Ali Sotto: On losing a son

“God makes no mistakes.”

That’s Ali Sotto’s mantra whenever she feels the pain of losing her son Miko at 21 when he fell to his death from a building in December 2003, two days before the dawning of a new year.

“Miko has been called home by the Father,” conceded Ali in a painful recollection. “His will be done.”

Nine years later, Ali admitted that the character of the pain has changed.

“You know, immediately after Miko died, the best way to describe it was a stabbing pain. It was horrific…para kang nalulunod. Para kang sinasaksak. It’s a cliché but it’s true: Time heals all wounds. Now, the pain is constant, a dull ache, but it’s there although not like during the first year.”

Ali had just arrived from abroad when the tragedy struck. Miko was preparing to leave that condo unit to live with Ali again.

“We were just waiting for the house assigned to us by the US Embassy,” recalled Ali whose husband, Omar Bsaies, is a diplomat. “We were looking at houses. Miko would ask where I was and I would tell him, ‘in Dasma’ or ‘in Forbes, looking at houses.’ He would follow me and look over the house and say, ‘I like this; ito ‘yung room ko.’ And then he fell from that condo.”

Was there any premonition?

“None…” stressed Ali, “…at all! Wala talaga!”

For a long time, Ali hung on to Miko’s things — his clothes, his blankets and a lot of his other personal possessions.

“Omar is the same size as Miko so he wears Miko’s clothes pa rin up to now. Some of Miko’s clothes I have given away to his cousins,” with Miko’s father Maru Sotto getting some of them. Added Ali, “I have kept his sunglasses and his jerseys. But every time there’s a calamity, I donate some kasi I think that’s the perfect time na pakinabangan ‘yon ng mga victims.”

But the best donation was Miko’s eyes, given to Esmi, a blind girl whose father was an ambulance driver.

“I’ve lost touch with her after Omar and I moved to Madrid. I would love to see her again. If anybody reads this column and knows her whereabouts, sana they would inform me where the girl is now.” 

They say that losing a child could be the most painful to a parent because it in a way disrupts the cycle of life.

“It’s true. The child is supposed to bury the parent and not the other way around. I buried my mother and her passing was very painful,” Ali admitted on the verge of tears. “But losing a child is something else…ni ayaw mong madadapuan ng lamok, eh. I was just talking to a friend whose daughter was going on a Lenten vacation and she didn’t know kung ano ang gustong bakasyon.

“As a parent, you are careful not to spoil your child so even if you can afford to let her go on a vacation abroad. I told her, ‘Take it from me, a mother who lost a son. I would err on the side of spoiling them, pero siempre timplado mo pa rin. Just tell her that since she worked hard during the school year, you are giving her a reward, parang incentive that next semester she will work even harder.’ Kasi, you know, how would I know that Miko would go at the age of 21?”

A few days before one of Miko’s death anniversaries, Ali was taking a shower in the gym after working out when she heard an inner voice, asking, “‘Ma, if you were given a chance to live your life again and knowing what you know now that after 21 years I would pass on and leave you with this pain for the rest of your life, if God says you can choose anyone to be your child, ako pa rin ba ang pipiliin mo?’ I immediately  answered, ‘Oo naman, ikaw pa rin, even if I know that after 21 years you would be gone.’ Then I cried and cried.  The next morning, the ex-girlfriend of my other son Chino (based in the US) called to tell me that she dreamed of Miko and he wanted to say ‘thank you’ to me. I guess any parent feels the same way.”

On Ali’s right shoulder is a tattoo of a butterfly which she considers a symbol for Miko.

Had Miko lived, how does Ali think he would have been today?

Ali broke into a hearty laughter between held-back tears.

“You know, siguro isang dosena na ang apo! Di ba when Miko died, how many girlfriends ba ang lumantad, only three? Miko would have been very prolific and made me a grandmother a dozen times over.”

Supposing she found Miko in front of her, wearing a wide, wide smile, what’s the first thing that Ali would tell him?

“Just this: I miss you, Miko! I really, really, miss you! I’m sure that when my time comes, si Miko ang susundo sa akin.” 

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