Part of Susan’s grieving process is being in the company of close friends, such as last Saturday when art patron and STAR columnist Danny Dolor invited Susan and company to his vacation house in Lipa City. Among those in the entourage were Marichu "Manay Ichu" Maceda, Armida "Tita Midz" Siguion-Reyna, Bibeth Orteza (wearing a turban because she’s undergoing chemotherapy), Ronald Constantino, Ethel Ramos, Dolor Guevarra (Susan’s manager), Susan’s niece Sheryl Cruz (for whom the outing also served as despedida since she’s leaving for San Francisco anytime now) and Sheryl’s brother Wowie (with his wife Kay and their daughter), and Susan’s other nephews Joseph and Jeffrey.
After the sumptuous native lunch, Funfare kept Susan company at the verandah for a free-wheeling exclusive interview in which she talked about her life after FPJ and how she’s coping with FPJ "not being there." Susan’s expressions shifted from happy (when recalling beautiful memories) to sad (when asked what her regrets were), sometimes trying to hold back tears – in vain.
When did you realize that he’s gone?
"Well, right there at the ICU, I knew that he was gone. I know he’s gone, I know we buried him, I know he’s not coming back...But, up to now, I’m waiting for something although I don’t know what it is. I still have that feeling of anticipating the day when I will see him once more."
Like he’ll knock on the door one day and say, "Hey, I’m back!"?
"Yeah. Something like that. But much as I saw everything – I saw him at the ICU, I saw him at the wake, I saw him being buried. I have accepted the painful reality that he’s dead, people have been saying ‘Condolence!’ to me or ‘I’m sorry for the loss of your husband,’ but I still can’t seem to connect."
Maybe you’re still on the "denial" stage.
"No, I don’t think I can call it ‘denial’ because I offered him to God."
When was that?
"When he was at the ICU. I did not, I never questioned God. I never said, ‘Bakit? Bakit mo siya kinuha?’ When the doctors explained to me his condition, how else would I interpret it? He was gone. Eventually, he was going. I didn’t know what to ask for...I didn’t pray, ‘Diyos ko, huwag n’yo po siyang kunin’ or ‘Diyos ko, kunin n’yo na po siya’ if he was only going to be invalid... I didn’t make any such prayer. I just found myself saying, ‘Diyos ko, bahala na po kayo sa kanya... Thy will be done!’ And when the doctors told us that his heart was giving way, I just stood there; beside me was Fr. Larry Faraon. I just held Fr. Larry’s hand and we started praying The Apostle’s Creed. That prayer was really meant for Ronnie."
At the ICU, at the wake and at the funeral, there were so many people condoling and sympathizing with you. But how did you feel when they were gone, when you were by yourself?
"At the ICU, we were all stunned. There was this feeling of shock – you know, ‘What!?! This can happen...to him!?! He who we thought would live forever?’ We simply couldn’t believe it!"
Was FPJ taking some medication and he was keeping it from you?
"He was starting to take his medicine for hypertension."
After the campaign?
"Yes. In the recent weeks before he died. According to my sister-in-law (Elizabeth), Ronnie underwent a check-up and he was prescribed maintenance (medicine)."
How did you feel going home for the first time without FPJ there?
"When he was at the ICU, we took turns in watching over him. We had to go home not to sleep but more to freshen up. So I kind of had gotten used to going home without him around."
What about sleeping alone?
"It felt odd at first. I felt strange lying in bed and seeing an empty space beside me, although sometimes other members of the family would sleep with me, like our daughter Grace. Ronnie slept on the right side of our bed, to my left. So I wouldn’t feel his loss too much, I would occupy his side of the bed so when I opened my eyes and I turned, it’s my side that’s empty."
How touching!
"And when I go to the bathroom, I would pass by his dressing room and see his clothes. I would stop and wonder, ‘Is this all that’s left of you?’ You know."
Do you sometimes smell his favorite perfume, like what some grieving people do?
"He did wear perfume pero hindi ko naman naaamoy. But his favorite perfume is no longer in the market. Kanebo (lavander scent). I’d been looking for Kanebo, looking for it in all stores because I wanted to give it as a gift to Ronnie, pero wala na talaga sa market."
I heard that you also wore his pajamas so you would feel close to him.
"No, Ronnie didn’t wear pajamas to bed; he wore shorts and loose T-shirt. I did wear his socks. I would wear whatever scent he wore during our anniversaries."
