What better way to enjoy your weekend in Boracay than getting your pubic hair trimmed? The benefits of a manicured pubic lawn are manifold: it makes for better ventilation, it makes you more aerodynamic and it makes you more aesthetically pleasing (but pleasing for whom, I am not quite sure).
However, to avoid another emergency room incident involving my yaya and her nipper, we called on one of the best-kept secrets in the salon industry: Ate Pubic Hair Trimmer. Ate’s real name is only known to chosen celebrities, landscape architects and individuals whose pubic hair extends to their kneecaps.
Since I was getting my hair cut in my sensitive (and some would argue, insensitive) parts, I made sure that my wife was present for safety reasons. But before Ate Trimmer could do any trimming, shearing and plucking, my wife required her to present her curriculum vitae, NBI clearance and TESDA certification for handling heavy equipment. This way, my wife was assured that Ate would not only handle the equipment with care, but also make sure that it would not be subjected to accelerated depreciation during the trimming process.
(Before we embark on this perilous journey, I am sure there is a question that stands out in the minds of the Dirty Old Men [DOMs] and No Girlfriends Since Birth [NGSBs] reading this column: Will this procedure make you to stand at attention, inadvertently or otherwise? Well, let’s put it this way: it’s pretty difficult to stand at attention when the person cutting your pubic hair bears the honorific Ate before her job description.)
Manang placed a bath towel over the bedsheets I would lie down on to make sure the felled pubic hairs would not be harvested by birds to build nests or for DOMS to make hair plugs or for witches to put in their gayuma (love charm).
“Sweetheart,” I said, cupping my hands together. “Please do not do anything that will shift my equipment out of neutral. That is for our mutual safety and enjoyment. I thank you.”
My wife rolled her eyes.
Take it off, take it off!
RJ LEDESMA: Ate, why you are wearing a sanitary mask?
ATE TRIMMER: I have a cough. I don’t think you want me to cough anywhere around the area where I do my business.
How thoughtful naman you are. And all this time I thought you were worried that you might inhale some of my pubic hair.
We can start now.
Sige (All right).
You have to take off your underwear first.
Are you sure? Can’t you cut the hair with your heat vision?
I looked at my wife and whimpered, crossed myself, then told yaya to turn away. I slowly peeled away my Spongebob SquarePants underwear to reveal my secret garden to Ate Pubic Hair Trimmer.
O, start na tayo (Let’s start).
Wait, wait muna (first), Ate. Is it thick? I am referring to the hair...
Medyo (A bit).
So what do we do to clear that area up? Kaingin (Slash and burn)?
We’ll just trim it a bit. Let’s not make sagad (up to the hilt).
That’s right, I still want my wife to recognize me after this is all over.
When it grows, it will be itchy.
Same thing the urologist said if I didn’t take the medication. So where do you plan to start, Ate? I know that there is a lot of ground to cover.
We will start at the side areas.
You’re just going to start cutting? There’s no shampoo muna? Or oil? Kahit (Even) lotion?
Don’t worry, I already applied alcohol on my hands.
Great, just be careful not to start a fire down there.
I asked my wife to take extensive video coverage of the procedure if we may need evidence in a lawsuit or, if worse comes to worst, my wife may to need to perform an emergency pubic haircut.
(Much like Manny Pacquiao’s fighting style, Ate Trimmer’s haircutting technique was both brutal and efficient. She used her left hand to pull away at the pubic hair until it tugged away at the roots. Then she used her right hand to lop off the wiry overgrowth. Within minutes, she caused the systemic genocide of millions of bacteria that had taken up residence in my pubic ecosystem for several generations.)
Do you usually get chatty with your male clients or is it a “Pull, snip, rip, thank you Sir, see you next month” type of a job?
I talk with my clients especially when I am giving a Brazilian (wax).
What do you usually talk about when you are giving a
Brazlian? The stock market? Politics? Pacquiao’s next sparring partner?
I talk about giving a Brazilian.
You really do love your work, don’t you?
