I’m J.A., 21years old. I have read some of your articles in the Allure section of the Philippine STAR. I sent you an e-mail because I know you can help me with my problem about love and shyness. I’m a softspoken person. My problem is I don’t know how to approach the girl that I’d like to court and express my love to her. I’m too shy in everything especially when it comes to courting girls. I wish that you could be able to give me some tips on overcoming my shyness. Thank you!
— J. A.
Dear J.A.,
You have not elaborated as to why you are shy when it comes to courting girls. I will try to help you out by taking some assumptions as to why you are shy. If your shyness stems from the fact that you seem to be speechless when in front of the girl of your dreams and you cannot start a conversation, let me point out to you that you will most likely need to allot some time in preparing to become a better conversationalist. You will need to do some researching about the personal circumstances of the girl you intend to court. Find out her likes and dislikes. Update yourself on current events, about the weather, about bands and gigs preferred by her and her peer group. What were her recent activities? What are the things that happened during the weekend? For example, who are the Pinoy Big Brother top four teen winners? If you’re an Atenista like Mikee Lee, perhaps you can start from here. Remember, talk first about neutral topics in your first conversation with the girl you would like to court. Keep in mind always that you need to prepare for this first encounter. So, don’t go to her without at least a dozen of things to say to her. You’ll need some practice before you can be a good conversationalist. At the start, it may be quite difficult but once you develop this thing of preparing for a conversation into some kind of a habit, it will become so easy and less stressful.
If your shyness, however, is due to some kind of social skills weakness, you must identify this first and then think of ways to help yourself. Let’s assume that you have no problem with your image projection since you have been gifted with good looks and perhaps you even look like Gerald, one of the Pinoy Big Brother top four teen winners. Sadly, however, you’re such a lousy dresser with utterly no skills in dancing and singing. The girl of your dreams resembles the Miss Cutie Chinese Princess from Cebu, Kim Chui, the Pinoy Big Brother top teen big winner, who is a skilled dancer and singer. If that’s the case, J.A., you must take up some voice lessons or dancing classes to be able to attract this special girl.
Another strategy in shaking off shyness is letting people know that you’re shy. This way you are conveying to them that you’re interested to be part of their group conversation. At the same time, these people will be more accommodating and will give you the necessary time and interpersonal space to adjust to them. There is a disadvantage in not revealing to your peer group that you’re the shy type. They will most likely make wrong conclusions and misinterpret your body language as being aloof or even weird.
If you are extremely shy in any social situation at home or anywhere else, I recommend that you seek professional help. The reason for this recommendation is for the psychiatrist to find out if you’re extreme shyness is part of what is called social phobia or social anxiety disorder. In social phobia, there is an overwhelming fear or anxiety of being judged, criticized and evaluated by other people. The person with social phobia has the insight that this fear is irrational but nonetheless this fear of being judged negatively in social situations persists. A person with social phobia will find it extremely hard to be introduced to people. This person is bothered by thoughts such as "I’m sure they think I’m ugly; I’ll bet they are laughing behind my back." Such a phobic person will even be scared of attracting attention to himself or herself and will feel insecure and overly self-conscious in public settings. In the school setting, this phobic person will never raise his or her hand for recitation for fear of saying the wrong answer or for fear of being shamed. In other words, the life of someone with social phobia can be a difficult one because he or she will persistently think that he or she will not fit in with anyone in any setting. Because of this kind of frame of mind, the person with social phobia will find it better to stay away and avoid all contact with people in social situations.
Without therapy, someone with social phobia will experience more negative life problems like: [1] there maybe less chances for him or her to get married; [2] he or she will most likely have occupational and academic difficulties; and [3] the risk for depression and substance abuse is higher.
Social phobia usually affects the teens. Sigmund Freud viewed phobia as the result of conflicts centered on an unresolved childhood Oedipal conflict. In phobic patients, the defense mechanism involved is displacement. The unresolved sexual conflict is displaced from the person evoking this reaction to a seemingly less or unimportant, irrelevant object or situation which then subsequently triggers anxiety.
People with social phobia should not despair. Psychotherapy combined with pharmacotherapy are useful in treating social phobia. Psychotherapy involves a combination of cognitive and behavioral methods.
J.A., I hope your problem is the less complex type of shyness which will not require therapy.
Congratulations to the Officers and Board of Directors of TOFEMI Realty Corporation for the May 3, 2006 MOA signing with the QC government headed by Mayor Sonny Belmonte for the Community Mortgage Program of Lot 65, Payatas, QC.
Get well soon to UPAO community organizer, Lolit Mercado!
For questions on love, looks and relationships, e-mail me at ninahalili_allure2001@yahoo.com or at nina.halilijao@gmail.com.