Dear Daddy,
I don’t know if you know or recognize me. I’m not even sure if you know that I exist. But all my life, I have been thinking of you, imagining how you looked like and wondered when I can finally meet you.
When I was younger, I never really knew that I was not part of a real family. I thought mommy and I were, because she did everything to make me happy. But then when I started going to school, I got confused because during family days when all my classmates had their mommies and daddies with them while I only had my mommy.
It was then that I realized that there’s something missing. I began asking mom how come I didn’t have a daddy but she just shrugged and told me that I’m still a baby and I wouldn’t understand these things. From then on, I started asking myself, “What have I done to deserve not to belong to what they call a family?” “Was I not a good girl?” “Is Papa Jesus angry with me for Him to not give me a daddy?”
Every time we went to Church and before I slept at night, I would always pray to Jesus to give me a daddy and during Christmas time, I made it a point to be a good girl so that Santa will reward me. Do you know what’s on top of my list whenever I write to Santa? It’s you, daddy!
But days, months, years had passed. One…two…three…fifteen Christmases had gone, you never came….I waited and waited and waited but you never showed up. You never did.
It came to a point when I finally grew tired of waiting for you. I decided to stop and to just let you go. I stopped hoping that one day we’ll play piggyback together, that you will build a tree house for me and that you’ll attend my school’s family day. Yes, I am still full of envy whenever I see a girl with her daddy. In fact, whenever I see one I can’t stop staring at them. How I long to show you off to my friends and how I long to feel the warmth of your embrace, to hear you call out my name and hear you speak of me with pride. But I guess there is really nothing I can do.
I went on with my life thinking I never really did need you; in fact, I was able to survive in this world without even seeing you. I showed the world that I was strong and I can do anything. I break rules just to show them that I’m able to do so. I did everything that people think is bad just to prove to them that I am capable of doing all things, even the bad ones.
I never realized that though I looked tough on the outside, inside I was like broken glass. And although I tell the world that I can live life on my own, the reality is I really do need you. I need your guidance, I need your protection, and I needed you to tell me that what I’m doing won’t do anything good to me.
As I became an adult, the weight of the brokenness of my spirit, the gaping hole in my heart and the missing puzzle of my identity are daunting me. I searched for my wholeness in the wrong places. I tried to drown myself with alcohol because it made me forget. I started having relationship with different men just to fill in the emptiness within me but, alas, all of these never completed me.
Now that I’m all grown-up and I have my own baby, I have come to understand why you did what you did to me. I now understand that sometimes you are just not meant to become part of a family.
Through this letter, I want you to know that though I don’t really know you, I have always loved you and all my life I’ve been missing you. I’m still hoping I can finally meet you.
To the father that I never knew, “DADDY, I LOVE YOU AND HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!”
P.S.
I have already forgiven you, daddy.
Love,
Princess