Siyempre, so my client doesn’t think about the pain.
So parang anesthesia pala ang boses mo. Pwede kang DJ sa Love Radio (So your voice is like anesthesia. You could be a DJ on Loe Radio).
You have to talk to him so that you keep his mind occupied with other things.
I see how talking about a Brazilian wax can keep his mind off things.
Or else I tell them to call up someone so that they are not focused on what I am doing.
Like whom? The police department? The emergency room hotline? Jollibee delivery?
Kailangan unti-untian lang and gupit dito (We have to cut the hair down there very slowly).
Bakit, sino ba yung mabibigla (Why, who will get shocked if you do it quickly)?
Kasi, kapag binigla mo, magiging uka-uka yon. (If you do it quickly, the pubic hair cut will look uneven)
Why, who will criticize your work? My wife?
RJ’S YAYA: Ako (Me).
Yaya, pambihira naman e (Goshdarn it)! I told you to look the other way.
You have to work carefully at the sides because the hair has to be cut layer by layer. Tip by tip.
I didn’t realize my pubic hair had so much depth.
When I cut pubic hair, I start from one side then move on to the other side until I reach the center. But If I see a hair strand that is mahaba-haba (longish), I go back to it.
Wala ka talagang patawad (You truly show no forgiveness).
This is the moment
Finally, Ate Trimmer’s shears had finished all of the width and now had come to the length. And, may I just share with you, my three female readers, she was quite nimble in using her index and middle finger (and the occasional pinkie) to gently push away the length from the width to reach new uncharted territories.
After she had sheared her way through the new territories, Manang asked me to spread my legs a bit further so that she could reach areas that I thought were merely urban legend. My goodness, I thought, if she asked me to spread my legs any wider I would need to permission of the Presidential Commission on Good Government.
How’s the weather down there, Ate?
Ok pa rin (still).
It’s getting rather nippy for me though. You might have over-exceeded expectations down there.
Sir, I noticed that you don’t seem to be nervous that there is somebody giving you a haircut down there in an area so close to your equipment? Why is that?
Because my yaya is a good sniper.
(Then in a swift, blurring motion that needed to be played back on the video camera, Ate employed some finger acrobatics to see the nether side of the family jewels.)
My goodness! There is large patch of hair that really needs a haircut!
Can’t you just leave that for ornamentation?
‘Pag dating dito, dapat doble ingat (When it comes to these parts, you should be doubly careful).
I would hope so, doble rin yung ginugupit mo diyan (you are also cutting a pair down there).
Dahil maselan ang balat po dito (The skin around here is sensitive).
I’ve heard. Wait! Wait! Why are you applying powder to my sensitivities? My wife promised me that this was a legitimate service!
That’s to remove all the hair that I’ve already cut. It’s magulo (a mess) down there.
I don’t think it needs to be organized.
* * *
Seven and a half hours of furious, spirited cutting later, Ate used her scientifically validated method of kapa kapa (pure feel) to make sure that finally all the hair was gone in all the politically approved areas. I asked my wife to pay extra attention to make sure my human rights were not violated.
After my wife’s inspection, I felt a fresh breeze sweep across my pubic region. I double-checked to see whether or not that fresh breeze was just Ate’s cough. I brushed aside some of my felled hair and stood up. Up from the bed, I mean.
So, what do you think?
Bitin ako (I don’t feel like I’m done).
Bakit (Why)?
It’s not as clean as I would like it to be.
What do you want to do? Use some industrial disinfectant?
I-Brazilian kaya natin yan (Let’s do a Brazilian on that).
* * *
Despite my more aerodynamic form, my wife and Ate Trimmer were able to chase me down from the wall, tie me down to the bed and stuff my mouth with a bath towel.
“Trabaho long, po (It’s just work)” Ate intoned as she lay a strip paper with hot sticky wax across my singit (groin).
Boracay, you better be worth it.
* * *
For comments, suggestions, or some souvenirs, email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. Follow rjled on Twitter.