Developing the right attitude towards your children’s homework (Part I)

Before their formal schooling, the fives would march off to their new kindergarten schools half anxious and half excited. In preparation for this event, many working mothers take a leave at least one week.

Preschool assignment

One effective encouragement to give to ease the separation of parents and small children is, “While papa and mama go to the office, this time YOU have your own office. Like them, you have your uniform, your ‘office’ bag and snacks!”

The year before Grade I, the so called “prep class” or pre-grade school class, the fives are given very simple assignments to get them used to the discipline of homework required in the formal elementary school. This is a wise move.

Many classroom comedies and tragedies revolve around homework. Children learn to lie about homework, copy it from friends, “lose” it or “forget” it at home. Home assignments are necessary to provide children drills for various lessons. The cooperation of the whole family is sometimes needed for some special projects like interviewing grandparents or discussing family hobbies or businesses.

Grade school homework is a personal responsibility

Teachers should not encourage parents to play an overactive role in their children’s homework.

What is the main value of homework? It provides the child the experience to work on his own. It allows him the freedom to organize the time, the tools and duration of his work. Thus, a parent’s reminder, nagging and constant urging would wash down the principal benefit of homework.

Many parents are anxious to help their children with his assignments. Many more hire tutors, who practically do the child’s homework. These are the dangers of this kind of help. First, it may convey to the child, “On your own, you are helpless.”

Conditioning the homework environment

The best help parents can give is indirect. That is, to condition his work environment: a fixed room (for example, the library) in the house where he has a good working table with good lighting and ventilation. This must be away from telephones, television, component sets and even distracting house decors. Good study habits can only be acquired when the child studies at a fixed time at the fixed place of study EVERYDAY until it becomes second nature to him.

Self-help tools range from dictionaries, thesaurus, encyclopedias, books of poetry, quotes etc. Interruptions by errands, conversations or criticisms are taboo. Avoid comments on behavior (like “Stop chewing your pencil… scratching… rocking the chair.”) which interferes with mental work.

A child who fails to bring his assignment must write a formal note stating, “What was not done and when it will be in.” No “why” questions are asked. Take for granted he has a reason. Thus, he will not be forced to make up excuses or lies.

When the homework is made up, the letter is returned to the child. Evidence of his diligence or deficiency is recorded by the child himself. Mothering should be cut off gradually from puberty (Grades IV and V) to adolescence. To mature, he needs to sense his separateness and individuality, and to know he is a person with a mind of his own.

Appeal to child’s pride

A letter from the teacher complained that Jimmy, age 12, was behind in his studies. His father’s first reaction was to give him a verbal thrashing. “No movies. No TV. No more visits to friends. We have never had illiterates in the family and you are not going to be the first.”

This message has been repeated ever so often, resulting in an angry atmosphere. The increased pressure only heightened Jimmy’s resistance. He became an expert in evasion and concealment.

This time, Father avoided the threats. Instead, he appealed to his pride, “Son, we do expect scholarship from you. The world needs capable people. There are still so many problems that need solutions.” Jimmy was surprised at his father’s words and tone of voice. He said “I promise to take my work more seriously.”

Power of acknowledgement

Nicole, a freshman student, stormed out of her room yelling, “It’s unfair! My Math teacher gave 20 algebraic equations to solve. I have been working over them for two hours. I’m not doing it anymore.”

What started as a war cry was turned into a peace talk by Nicole’s mother. She did not argue with her. She listened and acknowledged her predicament: “Oh! 20 algebraic equations. It sounds so difficult. It can be grueling and tedious!”

With this sympathetic acknowledgement, the ranting and raving stopped. “Look ma, it’s not that bad.” She returned to her room and finished the work.

Usually, such an incident could have easily developed into a whole-day quarrel with several unsympathetic comments. “How come you are always complaining? If it’s not one thing, it’s another!” A comparative question: “Why can’t you be like your brother? I never have any trouble with him.”

How to show compassion for failing grades

When your child forgets to do his homework and asks you to write an excuse for him, say “Write a note telling the teacher the truth. I will sign my name next to yours. It will tell the teacher that I understand that sometimes, one forgets.”

When your child is failing in any subject, prevent yourself from reciting a destructive catalogue of all his “failings” (“You never read a book,” “You always watch too much TV,” “You are always on the telephone”). Parents should learn that in crises, it is best to help rather than preach.

When you receive several unsatisfactory grades on your child’s report card, be compassionate. Know that when someone is drowning, it is not the right time to teach swimming. Say instead, “it makes you feel disappointed and discouraged too” (Otherwise the parents’ tendency is to negate the child’s feelings and not credit the child for caring for his schoolwork).

Homework can be dreadful but…

Even a conscientious student can look upon his homework with dread. It haunts him all afternoon. It robs him of what should be sleeping hours.

He clutches at maps, books, newspapers to postpone the awful moment. Once he starts writing, he does his work well. Admonitions like, “It’s a cinch for you. Why postpone? You torture yourself mindlessly” just won’t help.

But if you challenge him, “It seems so complicated and difficult, almost incomprehensible.” He’s likely to answer, “Not for me. I am good in Arithmetic…”

On other occasions, try telling him, “I wish you didn’t have so much work, I wish your evening were free for enjoyment, reading a novel, watching TV.” He would answer, “That would be nice. But I have lots of work. I want to keep my 90s in Math and Science.”

When your child’s enormous amount of homework makes him angry to the point of hating his teacher and school, see his helpless point of view and say, “You have to do a tremendous amount of work.” Later, he is likely to thank you. What for? Such a child answered his mother, “You helped me because you didn’t make me madder than I was.”

Parents’ support can give comfort

Remaining in the background, parents can give comfort and support rather than voluntary instruction and active assistance. Occasionally, they may clarify a point. Their help is given sparingly but sympathetically. They listen rather than lecture. They show the road, but expect the child to reach his destination on his own.

Part II – “Humoring the Child Instead of Scolding”

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