The press room was on the other side of the arena, so there was no way we could sneak into the stage or audience area and watch the show. We had to contend ourselves with TV monitors, which was like going halfway around the world just to watch television. But Pamela Anderson or Christina Aguilera or Esther Cañadas doesn’t just wander into your living room to answer your questions while you’re eating potato chips and drinking Damm beer. That’s how good the MTV gig was.
Before the stars came into the press room, I fell into a conversation with a beautiful American reporter from the Associated Press, Sarah Andrews, who’s based in Barcelona. She was having problems with her laptop. Of course, I offered to help. Of course, I wasn’t able to do a damn thing. We got to talking about jobs, MTV, bands, the weather, schools. I was doing fine until...
Me: What school did you go to?
Sarah: North Carolina.
Me (speaking like a true sage): Oh, Michael Jordan studied there.
Sarah: But everybody knows that! Since I don’t give up easily, like that nerd Urkel, I asked her again.
Me: Who was the star basketball player when you were studying at UNC?
Sarah: I’m not sure... Carter, I think.
Me (speaking with the certainty of a rocket scientist): Ahh! Carter... Aaron Carter!
Sarah: Aargh! Every idiot knows it’s "Vince." Sarah was wordless. No awards were being handed out yet and already I felt like a loser. I felt like Jerry Lewis. Another proud moment in my loser history. Good thing the pre-show started so I slinked into a seat and disappeared from Sarah’s sight forever.
The pre-show itself was entertaining. Three VJs  Abbie, Inna and Deborah Hombres psyched up the restless crowd. I told Tim that Deborah, a transvestite, resembled Hillary Swank. Christina Roe from Bravo, a youth-oriented Spanish magazine, told us that Deborah Hombres means "the girl who eats men." The three video jocks treated viewers to samplings of kitsch: a best butt contest with Kylie Minogue as judge; a best Goth getup tilt with Marilyn Manson picking out the winner; and a visibly uneasy Pierce Brosnan giving away James Bond tickets and fielding "How was it like to work with Madonna" questions. And since we’re on the subject of kitsch, the Las Ketchup trio performed that irritating The Ketchup Song which sticks into one’s unconscious like gum. (It’s the Macarena all over again with more Juicy Fruit power.) At the red carpet, stars showed up in their finery  Ronan Keating, Nick Carter, Pink, Mel C., the unpredictably batty Wyclef Jean wearing a white Mad Hatter outfit.
The much-hyped curtain-raiser involved P. Diddy walking toward centerstage with a toothpick sticking out from his pearly whites before greeting the audience with "Ola, Barcelona!" First presentors were Pamela Anderson and Wyclef, who pointed out to Pamela that she has "two of the most talented things." Geez, you just never know what nonsense might spew from the mouth of the former Fugee. DJ Hahn accepted the Best Group award for Linkin Park.
Royksopp from Norway played an electronica number in a house that resembles the ones used in Kenny Rogers’ and Anne Murray’s Christmas specials.
Alicia Keys garnered an award for Best R&B. Pink, who to me should be considered the long-lost 6th Spice Girl, performed her hit. It was then that Pamela Anderson entered the press room and we came face to face with those holy melons. Someone asked her about Wyclef’s comment on her "assets" and Pamela said she wasn’t at all offended. The former Baywatch babe is busy doing Chiparella, a Stan Lee creation. Anderson looked like a for-adults-only Barbie doll.
The luscious Kylie Minogue accepted the award for Best Pop. "Pop is not a dirty word," Kylie screamed while standing on top of an apple box. Cute.
All hell broke loose when Eminem sang a few bars from Cleaning Out My Closet followed by Lose Yourself. At first, I thought Marshall Mathers was nothing but an angrier, more pissed off, better marketed Vanilla Ice. It turned out that the rapper is much more talented and more charismatic than the guy who ripped off Queen. Alicia Keys entered the press room, and the girl made it apparent that despite her success, she’s still pretty much grounded. "It’s amazing how I have this connection with people through the songs I write and sing," said Keys, "how music can translate to everybody." She added that Marvin Gaye is a huge influence, and her plans for Christmas revolves around "a bed, a pillow and a blanket." The singer-composer plans on taking a few months off before releasing her follow up to her smash debut "Songs in A Minor."
The Red Hot Chili Peppers won Best Live Act. Flea, Anthony Kiedis, Chad Smith and John Frusciante were up to their usual shenanigans in a hotel room where they accepted an MTV metal-globe-with-spring trophy.
One of the highlights of the show, for me, was the performance of the mighty, mighty Foo Fighters. Singer and grunge refugee Dave Grohl, playing a fiberglass guitar and wearing a necktie that reminded me of The Knack, led the Foos in their cathartic performance of All My Life, from "One on One." Entered Ronan Keating to the press room and he was asked about his post-Boyzone career. "It’s nice," said Ronan, "the freedom to control everything, to write for other people as well." Keating has written a song for Country & Western act Brooks & Dunn. He will also do a cover of "We’ve Got Tonight," an old Bob Seger song. There is life after Boyzone after all.
The Web award went to Moby. Fantastic graphics on www.moby.com, by the way. In accepting the trophy, Moby spoke about the spat involving him and Eminem during the last MTV awards in New York, adding that he has nothing but respect for the rapper.
Another rabble-rouser was barely clad Christina Aguilera and her performance of Dirrty  complete with a posse, a motorcycle and the rapper Redman as props. The Foo Fighters visited the press room and regaled the mediamen with their irreverence: They sang Feliz Navidad; made comments about the backstage heat ("We were like cooked rotisserie chicken or shawarma."); and made fun of the reporters’ questions.
