Model L.A. Aguinaldo has the Midas Touch.
When I interviewed the Axe Gold Man winner in his swanky katas ng Axe Gold contest condominium unit in Bonifacio Global City, I was hoping that some of his katas would rub off on me, but I was prevented from further contact by his bouncers.
L.A. is a man oozing with so much confidence that the Franken-scientists at Axe plan to dismember him, extract his sweat glands and synthesize it for their next Axe fragrance.
During our interview, L.A. revealed his secret to becoming an Axe Gold Man, a title he carries with much pride, next to his title “Certified Candy Cutie of 2014.” Given both accolades, we must ask him questions of consequence.
RJ LEDESMA: How do you earn the title “Certified Candy Cutie”? The diabetic Dirty Old Men (DOMs) who follow my column are dying to know.
L.A. AGUINALDO: When you’re a candy cutie, it’s like the girls swoon all over you! (Laughs) Even for the smallest things, like when you flip your hair and the girls all go like “Aaaaahhh!” Or if you wear a white shirt, they go crazy.
Baka naman see-through white shirt mo. What type of gayuma do you use?
(Laughs) No, no, no. I think maybe it’s how I’m like when I’m around the girls. It’s how I appeal to them.
(DOM representative: Paamoy nga ng kili-kili mo, hijo.)
How has your life changed since you became the Axe Gold Man? Have your parents given you a later curfew? Have you gained more followers on Twitter? Have your testicles increased in diameter?
I’m not sure about the size of my testicles, but my Twitter following exploded! And more people recognize me when I walk down the street. People know me by my hashtag. They’re like “Are you GoldMan LA?”
Quite impressive. My wife likes to call me GoldMember RJ.
I went to Sinulog and Dinagyang and even there people recognized me!
What do the ladies do when they recognize you? Do they start sniffing around your culturally permissible erogenous zones?
No naman. They just hug me and sometimes they ask me for a kiss.
Do you indulge them?
No, no, no.
Why, how much do you charge per kiss?
I just tell them to kiss me nalang.
I can see that you know your way around women. And around potential lawsuits as well. How has your perspective on life changed since your pink parts have turned to gold?
Well, I’m really a shy guy.
You don’t say?
But when I got into the finals of the Axe contest, I told myself that I wasn’t really shy and that I had what it takes to win. So it was like I flipped on a switch and I convinced myself that I was a really confident guy inside.
Where is that switch located? Many No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSB) have been looking for their switches, but they can’t seem to find it.
The switch was deep inside. I just turned it and than just lived out being an Axe Gold Man.
Pang-Maaalala Mo Kaya ang istoriya mo. When you ended up as one of the three finalists in the contest, what do you think gave you the winning edge, aside from your mutant ability to flip your hair and wear see-through white shirts?
I believe the other two finalists were also worthy to be winners. But if you were to ask what I think was my advantage, I guess Axe was looking for someone who wasn’t shy, wasn’t awkward and was confident. So I set myself apart in that way. I had to own confidence. I greeted everyone with a smile, looked everyone in the eye and lived the Axe Gold life. Even though I didn’t win it yet, I should look like I already had.
Pwede ka nang tumakbo sa party-list for those who are fragrance-impaired. Forgive me for asking #dontforgiveme, but what is the fine line between confidence and kapal ng mukha?
(DOM representative: Line, schmine. All you need for confidence is gold blings dangling from your exposed hairy chest.)
Siguro, it’s like if people tell you you’re good-looking, you do acknowledge that you’re good-looking — that’s kapal ng mukha. But if people tell you that you’re good-looking and you say “thank you” and move on — that’s confidence. I think confidence is about knowing that you have it, but you don’t have to show it for people to know that you have it.
Profound. Parang na-nosebleed ako diyan. After prolonged use of Axe, can you tell me the best body parts where I can spray it where it won’t be mahapdi?
I do the “lucky seven.” I start from the chest and end up at the belly button in one fluid motion.
You don’t have to display it for me, thank you. What life lessons did Axe Gold Mentor Luis “Do you want to get lucky?” Manzano impart to you during the contest, aside from where to get the best value meals?
