Why? It doesn’t make sense, you say. Well for one, I do want to greet all of you loyal readers of "It’s a Wonderful Life" (all three of you – my mom, my dad, and my askal Clinton) a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Yup, even my fiancée Teemy is not a loyal follower of my column – she doesn’t read it when she is not mentioned. So, I figured, maybe if I wrote a whole column about her she will start reading it regularly. Then she would be loyal reader #4. Wow, four loyal readers! Not bad for a guy who never took a subject in journalism, who had no formal writing lessons and who got a C in Ateneo for English!
As the title suggests, this little piece is about getting married. Specifically, it’s about my getting married this Christmas season. I will soon be a "hubby" and my fiancée will be my "new dear" for the rest of my life. Two days from today, I will be tying the proverbial knot with Teemy, a Bacolodian lass whom I met 12 years ago.
Who would have ever thought that when I met this cute mestiza girl in our village basketball park, she would be the girl with whom I will spend the rest of my life? No doubt, she attracted my attention. She’s a dish! She reminded me of Leah Thompson, the mom of Michael J. Fox in the movie Back to the Future. What a babe! I really did have a big crush on her but at the time, I was pa-cool so I didn’t pay her much attention. I remember her friends telling me then that she had a crush on me, too. They said I reminded her of John Cusack. Nowadays, Teemy denies ever saying that and says I actually reminded her of another John – the late John Denver – because of my moptop hair. That’s not so bad – I loved his Christmas album with the Muppets.
But I am pretty sure she said John Cusack.
So here I am – two days before my wedding day. You know, it’s weird. All my life, I always imagined how it would feel being a groom-to-be a few days before W-Day. I always thought I’d be a nervous wreck. I’m actually pretty calm about the whole thing – so calm it’s making me nervous.
I’ve heard so many horror stories from friends and relatives about marriage. There are success stories that also make you believe in it, but these days we hear more about failed marriages. Maybe it’s because the latter attract more attention owing to the resulting scandal splashed on the tabloids; successful marriages, on the other hand, aren’t really worth an inch of the front page. "And now for the news – it’s another day of successful blissful marriage between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. For the details, here’s our report..." Nah, doesn’t work.
Okay, now since we’re in the Business Life section, I’ll pose the central issue of this article with a business slant: "Marriage: A Great Deal or a Poor Investment?" Based on pure hearsay (which, according to my Evidence professor, is inadmissible in a court of law), the conclusion is that marriage is a poor business proposition. According to people who have been there and later regretted it, marriage is the worst investment you can make because of the following reasons:
1) You invest everything you’ve got – your body, mind and soul, your time, treasure, total being.
2) You give up a lot in the venture – your paycheck, freedom, choices, opportunity to meet more people, sanity
3) The return on investment is not great – nagging, headaches, additional concerns, worries, fights, emotional breakdown, irreconcilable differences, pesky kids.
4) Debt-to-equity ratio increases – you always "owe" something to someone and what you owe increases daily, and your power to voice out your views in the venture decreases (so your "equity" decreases).
5) Asset takeover – you don’t really own anything for yourself anymore; only your toothbrush is yours and even that is sometimes used for conjugal needs (like cleaning those hard-to-reach crevices in the bathroom floor).
6) Strikes and labor unrest – the other party just refuses to cooperate and gives you either the cold-shoulder treatment or a machine-gun like speech that peppers your self-esteem.
7) Cash flow problem – somehow, bringing home the bacon is not enough – you have to bring home eggs, ham, beef, and vegetables, too. This means your wallet will have a lot of room for things other than money.
8) You become a victim of creative marketing – somehow, the "product" you decided to get hitched with when you got married doesn’t turn out to be as good as advertised.
The list goes on and on. When you think about all of the above, you can’t help but wonder what it is about marriage that actually compels people to take the plunge. It really seems that there’s a lot of reasons to be fearful.
Many couples are separating nowadays for different reasons. Sometimes it’s about money. Sometimes it’s because the other party has become incapacitated to sufficiently provide for the family. Sometimes it’s simply because the situation has turned from bad to worse.
I was reviewing the traditional wedding vows. It doesn’t make sense. It says, "to love and to cherish for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." I say let’s remove the words "better," "richer" and "in health." Why? Because what’s the point in vowing to remain married to someone who is better, richer or healthier; who wants to break a marriage when things are better, when your partner is richer or healthier? Under those circumstances, you’d love to stay married so it’s pointless to "vow" to stay married. The vows should really concentrate on situations where things are worse, when your partner is poorer, or when your partner is sick. And let’s add to that – when your partner becomes fat and ugly. Now, when you commit yourself to remain married under these circumstances, that’s the ultimate vow!
Anyway, getting hitched at the ripe old age of 27 – Huh? What’s that? All right, all right, I’m 31! What? Okay, fine…34! Satisfied?
Getting married at this age does have its advantages. For one, I’m more mature now. I’ve seen and experienced a lot of things, traveled extensively, partied my guts out, and even had my little share of being in the limelight (having been in media).
Frankly, after 34 interesting years, I don’t crave to "see what’s out there" – at least not as much as before which, in a way, helps.
A lot of marriages I know disintegrated because either husband or wife or both were not ready to "settle down," to live the quiet life and be together. Either one of them or both of them felt they didn’t get to experience the world on their own.
I remember the haunting words of my favorite Barry Manilow song, Sandra:
I swear I love my husband, I love my kids. You know I wanted to be like my mother. But if I hadn’t done it (getting married) as soon as I did, oh I might have had time to be me, for myself, for myself. So many things that she wishes. She don’t even know what she’s missing. And that’s how she knows that she’s missed.