Haven’t you touched Ronnie’s things, his clothes?
"No, I haven’t. You see, there’s this feeling na... baka hanapin nya. You know na wala na siya, pero baka hanapin. The things on his side table have been left as they are, arranged exactly the same way – his toothbrush, his toothpaste...everything that he used daily nandoon pa. You accept that he is dead but maybe out of respect you don’t want to touch his things, especially those that he cared so much about."
It is hard getting used to his not being there, isn’t it?
"Yes, it is. It’s as if he left without saying where he’s going. Ronnie was the type who would call wherever he was, no matter where he was. If he was shooting abroad or far away, not a day would pass without him giving me a call. But I know that he’s always there, he’s always around, especially during difficult situations."
Such as?
"When there are business commitments, for instance. I would ask, ‘How would he have handled this? Ano’ng magiging diskarte nya?’ Also, when there are comments to be made. How would he want them done? Or would he have just kept quiet about it? I would call him, like I would call my mom (who died many years ago). Oftentimes, I would ask forgiveness from God. I would say, ‘I think I love(d) my husband too much. You are the only one, really, whom any human being should love that much.’ When I come to think about it, hindi tama mahalin at santo-santohin ang tao. When I meditate, I would realize that and I would say, ‘Oh, my God, I’m so sorry!’ I realized na mali na masyadong samba-sambahin kahit na sinong tao ang asawa mo, anak mo or ini-idolo mong artista o personality. Sometimes, we forget na, oo nga pala, ‘Ikaw lang pala ang dapat sambahin.’"
Oo nga naman, ano!
"And yet, at the same time, you tell God, ‘You give him to me to love.’ When I want to communicate with Ronnie, I call on God. I tell Him, ‘Father, I want to talk to Ronnie. Please let me talk to him!’"
Faith is really important, isn’t it?
"Oh, yes, it is."
So you also do believe in the afterlife.
"Yes, I do. That’s why it was easy to let go. When my mother died, I began to realize it, more so now that I’ve lost my husband. You know, that everything is on borrowed time. And that there is nothing permanent here on earth. As my mom would say, ‘Why do we cry so much when somebody dies?’ We cry for ourselves because the one we love is no longer around for us to kiss and hug, to talk with. So it’s for us that we cry and not for the one who is gone."
They’re better off where they are, in peace!
"Yes, resting. Also, my mom always reminded me. Unlike Ronnie who died suddenly, my mom was ill for two years, coming in and out of the hospital. She was 63 when she died; I’m turning 64 in July (28). She would tell me, ‘Di ba pag pinapanganak ang tao, in a few weeks we are baptized? Why? To cleanse us of our original sin and to prepare us all for our life, us Catholics, for the Final Judgment.’ We believe that when we die, we meet our Maker and we are made to review what our life on earth has been. Meeting your Maker should be a joyous occasion."
But still, we cry, we mourn. It’s but natural, isn’t it?
"Yes, we cry. We say, ‘Huwag muna!’ But, you know honestly, I look forward to the day when I would join my husband; I look forward to the day when I see Jesus. But then, I would say, ‘Wait, there’s so much to be done. I still have a lot to do. I haven’t written a book yet!’"
Aside from writing a book, what else do you want to do? Would you continue (the projects) that FPJ had started?
"Oh, Ronnie wanted to do so many things. Even before he ran for President, he wanted to do so many things especially where his films were concerned. There are things that perhaps we can continue, but there are things that only he could do. I don’t know where we could pick up. Para bang iba kung ibang tao ang gagawa, e."
What have been the (drastic) changes in your life? Have your sleeping habits changed (going to bed early and waking up early, starting the day by making small talk with FPJ while waiting for the day’s papers to arrive, etc.)?
"Actually, I haven’t changed the physical appearance of our room; it’s basically the same. I’m tidying up some things, though: Paper work that has piled up, souvenirs of the wake, prayer cards, mga album-album, etc. Little by little, I’m putting together his personal things. I’ve been fixing photos from old albums dahil nasira na, pictures that trace our story, from the time we met to the time we got married to the time... That’s when I recall those happy memories and I can’t help but shed tears. And then I laugh a bit when I remember certain occasions na nakakatawa."
(Tomorrow: Susan recalls happy moments with FPJ and talks about her plans.)