For the Big Time Bigo Sa Pag-Ibig (BTBP), the No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs), the DOMs and other hardened criminals out there who have failed to win the hearts of their beloved because of aesthetic reasons, moral reasons or reasons that fall under the articles of impeachment, you may want to try out more erotic, este, esoteric ways to bamboozle her affection.
It’s time to try out a little magic.
And no, this is not the same type of magic that you will see on a David Blaine TV special or on the augmented hemispheres of the new batch of Viva starlets or in Congress. This is the real wand-waving deal (No, DOMs: that is not the wand I am talking about). This is magic with a “k.” Literally. It’s spelled magick (because we’re Pinoy like dat).
But the untrained use of esoterica can lead to rather questionable results. For example, the gayuma you used to make your object of affection fall in love with you has instead resulted in giving you six pairs of nipples, cloven hooves and talking pink parts. Or the magic wand that you used to make her hormones work against her will has instead caused your own wand to retreat into your lower intestines.
So to prevent your malfunctions with your wand, I consulted with a veteran spell caster (who shall remain anonymous in the event that any of his spells inadvertently cause your pink parts to start spouting lines from Romeo and Juliet) to craft spells that do not require any eye of newt, dragon’s blood or virgin sacrifices (if it required virgin sacrifices, then it would wipe out all of my NGSB readers).
Given that most of my NGSB readers are computer literate (especially since the only female companions the have are virtual or video or mechanical in nature), I asked my veteran spell caster if he could do customized spells for the attention deficit disorder generation.
VETER SPELL CASTER (VSC): Alas, new media such as Twitter, Facebook and e-mail are used for quick communication and almost never in an altered state of consciousness.
(Imaginary Pepe Smith: I know a quick way to alter consciousness, mga repapips!)
VSC: Magic demands the exact opposite: the use of materials not readily on hand but carefully and deliberately gathered.
(The League of NGSBs: Whaaat!? You mean there is no instant gratification when it comes to magick!? Are you in the dark ages!? So does this mean that the only girl that I will ever go steady with will be made out of pixels!?
VSC: However, if you are really desperate, then during Valentine’s Day switch your Facebook profile picture to a block of bright fuchsia.
(The League of NGSBs: Why bright fuchsia? Will it communicate to the opposite sex that I am adept at color-coordination?)
VSC: Because fuchsia is the color of flamboyant seduction.
(Resident DOM: No wonder most of my flamboyant body parts are in that color.)
VSC: I still prefer the use of kitchen witchcraft, though. It is still more credible.
RJ LEDESMA: And it might be easier to get the objection, este, object of your affection to accept an enchanted apple instead of an enchanted USB.
(The League of NGSBs: Even if the USB is fuchsia?)
SPELL #1: Tongue not in cheek
VSC: The first spell requires the dila of a pagi (stingray tongue).
RJ: Why do you need a dilang pagi? Why not the dila of dugong or a shark or an octopus? Are pagis known to be good French kissers?
VSC: Pagi is considered to have magickal powers by the albularyos. Its tail (buntot-pagi) is used to drive away manananggals from pregnant women. And the dila is always malansa (fishy) no matter how much you dry it. It also smells like another body part that I will leave to your imagination.
(The League of NGSBs: Is it a body part that does not get much exposure to sunlight?)
VSC: The dila is well-known in magickal circles as a pampaano. It is available at your anting-anting (talisman) stalls in Quiapo and in Baclaran. An entire dila costs approximately P2,500; it may be used in toto or broken into sections — yes, like your favorite Lego invention. The dila disassembles and reassembles into “V”-shaped units. “V,” of course, is for “Valentine’s,” unless you can think of any other word that it can stand for.
(The League of NGSBs: Voltes V?)
VSC: A single “V” costs approximately P100 to P200.
(Resident DOM: Two hundred pesos!? And there’s no need to pay for dinner, bouquet and a motel bill! Now, that’s a Valentine’s date!)
Instructions for preparing Dilang Pagi:
Submerge the dila in a dish of rubbing alcohol. Set aside until the alcohol evaporates and the dila is completely dry.
After it is completely dry, smell the dila once more to see if you can finally guess the body part.
Note to NGSBs: Please do not abuse the dilang pagi.
You have two options at this point:
Seal the dila in a tiny Zip-loc bag and encase it in a calling card holder, which you then take with you. You may casually touch or rub someone else’s body part with it during an informal conversation (please remember not to rub it in a body part that will get you charged with sexual harassment).
