It’s been the quandary of every generic narcissistic post-modern Facebooker: When do you go public when you’re in a relationship? Yes, we’re all at that age when relationships become public property. When you were younger you had to lie until your teeth bled because it meant draconian curfews and rules more befitting a lockdown convent than a high school. Now that you’re older there are new factors that come in: vigilante friends; what if the relationship deflates far too soon; and of course, questions from family, friends and frenemies. It can get quite stressful. Let’s not forget the warm and fuzzy “When are you both getting married?” question that just brings fresh couples so much closer together. Die.
As big as my mouth is when I talk about myself, I am quite the black hole when it comes to the personal matters of others. Thus I have always been the recipient of many of my friend’s secret liaisons. They are not married, they are not drug addicts, they are not pedophiles, they are normal people. Then why the fuss, you may ask?
Well, as I said earlier, when you decide to display your private affairs you have to be sure that in Manila-land, your business is everyone’s business. So after many hours of helping secret couples stay coupled, I was inspired with a solution that will unburden me of this rather demanding task of being “the beard.”
To go public as a couple, let’s follow the basic tenets of doing an IPO:
1. Make sure it’s a viable business that can be listed on the stock market.
Before Tim Yap can call you an “it” couple in his column, make sure your relationship has legs. One, be honest with yourself. Does he call you during decent hours or is it mostly booty calls? An FB dos not a romance make — more like a roam-ance. Do you have conversations, and not just make odd animal sounds? Do you see each other in increments of six months, one year and so on? Have you made plans that move past Starbucks or drinks at Distillery? Do you know each other’s friends? Do you even like each other? Mutually?
I had a friend who changed her relationship status to “in a relationship” while the guy stayed “single.” As they say in Facebook, “It’s complicated.” Also don’t be too quick to make out in public events only to break up the following week. The questions can last longer than the relationship. Baby steps.
2. The business has to have growth prospects and be attractive to investors.
We’re all old. We can’t screw around anymore. We know what we want. No more dog sniffing. We all have solid deal breakers and yes, the bad boy should really be passé by now. I’m not talking about marriage, but if you are going to spend a considerable amount of time with someone, you should at the very least know you’re past being Romeo and Juliet. You’re closer to dying, to put it morbidly, so make each second count.
No more star-crossed romancing. Things need to make sense. You need to be able to know you can be together and not fear an honor killing. If that’s the case, please don’t even consider going public and stay in your cave of lies. It may sound prosaic but to be solid you need solid foundations: no lethal cultural differences, same lifestyle choices, both single (very underrated, I find), both on the same damn page and neither on the most wanted list. You both need to complement each other’s lives. You need to have the ability to grow as a couple and not be a pair of hoodlums like Sid and Nancy.
Be inspiring and not a cautionary tale.
3. You need a financial adviser and underwriter.
In love, those roles are redefined as liaison and liar. Before going public you must have some people who have your back as you and your beloved try to figure out if you’re just a fling or actually something. Going public too early causes too much stress and causes lovebirds to implode. I have been both for many couples over the past few years. Being a beard can be fun, as vexing as it may be. You get to eat for free and sometimes even join them on vacation.
4. Focus on book building and visiting potential investors.
Undercover romances need some history before you can sell them. So this is the time you do covert trips to the beach and whatever for some “exclusive time” (some sleazy term many spas use to market couple treatments). You also use this time to test out the waters to your investors and your “black hole” friends. After all, they will be the ones who will have to listen to you bitch and moan when you go public and have actual couple problems. They will tell you if this works. Anything that happens within the bubble can lack consequence. There is still an element of temerity when you’re undercover because no one is watching. So best to make sure. This is the last time you can question it, bitch.
5. Secure regulatory approvals.
Make sure your parents like him or her. Cannot stress the importance of this regardless of your parents’ role in your life. Parental issues can bleed into surprisingly unrelated things. Such as Bush all over the US. (That was a major “daddy issue” disaster.) Believe me, when you start fighting as a public couple with no parental thumbs up, you will start fighting over the dumbest things because the resentment of being a mommy no-no is the proverbial pink elephant with ant issues.
6. Public offering.
Yes, you’ve made it. Now change your Facebook status and add that cheesy heart. There’s no better place to go public than in Facebook Land… Tag photos of you and your significant other (no professional shots please, unless you’re getting married or are a photographer) and hopefully, your stock will rise. Resist the urge to make your profile photo of you and your man making out, though. I’ve seen it to be an omen of Bear rallying.