Now, I’m not saying that getting married late is the solution to a successful marriage. I know a good number of people who got married at 19 or 20 years old and are still happily married.
But maturity and knowing that you’ve done a lot on your own does give you that sense of satisfaction, contentment and the knowledge that really, there’s nothing out there to beat the bliss of a happy family life.
I’ve gotten a lot of advice from married and separated friends. That’s another thing: advice.
"You’re getting married? Can we still stop you? Another lucky man gone wrong." This coming from friends who are still with their wives! They harp about the nagging, the fights, the loss of excitement, the lack of sex, the fizzling of the passion.
From my discussions, I’ve realized one thing – the more you think about marriage being a "commitment," being a "permanent legal binding document that will pin you down forever," the more you’re likely to end up either breaking up the marriage or being unhappy in your state. It’s really in the attitude – how you see things. As for me, I’m taking the attitude of Michael Jordan with basketball – I’m doing it for the love of the game.
Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant once said, "I have the best job in the world. This is something I will do for free." To him, basketball is not a job. He loves his job and gets paid millions. It’s not a commitment or a legal contract to him. Funny, a lot of men I know will not get married to their long-time girlfriends even if they were paid. It’s because of their attitude – they look into the "contract" part, the indissolubility of the relationship.
Taking the Jordan and Bryant attitude, I’m more happy with my situation.
I’m doing it for the love of the game. My attitude is that getting married is the best thing in the world – the ultimate goal – and I would like to get into it even now that so many people are disenfranchised with the whole thing.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had that fearful attitude before. I had close calls in the past. I was afraid of the M word, partly because I wasn’t 100 percent sure of myself and my would-be partner. Now, I’m more aware of the challenges of marriage. In a way, I admit it’s partly curiosity that’s eating me up. But over and above the curiosity, I have come to love the challenge that marriage offers. Believe me, Teemy and I have so many differences, it amazes me that we still love each other dearly despite them.
That’s what impresses me about loving and accepting someone so different. It just shows that there’s certainly more to life than working for my own happiness. My happiness now lies in making Teemy happy. And I guess that comes with maturity because when we’re young, we’re selfish. Observe a two-year old. It’s all I, me, mine. They throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want. But as you become older, you go beyond yourself – you realize you’re not the center of the universe – and you begin to care for others.
I’ve always been looking at the other side of the marriage fence. I see a lot of separated couples, sure, but what hits me are old couples still holding hands. I get inspired by old couples who kiss each other in public. You know what else hits me? The fact that a lot of people who are separated are still hopeful (whether discreetly or blatantly) that they will meet "that special someone" they can spend the rest of their lives with. And indeed, most of them do end up with someone else. Some more than others. Elizabeth Taylor is an expert in this field.
So you see, even people who have been victimized by the game still want to be part of the game. So my conclusion is: one of our ultimate goals in life (at least for those who have not taken the vow of celibacy) is to be with someone of the opposite sex. By our very nature – that seems to be where we are all headed – we want to find someone special to be with. So, if marriage is the one that formalizes this "destiny," then I don’t really mind it. In fact, I look forward to it.
The way I see it, in a business sense, marriage is actually a good deal. Under the deal, you will always have someone to cherish you, love you and take care of you, until you’re old and wrinkly and undesirable – in fact, until you die. And that someone is mandated by law to do that. No matter how disgusting your toilet habits eventually become, this other person is required by law to look after you. Of course, it also works the other way around. You’ll have to do the same. But that’s ok. At least you know you’re not going to age alone. Also, you know that someone is mandated by law to be beside you when you’re ready to move on to the next world. Now that, to me, is a comforting thought.
Speaking of getting a good deal, you’re not the only one who invests; the other person invests everything too. Whatever he or she has is yours – so you don’t really lose everything, you gain twice as much.
You lose your freedom, you say? Freedom to do what? Go to sleazy bars? Have a sexual affair? Technically, you’re free to do that even if you’re married. Your spouse isn’t with you 24 hours a day and she doesn’t have you in chains. At the end of the day, you only have your conscience watching you. So, technically, you don’t lose you’re freedom when you get married... you just become more aware of what you’re not supposed to do.
Knowing is liberating. If you become unfaithful it shows that you’re free, right? But then again, your conscience will be the one nagging you. That’s a different story. It’s not marriage that’s limiting your freedom, it’s yourself. Speaking of nagging... you say you can’t live with it? It surely beats going home to a cold, tomb-quiet, unanimated pad.
Just like a business venture, marriage is a risk. But hey, so is being a swinging single – you risk your health (AIDS, VD). Plus you risk your reputation. Somehow, people who remain single are not deemed normal. It’s cute until you’re around 36. But once you hit 37, people start thinking that you’re either gay or afraid of commitment. That’s not a good thing, right? And being single, you risk being too selfish, and too immersed with yourself. Sure the risks are different – but the possible pitfalls in remaining single are equally devastating.
Any type of situation – marriage or single-blessedness – has its risks, challenges, highs and lows. It’s your attitude toward the situation that counts. Just like in business. Your business could be earning you millions, but if you don’t like your business – and if you come with the attitude that your business is a chore – you’re still a loser.
Getting married to Teemy is my biggest investment. And I’m quite hopeful that this investment will yield high returns – returns of happiness and contentment – and a whole bunch of healthy kids! To Teemy–- I hope and pray that I will be the husband you’ve always dreamed of. I’m not perfect. But I smell good and I brush my teeth thrice a day! I hope I don’t disappoint you! I love you!
Okay, folks, wish me luck on my new and exciting venture! And to all those getting married in this marry month of December, my best wishes to all of you – and good luck on your new venture!