Immerse the dila in a capped bottle of extra virgin olive oil. The oil can then be discreetly dabbed onto the, er, arm of a person of your choice, with the same effects indicated above. Remember, any major spell always requires a virgin sacrifice.
(The League of NGSBs: Can we use our bodily fluids as a virgin sacrifice?)
SPELL #2: Papa, yeah!
VSC: This spell can be performed only when your loved one visits you and you happen to have some papaya in the refrigerator.
(Resident DOM: How much do you have to pay a “loved one” to visit you at home?)
VSC: If you have no loved one, you can always eat the papaya. This will prevent him from going to confession more often.
(The League of NGSBs: How will eating a papaya prevent you from going to confession more often?)
RJ: Please ask a seminarian to explain it to you.
Instructions for the Papaya:
Serve your loved one a slice of papaya with a topping of one half-teaspoon sugar and three drops calamansi (kumquat).
Remember: Do not scrape off the seeds.
Whisper your love wish onto the slice of papaya before serving. But that is all. Please do not abuse the papaya or else you will have to go to confession.
After your loved one consumes the papaya, she will most probably leave the seeds on the service saucer. Or, if she found it rather unpleasant that you did not scrape out the seeds from the papaya, she will spit it into your face.
Do not throw away the seeds. Take them from the saucer or wipe them off your face. Then plant those seeds in a pot or in a backyard so that her love for you will grow at the same rate as the papaya.
If that does not work, then at least you will always have something at home that will help you get away with a lighter penance.
SPELL#3: Iced me:
VSC: Again, this spell can be performed only when your loved one visits you and you happen to have some iced tea in the refrigerator.
RJ: Is there a particular reason why we have to use iced tea? Not diet soda or an energy drink or freshly squeezed juice? What esoteric power does iced tea possess aside from additives and artificial sweeteners?
VSC: Well, it’s coffee, tea, or me.
(The League of NGSB: Have you offered yourself up for virgin sacrifice as well?)
Instructions for the Iced Tea:
Serve your loved one a glass of iced tea.
Beforehand, whisper your love wish into the jug or glass of tea.
Nothing more needs to be done. Except maybe to ask if she’s got diabetes after you’ve whispered all those sweet nothings into that glass of iced tea.
VSC: There is a similar love spell to this that I call “Timed Love Release.”
(Resident DOM: Is there any “Fast-Acting Love Release”?)
RJ: I am trying my best not to make any jokes about fast-acting love release.
Instructions for Ice cubes:
Fill a pitcher one-third full with drinking water.
Mix in three teaspoons of sugar. Ativan is optional.
Whisper your love wish into the mixture. Pour the mixture into an ice cube tray and let it freeze.
VSC: Serve your loved one the iced tea — or any other drink — with your magickal ice cubes.
RJ: Wow, it’s just like drinking the Kool Aid in Jonestown.
SPELL#4: Babe doll
VSC: The next spell requires you to purchase a doll you can use to represent your loved one.
(The League of NGSBs: Does it matter if the doll is anatomically correct? So I know if I will use a Dora doll or a Barbie doll?)
VSC: Then take off the doll’s clothes inside your bedroom.
RJ: Where exactly are you going with this before I have you arrested?
VSC: Using calamansi juice and a dip pen, write your loved one’s name on the front and back of the doll’s body. Let it dry. Then take the doll to bed with you when you go to sleep at night. No, don’t do anything to the doll.
(The League of NGSBs: Even with the dilang pagi?)
VSC: Just sleep beside the doll.
(The League of NGSBs: Do I keep my clothes on while sleeping beside the doll?)
VSC: If you are anatomically correct.
SPELL#5: Bow tie (for men only)
VSC: And here is the final love spell that ties it altogether.
RJ: I hope it’s a step above sleeping beside a baby doll.
(The League of NGSBs: We’ll take what we can get!)
VSC: Before meeting up with your loved one, tie a pink bow on that body part. Believe me — this works, all the time!
RJ: I just hope that this love spell does not lead to gangrene.
(Resident DOM: At the very least it will make the flamboyant body part turn fuchsia.)
(The League of NGSBs: I think I’ll stick with the doll.)
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For comments, suggestions or a second-hand pink ribbon, e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. Follow @rjled on Twitter.
You are invited to my book launch this coming Monday (Feb. 20)! Please join me for the book launch and signing of my newest book It Only Hurts When I Pee: RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Bodily Gases, Hair Loss and Pink Parts at Powerbooks, Greenbelt 4 Makati City! Bring your friends and your pink parts! We will also be raffling off P50,000 worth of services from Svenson.