Mga halu-halong hula-hula 2013

If somebody tells you that he’s a “trustworthy” friend, crossing his heart and swearing that he hopes to die (if he’s lying), think 10 times because he might actually be stabbing you at the back and secretly putting you down.

Yes, it’s the Year of the (Water) Snake that begins during the Chinese New Year next month. There are snakes not only in the grass but in the asphalt jungle as well. They often bite the hands that feed them.

With that gentle New Year reminder/warning done, allow Funfare’s “resident psychic” to dish out his annual halu-halong hula-hula without, unlike most manghuhula, consulting Tarot Cards or a Crystal Ball (but only reviewing his stack of tabs and movie magazines, and recordings of showbiz talk shows…see, easy does it!).

Wide-Awake Items

• Just to beat the boredom (ho-hum!) in her barren love life, Kris Aquino will pretend to have a new (younger) love but she will soon get tired of him. (Her ex-husband James Yap will remain discreet about his, uhm, sexcapades.)

• Sarah Geronimo will defy parental control and finally enjoy her often rudely-interrupted love life.

• The network war will be waged even more fiercely, with the Top Two (Kapuso and Kapamilya) holding on to their hot properties so they won’t jump ober da bakod (which was the favorite sport of TV stars in 2012).

• Vic Sotto and Pauleen Luna will not get married (yet). What if they do? Then, due to the slight age difference, Pauleen’s dad will have to address Vic as “kuya.” Maybe for convenience, the two men should call each other Bossing (unless Pauleen’s dad prefers to call Vic “Daddy”).

• If plans are pushed through and Willie Revillame’s Wil Time Bigtime (to be retitled Wowowillie) is pitted with Eat, Bulaga! in the noontime slot, guess which one will suffer in the ratings game…what!?!, neither of them two, so which one?

• Spoiler alert: Only 30 percent (or even less) of the actors running in the May elections will win.

• Ormoc Rep. Lucy Torres and husband, Ormoc City Mayorable Richard Gomez will start their joint venture after the elections — that is, giving their only child Juliana (who’s turning 14 in September) either a brother or a sister.

• With the bright trail paved by the likes of Brillante “Dante” Mendoza, more indie Filipino directors will win awards in international filmfests.

• 2012 was packed full with foreign acts. Expect more of them this year. (Will Madonna finally come?)

• And last but definitely not the least, P-Noy will make an overnight star out of a lady (lucky you!) on whom he will take a fancy — fleeting as usual!

* * *

• A controversial couple will “go through troubled waters” and the girl will, as is her wont, tell all against the guy, including what “little else” he keeps.

• More couples will break up, especially those notorious for brazen PDA (Public Display of Affection) and for promising the whole world that they will love each other forever and ever, amen?

• The feuding sisters will not kiss and make up; instead they will resume their word war still on national television.

• A balikbayan actress will admit (at last, at last!) that she and her non-showbiz husband have actually long called it quits. No need to continue hiding in a wonderland if it’s as blatantly fake as that of the fairy-tale Alice is beautifully real.

• Several prodigal stars who have changed channels will try to return to their old “homes” but so sorry, management won’t be taking them back (serves them right, ‘no?).

• An actress will be deluded into falling for a foreigner, only to discover that she has been duped (ouch!!!).

• A major shake-up will rock a network and heads will roll.

• A young actress will get pregnant out of wedlock and her career will hit a snag. But she might make a successful rebound like other actresses who have committed the same indiscretion.

• As one beauty queen seriously thinks of settling down, another one seriously thinks of junking her boyfriend (as usually happens when one rises in social status and moves in more colorful circles).

• More stars will get entangled in senseless controversies due to their addiction to social networking.

(Warning: No inquiries about the names of those in the “blind items” will be entertained. Funfare’s “resident psychic” himself is clueless. Kaya nga hula-hula, eh, kasi ‘yon na nga — hula lang.)