We sat together at an event. She was much younger than I am. Hoping to start a conversation going, I asked, “So, what do you do?” She said, “I am a feminist.” I felt something rise in me. “Are you married?” I asked. No, she replied. “Do you have children?” I asked. “No,” she replied. “Do you have a career?” I asked. “I’m an economist,” she said. Without a job, I thought, or she would have said I work with the government, or with this bank, or with this institution.
“I was once married,” I said, “but I left my husband, bringing our children with me. For my freedom, I signed over all our conjugal property to him. Then I fell in love again and lived with another man. We had another child. That did not work out either so I decided to work and support myself and my children. When I retired, I was president of a company. Does that make me a feminist?”
“An outstanding one,” she said.
“Well, I don’t feel like a feminist,” I said simply, not adding that the phrase does not compliment me. “I simply feel like a full-fledged woman, one who is equal to men.”
I don’t know why I don’t like the term feminist. Feminism began in the US in the late ’50s, when Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan wrote their books essentially saying that women were equal to men. I read those books and bought into their thoughts. But I did not realize — until I lived in America in the ’80s — why feminism began there.
Life is really difficult if you are an American woman. You must take care of your own babies or pay for expensive day care if you want to work. Here, you always have help — either hired help, or your mother or other relatives. Not so in the United States. Their lifestyles are so fragmented. A girl leaves home for college when she is 18. She never returns. Usually she lives far away from her parents so she has to find her own way through life.
In the Philippines, however, it is not our lifestyle that gets in the way of our becoming free, happy women. It is our culture, so closely woven in with religion, that it suffocates us. First, we are brought up to be afraid of what other people will say so we hide everything. That is so psychologically unhealthy. At this late date in my life I want to tell all girls and women out there: Don’t be afraid of what other people will say about you. Ignore them. First of all, they have no right to comment on anybody’s life except their own.
If I allowed what other people said about me to get to me, I would be crazy by now. Very little of the things they said were true. Most were gossip made up by someone I did not even know. I ignored everything and just went and did exactly what I wanted to do. But to be able to do that, clearly you must earn enough to support all your needs. I worked hard. I worked late. I worked endlessly. That’s what I remember I did.
There were bad times — when money was short, not enough. I found ways. There were miscalculations that blew up in my face and shattered me. I picked myself up, brushed myself off and started over again. And now, I am old, happy, free and still financially viable. In other words, I am as good as any successful man.
Does that turn me into a feminist? No, thank you. I think it turned me into a man with a charming smile and a different body. By the way — is there a term masculinist? There isn’t one. So let’s forget about being feminist. It sounds wimpy. Even Gloria Steinem fell in love and married late.
Here’s my advice to all women. You want to be happy? Take risks. Do what you want but remember you have to pay your own bills so earn enough. Don’t give up earning for yourself. Be prepared to face the consequences of your acts. There is no such thing as a perfect life but you only have your own life to answer for in the end. So do what you want, earn all you want, and you will know what it feels like to be free. It is great. Being free beats being a feminist hands down.
* * *
Text comments to 0917-8155570.