me. Even if they are words that hurt, because they are coming from a heart of concern and genuine care, they end up healing the person being told. Such words allow me to apologize to the person I have wronged and ask my Father in Heaven, most of all, for forgiveness and choose to do right next time. Some life-words that are worth keeping in mind and practice are: "A good man thinks before he speaks. The evil man pours out his evil words without a thought." (Proverbs 15:28) and The Bible also says, "The heart of the righteous weighs its answers." All the best and may you give life to someone today!