Luis was one of the “lighter” mentors. During one of the challenges, we had to impress Solenn (if you haven’t heard about her, you must be a eunuch) Heussaff, so he reminded us to be ourselves, chillax and show our funny side as well.
(DOM representative: I tried to show Solenn Heussaff my funny side. I was arrested for public indecency.)
Luis is actually a prime example of someone who straddles the fine line between confidence and kapal ng mukha. In fact, when I interviewed him before in his role as an Axe Gold ambassador, he told me that his motto in life was “If you’re not gwapo, just be makulit.” What did this master pilosopo teach you about straddling that line?
There was a time he put me on the spot during a Q&A in the Style Challenge. In front of Solenn, he asked me “What does it take to be an Axe Gold Man?” Then he told me “If you had to sing a song to Solenn, what would it be?” Off the top of my head, I said My Heart Will Go On.
I didn’t realize the sophisticated Axe Gold Man was a closet fan of WRock.
Knowing the jokester that Luis is, he challenged me to sing it to Solenn. I had to make my face makapal na makapal na mukha! So I gave it my everything! I knelt down in front of Solenn — the beauty that she is, the goddess that she is — and started singing.
You don’t seem smitten with Solenn at all. And what did you learn from KC Montero, the other Axe Gold ambassador? Were you smitten with his scathing wit, piercing eyes or the bold bald sexual signal emanating from his scalp?
KC was the most intimidating mentor because he was the Axe Gold Man. And we had to (find ways to be) more confident than KC! Every time we tried to make a joke, he’d make us bara. He wouldn’t even laugh, he’d just stare at us. But that was just tough love on KC’s part to make sure we raised our hilarity levels. “You’ve got to be funnier than that, you’ve got to be more confident than that!” he’d tell us. What I learned from him is that you have to own your confidence, because he can sense when you’re shy. But he didn’t make me cry naman (Laughs nervously, hoping KC will never read this interview).
Maybe not, but KC has the mutant ability to make you wet your pants just a wee bit. Talking about bodily fluids, what did you learn from Axe “resident hottie” Solenn, or did you just keep salivating in her presence?
The first half of the competition, we were all salivating over Solenn. But Solenn taught us that to be an Axe Gold Man, we had to be in control of ourselves. She is one of the hottest women in the industry right now and we had to show her that we weren’t shy around her because girls hate it if you’re too shy.
(DOM representative: I’m not shy at all, but the girls still seem to hate me.)
She wanted to make sure that we were confident enough to talk with her. Since the contest ended, Solenn is now my ka-beso.
So how do you manage to control yourself nowadays when you make beso Solenn?
No need. I make the Axe Gold fragrance do its job.
So Axe Gold did its job of enlarging your cojones after all. Your final mentors were the Boys Night Out guys, who were supposed to teach you about sophistication and class. Did you get a refund for that?
During the challenge, they made sure we had a hard time when we were trying to impress a girl, like passing behind her back or whispering to the other girl. They taught me to — no matter what — keep your eyes on the prize and just deliver what you can to do the girls.
But if you keep eyes on the prize, the girls might put fist in your face?
No, that’s not the prize! It’s the prize of wooing her.
I see. And I thought the prize was the year-long rent-free stay in your own pad, a Volkswagen Beetle and a hedonistic all-expense-paid week-long trip to Las Vegas where you can do things that would not have been possible to do if you were under a yaya’s supervision. Finally, LA, what advice can you offer for future Axe Gold Men who aspire to be as golden in all their body parts as you?
Believe in yourself, that you have what it takes. If you’re a shy guy, tell yourself “No, I’m not a shy guy, I’m the most confident guy in the room!” Believe in yourself others will believe in you, too.
(DOM representative: Then we’ll finally have a chance to make beso-beso with Solenn Heussaff!?)
Depends on how long your prison sentence lasts.
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For comments, suggestions or katas ni LA, email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.com. Follow @rjled on Twitter and @rjled610 on Instagram.