Reporter no. 1: Critics says (sic)... say your new album... is the best one... in your career.
Dave Grohl (addressing everyone in the room): Hey, if you have more questions about our new album, ask the guy who speaks in broken English.
Reporter no. 2: Where did you buy your tie?
Grohl: I bought this for 50 euros. I’m a man’s man, motherfu*ker!
Reporter no. 3: How do you feel that Bon Jovi and the Foo Fighters are the only rock bands tonight?
Grohl: What about Coldplay? They’re a band, right? They have instruments. They don’t have someone who goes (imitates the sound of a vinyl being scratched)  weeech chee chee chee. We like Coldplay. They’re great kids.
The Calling, whose vocalist is an exact doppelganger of Aaron Carter (same height, same mug), won Best New Act. Esther Cañadas made a grand entrance to the press room, as Bon Jovi performed Everyday, the song that is very familiar to those who play John Madden’s PlayStation football game. Richie Sambora strummed a beautiful Flying V guitar. Jon Bon Jovi strutted around, his usual rock star way.
The lone Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter, told the press that what Moby said about Eminem, "took a lot of cojones." Consider this: Celebrities wore clothes created by superstar designers like Versace, Dolce & Gabbana, etc., and Nick donned a suit from Barney’s. That, dear readers, took a lot of cojones. A reporter asked if Nick’s solo appearance at the awards show was a sign that the 10-year-old Backstreet Boys are going to break up. Nick, unfortunately, said no.
It got hotter in the press room when Christina Aguilera in a black and white outfit appeared. She talked about her album "Stripped," and how the first single, the raunchy Dirrty, is not representative of what the new platter is all about. "This is a very personal record for me," said Christina. "It’s about real life," interjected Redman.
Anastacia, on the other hand, talked about how proud she was of her collaboration with Celine Dion on a cover of ACDC’s You Shook Me All Night Long. That’s certainly surreal. Kylie won Best Dance and Coldplay performed the tearjerker In My Place.
DJ Hahn was praised by the reporters for being modest in accepting the award for Linkin Park when he told the world that to be considered in the same category as U2 is an honor in itself. "Because I’m a modest guy," he said. The turntablist displayed that characteristic "modesty" by telling the press later on that the new Linkin Park album "is the shit."
Eminem accepted Best Hip-Hop award as the devil incarnate, Marilyn Manson entered the press room. He was wearing a cadaver-colored suit. Diabolically dapper, indeed. Manson told the press he has a Kylie memorabilia that he’ll give his father. A female reporter in Gothic gear rose and asked the singer a question. Manson quickly quipped, "By the way, I’m not your father." Before leaving, Marilyn said he saw Robbie Williams backstage. "Robbie always wants to screw the girl I’m with," said that devil Marilyn.
Whitney Houston performed Whatchulookinat and everything was awash with Eighties nostalgia. The Calling and Coldplay visited the press room. Chris Martin of Coldplay told us his dream recording is a cover of the BeeGees’ Staying Alive with Pink and Kylie. Of course, he was jerking around.
Las Ketchup won Best Spanish Act. The Chili Peppers won Best Rock. Eminem won Best Album for "The Eminen Show." The sexy lasses of Las Ketchup were asked by the press what would they tackle in their next single after singing about ketchup in the first. Gravy, perhaps?
P. Diddy told the audience that he would give a ring to any woman who would dare to get undressed onstage. A half-dressed woman streaked and snagged Combs’ ring. An interesting side show. After that, the Best Video was awarded to Royksopp for Remind Me, which was directed by Herve de Crecy and Ludovic Houplain. I thought Basement Jaxx’s Where’s Your Head At?, a strange tale of a monkey-man experiment gone awry, would win the award. Or Eminem’s Without Me, a Batman & Robin, Elvis spoof. Wrong!
Moby rocked the house with two scorching numbers and then proceeded to the press room for an interview. The electronica artist proved to be the brainiest of the bunch. He acknowledged that he’s a geek and that 99 percent of recorded music is "electronica." The feud with Eminem was also brought up and buried once and for all.
"I wish Eminem a long career and a good life," said Moby.
A disheveled French reporter stood up and asked Moby a very complicated question.
French reporter: Do you believe in chaos?
Moby: That’s a very complicated question. You want me to talk about chaos theory and how everything is leading to a state of entropy? You want me to discuss that?
French reporter: I was expecting you would.
Moby: In a longer conversation, maybe. You know, the world is inherently simple...
That was the most intelligent thing anyone said that evening. Vintage Moby. He also put in a few good words for Royksopp, the opening act for his current tour. After the bald one made his exit, Wyclef Jean and P. Diddy chatted with the press.
All in all, Eminem garnered the most awards. He won in three separate categories: Best Male, Best Hip Hop and Best Album. Trailing Eminem were Kylie (Best Pop and Best Dance); Red Hot Chili Peppers (Best Rock and Best Live Act); and Linkin Park (Best Group and Best Hard Rock).
After the audio-visual circus that was the MTV Europe Music Awards, we headed to the Estadi Olimpic De Mont Juici for the aftershow party that was truly a smashing success, a fitting epilogue to an awards show which had everything from performances that rocked (courtesy of Moby, Coldplay, the Foo Fighters) to clothes that shocked (Christina Aguilera’s, Pamela Anderson’s, Tim Yap’s) to pop stars we couldn’t help but mock (Nick Carter, Nick Carter and Nick Carter). Almost everything. Except Wyclef Jean going head to head with Marilyn Manson as to who’s the nuttiest of ‘em all  with the tranvestite Deborah Hombres as judge and the ketchup girls cheering them on.
That, I like.