I once had an office assistant who was very quiet and withdrawn that he isolated himself from the rest of the staff. He frequently begged off from company gatherings, saying he didn’t have social skills. At meetings, he mostly stared at his toes, disconnected, while others were engaged in discussion. He’d reason that his views would not really matter, that the others had better ideas.
Outside of his timidity, the guy was reliable in his job. He never messed up in his assigned duties. Except that he could only be given tasks that didn’t require teamwork.
But there was another side to this shy office guy. At home he was a completely different creature, always insisting to be consulted on every family matter. And his relatives come to him for smart ideas on anything, being of better education.
He’d often brag to his close friends that he was probably the best performing employee of the company. And he could find faults with a lot of things: the city’s transport system, tax collection, the way we were handling climate change, anything. But he would not share his ideas, “Why should I? It’s not my job!”
We all have our good sides, as we all suffer from a certain feeling of inadequacy in some aspects of our beings and of our lives. We want to be recognized for our achievements, while we feel uncomfortable in situations where our shortcomings are exposed.
One who is physically short will feel insecure in the company of tall friends, as a stutterer will shrink in a gathering with good speakers around, and a person who’s poor in math will feel out of place in a discussion involving numbers. Every new professional will want to place an ad in mass media to announce their passing the board exam. This is normal.
What is not normal is when we feel so deficient, as if we were the least person that ever walked the earth. And it is not normal to be so addicted to praise and recognition from others, as if our accomplishments are worthless without their approval. We are all each worth something; how much we’re worth is up to us. The joy we get in doing or earning something is our best validation for our deeds and for ourselves.
Some people won’t attend a party or speak in a meeting. They will give all kinds of excuses. And they can explain why they don’t deserve the manager’s position or can’t have a lot of friends.
Their problem could be shyness. Or it could be arrogance. Some feel they are not worthy to mingle with others. Others feel they’d be stooping low to be in others’ company. Shy people are always sorry for themselves, for their imperfections. To a good extent, arrogant people are no different; their harrowing feeling of lack is often at the root of their condescending stance.
Some shy people try to hide their problem under a confident face, even under the guise of superior posture. Others go much further, inadvertently coming out highhanded and arrogant. This latter group, you might say, end up creating a problem just as bad – or even worse – than the one they were trying to hide.
Among the successful go-getters, there are people with shyness problems. These ones have come to a realization that, indeed, they are okay and that they can win if they want. The longer and more vigorously they held on to the idea, their inner insecurity eventually conceded – and they were sprung on to their upward path.
But then again, this technique does not always work with others. Instead, it only aggravates their problem, making them swing from being timid to being overly aggressive. And, when they don’t get what they want, they turn apathetic, sometimes even openly bitter and spiteful.
My former office assistant appeared timid, while an awkward truth lurked underneath. He displayed unusual modesty to the point of cold indifference. Officemates viewed him as arrogant and conceited, overestimating his personal qualities.
They thought he felt himself superior to them. That he kept himself apart from the others to make himself stand out. In return, they distanced themselves from him.
Who among us can ever be all things to all people all the time? Or to always get whatever we want? It is not only very tiring and draining to try to, it is – first and foremost – an impossible dream.
It is a great help for maintaining our sense of balance to understand that no person was created to be perfect. That no one is totally superior or inferior to anyone else in everything. That we each have our own worth, our own value, our own place under the sun.
And that it is enough to just be the best that we can be — whatever it is. Those of us who will never be president of the country might as well be just good citizens.
(E-MAIL: modequillo@gmail.com)